Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I Saw Her Today

Nick my four year old had a Thanksgiving "feast" today at his preschool. Let's just start by saying that whoever thought of the word feast for the spread they had goin on over there was being waaay to generous. We had carrot sticks and dip and chicken nuggets...just like in the days of yore...or something like that. They had a little program before the feast and they were all dressed up in cute little pilgrim outfits and sang songs no one could hear or understood but still made me cry like a baby. I don't know what it is about my kids singing in front of a room full of strangers but it always brings out that crazy mom side of me and I want to yell "Yeah that's my boy..over there the one with the pilgrim hat on, see him? WooHoo Baby you sing it!" As I am bawling and blowing snot into my neighbor's handkerchief. It was great and I love the fact that he isn't old enough to be embarrassed of me yet, plus I wasn't the only Mom there being overly dramatic.

My ex-husband has the kids this year for Thanksgiving and Tuesdays are usually his "weekend" anyway so I knew he would be there at the program with Nate. I didn't see him at first cause it was crowded in there and I just assumed he would sit with me since Nick would want to eat with all of us.

Big Fat Wrong.

He comes in the dining area where the feast is and he isn't holding Nathan which is odd. Even though Nate likes to pretty much be independent whenever he gets the chance nowadays I thought he would at least have him near him. He walked up to Nick before the program started and gave him a kiss then went to go find a place to sit. I yell "Hey Sperm Donor! I saved you and Nathan a seat if you want" No Thanks, he said, we already have a space. WTF? What do you mean and where is my kid? That's when it happened that's when I saw the woman who has in a sense replaced me. She came in holding my baby and he was surprisingly calm and not spitting or clawing at her neck or screaming demon prophecies. And talk about tears welling up in my eyes. Its okay I love that Nate loves her I just have never seen his girlfriend before today. I didn't know she was coming with her little girl to see my baby sing. I suddenly felt like going over to her and ripping Nathan from her arms and telling her she would in no way ever replace me. But then thought better of it and took a drink of whiskey from my watch flask (kidding, but wouldn't that be kickass?)

We have been divorced for a year now just last week it was a year. Separated for 2 and half, I have dated alot, lived with a boyfriend, and am now dating someone great, since we separated, and I am happy that he has found someone, but it doesn't stop it from feeling all kinds of unnatural to be across the room from one another watching the best part about us singing Thanksgiving songs and not be together smiling and sharing in that. We weren't good for each other, toxic really, but it still makes me sad that we became a statistic. That we were that 1 in 2 couple that divorced. That my babies have to split their holidays and their homes, and their parents. Will they be better or worse off? Who knows. I do know that they see us both happier and healthier than we ever were together and how bad can that be? Plus they get two Christmases a year which was personally my favorite part about being from a divorced home.

Little Nathan never knew his Dad in his house, and the other kids were little too when it happened. They know the word divorce and what it means and have friends who's parents are going through the same thing. Its sad, when my parents split back when I was in 2ND grade there was only two other kids in my school in the same situation, now I bet half of Lily's class is either single moms/dads or divorced parents. Dale and I are very friendly with each other and had always joked that we wanted to be cool divorced parents like Demi and Brice Willis, it hasn't worked out entirely like that but we do agree that even though we didn't work out as a couple we did four things right and I know that both of us wouldn't change that for the world. As hard as it was for me to see him with her today, to know that he has a family with her and as hard as it is to admit that that marriage failed, that the family we had started won't ever be like that again, its okay. Its my new normal. So as I give thanks on Thursday for the ridiculous amounts of blessings I have been given I will be thankful that even the sperm donor found someone to love and spend his life with, that my kids love her, are healthy and damn cute, and that I am sooo much skinnier than her. (Come on you know I had to throw that one in)
Happy Thanksgiving!


goodfather said...

Yeah, divorce is really, really hard. Kudos to you and your ex for trying to get along.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Rixblix said...

Want me to beat her up for you? ;)

imaSwede said...

This was a very heartfelt and touching post, and kudos to you for handling it so well. (Still, damn it! When your kid is doing the singing, she should know enough to bow out and your ex should have the graciousness to realize YOU are the mom and it is your time. I don't think he handled it well at all springing that on you right at the holiday. He could have at least given you fair warning. After all, you had plans to eat with YOUR child. OK, rant over- give Rixblix her address, I'll have her come pick me up on her way over)

Katie said...

Sarah, I am so sorry you are going through that. I have been there and know exactly how you feel. I have been the mom just about balling at the kids stuff just to have step-mom walk in and kill the moment. I have had many occasions where I'd like to rip her face off too.
Hang in there. It will get better!

Lynn said...

Awesome job on this blog! I've been in your shoes, so I know exactly what it's like. I am glad that you are taking the high road and have accepted this woman, especially if she is good to your kids. I do not agree with Swede here at all, sorry. I think you are an amazing woman for knowing that this woman deserves to be there too, since she is a loving presence in your children's lives. My ex married a very nice lady and I would never act as if she didn't deserve to see my son do something such as this. They love each other, but that love will NEVER take away or interfere with the love we share. How can anyone not be content when their children are happy? I tell my son all the time how lucky he is to have so many people that love him, and I truly mean that every single time!
BUT I do have to say. I REALLY enjoy being thinner and younger than her too, LOL

Katie said...

I totally think that you should be accepting of your ex's new girlfriend. But these things need to be eased into. She should never have shown up without being introduced to Sarah first. That is just tacky and inconsiderate. If you are going to show a united front to your children...maybe it's a good idea that the team has met each other first!

Heinous said...

It's not easy. She'll never replace you and it's good that you handling it so well. Hang in there.

EMERGE said...

I hope the next realizes that the same thing he did to the ex - he will more than likely do to her. She should look at you and see her future (except not skinny).

If you had a little meat on your bones, you probably would have walked right over and took your baby out of her arms. Damn being skinny. :)

Rixblix said...

We aren't talking about a Step Mom here or anything...it's a girlfriend. It was tactless for her to sweep the kid up and waltz in the room without a thought to Sarah. Perhaps, as Katie said, once a meeting of the minds has been reached girlfriend can assert herself in such a manner. Till then, the Mom has first dibs.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

Thanks guys for all the support. I truely want my kids to love their Dad's new whatever she is girlfriend/wife no matter what. I had a horrible situation the first couple of years with my step mom so for their sake I will be fine with her. I do think he could have introduced me to her, but he may have been scared of what I might of said to her like "Oh I always wondered what kind of women would date a man who left his preganant wife. Great Thanks. Now I know.Nice to meet you" Or you know something like that. : )