Originally Posted December 10, 2007

I am bringing back a post I did last December and since nobody probably has read it I thought it was an appropriate one to post again this November. A blog about being thankful and since it is November what better time, plus I think I am getting sick and have no energy to think of anything new today It feels like someone is sitting on my head and suprisingly nobody is at the moment, So here you go... I am off to go get some good drugs :


Water Heaters, Car Batteries and Bloody Fingers 12/10/2007

So I tend to write when things are going shitty or when I feel the need to share my thoughts with the masses, but on this particular day it is a procrastination tool. My life is really good, now mind you I said that yesterday to a friend on the phone and not 2 hours later a pipe going into my water heater sprung a ginormous leak and pretty much rained in my basement for about 30 minutes before me and my knight and shining armor saved the day and found the shut off thingy....Now as most of my close friends and even those who meet me in the check out line at Walmart know, that I am usually not the "go to" girl in a crisis I can sit back and calmly watch someone else have a meltdown...but when it comes to me and my life or any of the people that I love that are directly involved in my crisis then I pretty much just start to cry and want to just shut my eyes and will it better. Which yes I realize that that is very childlike The whole "I can't see you you can't see me" outlook on life. Not the most effective for sure.

This happened Sunday night, the Sunday night before that my 3 year old lovingly slammed his brother's finger in a door and we had to make a trip to the ER just when the bedtime hour was right around the corner for the wee ones and the thought of having a night to myself to run, and read, and do whatever I wanted to was a possibility, bam ole Red had to go and nearly get his finger torn off. I think when it comes to my kids in crisis I am pretty good at keeping it together, that's when then OCD kicks in and I think if I can control the situation, the doctors, the nurses, the whatever that nothing bad will ever happen to them...again not always the case, but it works for now, and I'm not on the bathroom floor calling Renee at 3 in the morning to come and look at my moles on my back So I'll do what works for the moment.

This morning I woke up, got the kiddies ready for school, cereal, brushin hairs, makin lists and washin faces, with bottled water, since if we all remember the water is shut off due to the flood of '07. I go downstairs to the garage and I had left the keys in my car to the "on" position, which apparently will make your battery die, so I call Renee and she helps me get in contact with the guy to jump my car. Uggg which means kids are late for school and I am even more grouchy and oh yeah still stinky from lack of showering.

My water heater is under warranty, which apparently means there is an approval process, they just don't want to look around and see the leaking water heater, and all the water soaked ruined shit and replace it the same day...No my friends that would be too easy. So he replaces the pipe that is leaking and tells me he has to wait to hear back from the insurance people if they will actually replace it, so I tell the guy to Please please lie for me and tell them that it is an emergency and my livelyhood depends on water. The guy laughed and said "Well I'll see what I can do doll", which could mean "Sorry lady you're screwed", or "Sure lady I see and hear the four wild children running around and they look like they need a bath so I'll go to bat for you on this one". That is the one I'm sticking with.

I was thinking last Sunday it was stitches in my babies hand, the Wednesday before that it was Sophie in the ER getting staples in her head, and now this Sunday it was the water heater. I really was all set to whine and play the poor me card. But honestly in perspective yeah last night sucked..it ruined some of my stuff and even more of my knight's things...and I felt really bad about that. It was shitty but there was no blood involved in last night, nobody was hurt. My babies slept like well, like babies through the whole ordeal and we cleaned it up and threw some shit away that can't be replaced, but there was no blood, no death or sickness or dying involved .Today it was the car, and the plumber, and then Nathan's hand starting to bleed again, so another trip to the doctor. I just really wanna shut my eyes and not deal with it.

So we go to Walmart and I think everybody must think the world is going to end with the ice tonight because EVERYBODY was there. I ran in to this girl that a friend of mine used to go to high school with. I knew her a little bit but not a whole lot. Her little girl just passed away from cancer about 2 weeks ago. Here I was telling her about my morning and my shitty water heater and her daughter had DIED 2 weeks ago...who the fuck cares if I have to be inconvenienced and get my car battery jumped ...I felt like an ass but she was very understanding and gracious. I literally don't know if I would be able to stand 2 weeks after such a tragedy, but here she was with her son x-mas shopping, and here I was with my 4 getting milk and wondering if I'm gonna have hot water when I get home. Silly me...

We got home and I turned on cartoons and I went in here to finish up some homework and it was really quite in my house, now those of you with kids in your house, or even those of you that know my kids know that they are never quite. Even when they are sleeping someone is talking in their sleep, so I go out to the living room and they are all asleep on the couch in this little sibling ball of legs and arms and smelly heads. .. even Lily who never sleeps, Lily has Sophie on her lap and Nick is kind of scrunched in between their legs. Well now that's what's important, happy healthy (for the most part) sleeping peaceful kids A peaceful life.My attitude now or what I am trying to implement in my life is to be peaceful, to chose my battles and to try and control my need to control....to control my need for things to be perfect and to try and control my anger at stupid shit...like water heaters and car batteries, and bloody fingers and to step out every once in awhile and just be...just be thankful and happy that those babies are mine and my life is good, I have food and a roof over my head and people who I love in my life. This sounds a little bit like an after school special or a Thanksgiving prayer, but its still the season to be thankful, to be reflective on your life choices.

Not all who wander are lost...now those of you that read my blog religiously know that I have posted this quote on here before talking about how I felt lost, floating around without an anchor I believe I said , needing something to ground me and my carelessness and stupid choices. Well I have made some changes and definitely have slowed down the train , still feel a little bit in need of an anchor of some stability, but I just no longer feel like I am lost..wandering..yeah a little but no longer lost.Its amazing the clarity you receive when you fuck up big time. Have you ever been so tired driving home that you doze off for a sec and then when you startle awake it scares you enough to keep awake?? That's what has happened with me. And thank God I didn't just wake up for a second and then fall back asleep or worse yet fall completely asleep at the wheel and crash and burn ...Don't ya'll just love all of my analogies tonight, I am very wise feeling tonight, maybe its the green tea I am drinking hmmm?

I am happy, I was such an angry person through my marriage and through most of my life really, it was that need to control my surroundings and my life which was very chaotic, the marriage in particular. I like my calm life, as calm as it can be with 4 kids, I like my mind set and my feelings on where I am headed and I'm glad I have slowed down , and I hope to God that I stay slow or at least below the speed limit. Heading in to the new year peaceful and happy..what more can I ask for really. Peaceful and happy because of the decisions I have made for myself and for my family I am happy I am ready now, to risk things again. To take chances and know to not doubt myself. Still wandering..probably I will always be wandering I kind of like to wander...but wander with a purpose. So remember grasshopper... not all who wander are lost...

This year has been one of tremendous change and tremendous losses and tremendous gains and I am ready for 2008 I am ready to start "new" with the new year and to slow down and see what's truly important.

Update: I think looking back I did a good job of "slowing down" in 2008 and as always am grateful that I can start again the next day when I screw up the day before which is lets be honest 5 out of the 7 days of the week. This year has also been a big year of change but a good year and lets face it I still go over the speed limit most days but am working on it. OK I don't think I'm making any sense back to my medicine and my heating pad : )