Sunday, January 11, 2009

What Would I Do Without This Blog?

You know that lady that has the 19 kids? I think I could have been her. Honestly I don't buy the bullshit that they are letting God decide how many kids they should have because really don't you think God has more important things to decide like you know which rap star will get a Grammy or if Hannah Montana will go another season? I think she is trying to get something that she isn't getting by just being who she is. Maybe? Possibly? Do I seem off base with this one? I can't be the only one that feels like this. Right? Let's discuss...

That lady who is constantly pregnant I get it. I get the appeal. I think if I had the extraordinary amount of money they seem to have and a house the size of Utah that I would have had more babies. My reason is probably needing to be analyzed by a shrink though since it really has nothing to do with God or my love of babies or children, but on my fear of being mortal. Lets face it, my kids getting older means I am getting older and unless you plan to live in a state of denial like my wonderful boyfriend for example who has no plans on aging past 39, kids are a living breathing reminder of the aging process.

The act of being able to reproduce is what young people possess if you're lucky. Even the act of being a parent no matter how the babies come your way is a relatively young person's job. So as long as that lady can crank the babies out then she is young, she is productive, able to bring another living thing onto the planet because the Universe thinks she is capable and cognitive enough to raise it. Maybe that is it?

As I have mentioned before I am pretty fertile, like scary fertile, I am sure my body would have no problem having a kid every 18 months . I get why that lady likes being pregnant, it can give you as a woman a sense of accomplishment, what our bodies were made for right? I certainly have the hips to "breed" babies. So why not? I had an argument about breastfeeding once with a pushy queen of the bitches nurse during the birth of my first baby. I had no desire to breastfeed, didn't want the information on it didn't want judgement, it was my choice and I did not want to breastfeed plain and simple. As I am telling the nurse for the thousandth time that no I don't have any medical reason why I can't breastfeed I just have choosen to bottle feed. She looked at me and asked "Well why do you think God gave you breasts then?" To which I laughed and I will refrain from telling you where I told the nurse to go and what I thought she should be doing while she went there. So maybe that's what she thinks her life's purpose is, to have as many babies as a small village? I don't know? I know we all know that having babies is more than the actual act of making the baby, its colic and sleepless nights and tantrums and tantrums and whining and did I mention tantrums. I love the hugs and kisses and first steps and first words, but really is that all I am here to do? Is that all that women wants to be is a womb with legs? It's her descion and I respect it I just think there are probably some other issues there. Or I could just be projecting all of my issues on to anyone who has over 2.5 kids? Yes? No? Maybe?

That's what are bodies were meant to do have babies right? What happens when you really don't want to reproduce? Or don't want more than 1 or 2 babies? Or like so many friends and family member I know choose to adopt or be foster parents, or gasp God forbid choose to live a child free life? I mean are we not fulfilling our purpose as women?

Do I have a freakin point. I unlike most of the bloggers I love out there cant just go straight to my point can I? Keep you guessing on what I am going to talk about, and did I mention I just ran out of my tea after only two cups this morning? I'll blame my scattered thoughts on that for now.

I loved being pregnant I loved the attention and the feeling of creating a life inside of me. I felt honored and important. I loved feeling the baby kick and the planning and the picking out baby names and painting nurseries and baby showers. Talking to strangers in the grocery store and letting the Walmart greeters guess whether or not it was a boy or a girl. I loved the doctors visits and ultra sounds, the non stress tests and taking my pre natal vitamins,I loved being hooked up to an IV in the hospital and telling me when to push. I loved when they handed me that baby and knowing that I had made a healthy baby.

I never got that feeling that I was "done" after one or two or three and now that my fourth baby is two years old, I start to get that feeling that I want another baby. But why? Why would I want another baby? I have four, I got my tubes tied a year ago ending the actual way I can have babies biologically. I am not married or have the job or degree I want. Why would I still get that feeling to have another baby? The amateur therapist in me thinks its the same reason that that crazy religious lady has them, cause something else is missing in her/my life that I think a baby will somehow fill. What it is I haven't figured out yet. I think its like what the people that binge eat are trying to fill with food. I am trying to fill that void with babies, and that unconditional love they give to whoever will love them and give them their basic needs. Then of course my kids still need me, but they don't need me as much as they get older and then what? What am I scared of?I know I have an issue with getting older or even thinking about death and dying is enough to send my brain into panic mode. Maybe that's it? Maybe its the attention I get when I am telling people I am going to have another baby? The solution to my attention seeking problem could be to do a great job as a mother to the ones I have, to figure out whatever is missing and to fill that void with something healthy I mean I am the queen of finding something to obsess about. At this moment it is kickboxing, next week will probably be running again, or school starting, but in those lows of nothing really exciting going on or when I hear someone is going to have another baby, that part of my brain kicks in with that intense need to reproduce again.

I envy the women who know how many kids they want, or when they are done having one or two or three or none, they know without a doubt that they are done. I like the idea of not having morning sickness anymore, or lugging a heavy carseat around or the smell of formula on me 24/7 but at the same time I miss it terribly. I think I just need to realize the good fortune of what I do have and focus on this new chapter of my life, without little babies around and be happy and content with that.

Ahhh I feel better. Thanks guys! I am giving you all honorary Ph.D.'s The checks in the mail.


Diane said...

you're crazy! i'll be waiting for that check.

DeeMarie said...

I'm watching for my check too. I think we all have different and unique purposes. Yours is obviously being a super-loved girlfriend and a wonderful mom of 4!!!!

Jenni said...

I see that baby lady and think she must be nuts, but I"m with you in that I also kind of get it. I love being pregnant, love having a little baby. My husband and I compormised on three children, but really, I could go four or even five. I also like the feeling of growing my family and growing our love.

Cat said...

I'm fascinated with that family. There's another family in Minnesota somewhere that has...18? I think it's 18 kids. They claim to have been using two methods of birth control during the conception of all the kids after number 4. Uh, yeah. Sure. And Jesus put his seed in ya, lady.

But I'm oddly jealous of that woman and her big, child-ful family.

East Bluff Barbie said...

I'm of the extremely fertile variety too. I have 3 boys and would probably have 3 more if I hadn't had my tubes tied. As for the woman from Arkansas with all the kids, maybe she just likes to poke. :)