So I am grocery shopping today at Walmart like most days since I have for the last 6 weeks keep forgetting the God Damn Miricle Whip and various other things that are on the list just somehow overlooked every time I am in that store. I resisted the pull of the bigger chain stores over the smaller Mom and Pop chains for a long time, but eventually the appeal of being able to buy diapers and wine at the same place was too much.
Now normally I am in and I am out I try not to pay attention to the random acts of child abuse or spousal abuse or verbal abuse to the customers/employees I hear there it seems whenever I go. I just face forward and try not to accidentally run my cart into a crazy person who might "straight up cut me bitch" But today was different I had to step up, do my civic duty as a concerned citizen.
I was walking past the grocery aisles staring at this man who looked familiar but in that odd "Have I seen him on Dateline's To Catch A Predator?" familiar. He kept walking back and forth between the lady giving out samples of Fiber One breakfast bars (yum) and the stack of sodas. He looked normal enough in what I assumed was a church suit. He had on a hat, and frankly I dig a man in a hat so I watched him more, casually playing cool by pretending I was interested in the Hannah Montana shirts they had on sale for $3.50. Then all of a sudden he walks past this woman who is standing at the beginning of the cereal aisle and he takes her cart. The lady doesn't notice at first cause she is talking to her friend, blocking the aisle for all the other frustrated shoppers trying to buy their Honey Nut Cheerios I might add but that's neither here nor there. So I am thinking WTF? Did he just take that lady's cart? Maybe she's his wife and he is trying to be funny? Maybe he thinks its his cart since he is a nutcase? Maybe he was too lazy to shop for his one food and thought her selection looked good? I turn around thinking someone has had to have seen that, but it didn't look like anyone had or no one cared. Finally the lady looks up because her friend notices the cart being taken and asked "Hey do you know that dude that just took your cart?" She looks up and yells after him "Hey that's my cart" I am casually pushing my cart closer to this guy. Well he starts running! I mean like he is on that game show Supermarket Sweep. (I love game show network!) So I start to run after him and am yelling at him to stop. The lady catches up to me and lo and behold she just happens to be the sister of the man who married my old college roommate (small world). She is out of breath and says "Can you believe this is happening?" I of course can cause it is after all Walmart. Finally the cool old door greeter guy is calling security over his intercom and trying to stop the cart napper at the door. We reach him and I am sooo ready to put my kickboxing skills to good use when he surrenders the cart and starts laughing. Yeah the guy was a whack job and I was hoping he wasn't too pissed off that we had chased him halfway through the store. He said she had suckers in her cart and he was hungry for a sucker. Oooookaaay. I had to go back with Walmart security, did you know that they have that? I mean I knew they had all those big black balls (go ahead make your jokes) in the sky that can see you no matter where you go, but they have this big room of CSI looking stuff that is very impressive. They call the guys wife who comes to pick him up and as he is sitting in a chair he is continuously asking for a sucker then looking right at me. I in an irritated state ask him if I look like I have a sucker? He blows me a kiss. Creeppppyyy. I thanked the guy for at least giving me some good blogging material cause I have been running pretty low on bloggy inspiration lately. He told me "anytime" then asked me if I wanted to keep his hat? Yeah I have no idea but it sure proved to be a damn entertaining afternoon. And I finally remembered to buy the Miracle Whip!