Wednesday, January 28, 2009

My Very Very Wordful Wednesday

Usually I post a picture on Wednesday, put a pithy little comment in the title area and go on about my day, but sadly my computer ate all my pictures last week. I'm not sure what happened it may or may not have been the porn that may or may not have been downloaded on it, but that's still up for debate. Or is it?? I am confusing myself. Anyway so all my pictures are backed up on disks somewhere but I can't find the disks at the moment so have decided to do an entirely different post. Really probably didn't have to explain that to everyone but I am hungover in a big way. (Yes I am slightly ashamed I am hungover on a Wednesday, don't judge)

So....I am a great believer in online dating. I should be its poster child, well not child since that is an entirely different sort of online dating, I should be its poster young but not to young woman. I loved it when I was single. It was like window shopping. Yes I realize that I may have just compared the men I went out with to shoes but they were almost as enjoyable. I loved being able to talk to someone either online or over the phone and then see what they were actually like in real life. I was really lucky and met some amazing smart, funny, good looking men online. Yes I did meet some that wanted to become a woman (but only the boob part, he still wanted to keep his penis) And some that claimed to run illegal counterfeit operations with the Chicago police department, but on the whole I got pretty good at weeding out the crazies and getting to the really good men.

Now I don't know how many of you who read this are single out there, but during my time as an Internet dater I compiled a list of a sort of "code" my girlfriends and I picked up on, on what the men would tell us and what it really meant. So consider this my public service announcement to you single ladies and men too out there who might be considering online dating. Again you're welcome.
The first one is what they say the second thing is usually what it means.

Intelligent ... College dropout.
Fun ... Annoying.
Spontaneous ... Never around much .
Affectionate ...Clings like Glad wrap.
Adventurous ... Is part of a para-military group.
Likes Sports ...Watches a 30 second bit on TV once a year.

Enjoys working out ...Compulsive liar and in denial
Hard Working ... No time for dates longer than 15 minutes.
Enjoys finer things in life ...with you and half the female population.
Very Romantic ... Thinks relationships are just like in the movies, and by movies I mean porn.

Divorced ... Four times and counting or just separated, or in some cases still married.
Easy going ...Control freak.
Enjoys family get togethers...Spazzed out and threw pizza at everyone at the last one. Driven...Drinks lattes by the gallon and talks way too fast. Or is on meth (he was sweet though).
Caring...donated $1 to some cult group 15 years ago

Environmentally conscious...Drives the "small" Hummer.
Emotionally Stable...As long as the meds keep working.
Doesn't want a serious relationship...Wants to sleep with you and still see whats out sleep with.
Won't settle...Will be single at 90 and still placing personal ads (not there's anything wrong with that).
Happy...As long as the meds keep working.

Competitive...Nothing you say will ever be right...EVER.
Kind...Petted a rabbit at the pet store once in 1972.
Enjoys Outdoors...Lived in a tree for 2 years in protest of logging companies.
Frugal... Lives with parents.
Open minded...goes to swinger conventions.

Shy...Always worried that you are an undercover cop.
Doesn't like to get their picture taken ...They have no front teeth. (I never would have guessed from his picture either)
Self-Employed ... Unemployed. Or a drug dealer...usually a drug dealer.
Enjoys biking...They have 2 DUI's and legally cannot drive.
Doesn't drink... Their liver is failing.

Looks are not important...OH YES THEY ARE.
Non-judgemental ...Participates in weekend orgies at hotels.
Lives on the edge...One step away from prison time.
Honest...Only when they're found out.
Vegetarian...That eats chicken and fish.

Independent...Still takes laundry home and mom cleans the house.
Attractive...Only to themselves and mom.
Likes to Cook ... Has a really good recipe for crockpot pigeon. (This one's my favorite)
Likes to visit Chicago...To launder money for the mob.
Enjoys women who wear sexy underwear...He wants to become a womenand is hoping you are his size so he can borrow some.

Hope this has helped. Have a great Wednesday!!!


Vic said...

Okay - as annoying as my husband is most days, I'm feeling pretty grateful not to have to weed the crazies out! (although if I ever do, I'll be sure to print your list out and tape it to my monitor :)

Hope you feel better quick!

Debbie said...

Great, great list. I loved the "caring" one. But the whole thing was genius.

Mama Dawg said...

Oh, man. Thanks for those warnings. I'm single, but after a few distasterous dates from online dating, I gave up.

Robin said...

Oh, this is gooood!
I met my husband on a dating site way back before it was even popular so for many years we didn't tell people. We still joke around that he picked me while I was waiting for him on the corner of Broadway. (Totally true, too!)

The Dental Maven said...

Tooo funny! A friend of mine said when they claim "some college education" your're lucky if they have a GED.

Comedy Goddess said...

So funny! This is award worthy!

Diane said...

hahaha too funny!

but, yea, i like your "the porn ate my pictures" excuse.... ;)

Shangrila said...

You just made me laugh so hard I got the hiccups! I'm happily married, but will be forwarding a link to your blog to my single sister asap! Pidgeon crock-pot recipe?! OMG-too funny!

blueviolet said...

I can't help but wonder what could possibly be left that might be good!

HumorSmith said...

I thought I was a freak magnet. You win. Sadly, everything on your list applies to the women I met online.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Love this!
I will now use different adjective when describing myself! :)


Casey said...

OMG, thanks for the real story. I tried online dating awhile back and it was a huge meat market. I deleted my profile within a week.

Boyd said...

What, does crockpot pigeon not appeal to your taste? I'll have to remember thats a turn-off to ladies.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

That's hysterical! Great post!

Tiffi33 said...

dude, THAT is a GREAT list...
I like the affectionate
I haven;t dated since I
SOooooo..I have no comparison...but my sister will LOVE