The Aftermath

Pictures:

Nathan and the one and only picture I could get of him before he started to tear at his costume like I had just put fire on him.

Good vs. Evil : The Ultimate Show Down

An Angel, Batman and a Devil walk into a bar...

Well the tricks have been played, the treats have been passed out, the cavities have started to form, the little ones have finally crashed from their sugar high and I am slowly get more and more nauseous from the amount of Tootsie rolls I have eaten in the last 20 minutes. Good news...no razor blades were found. I read somewhere that whole razors in the candy is an urban legend and the only two cases reported of kids dying from Halloween candy were involving the parents trying to poison their kids. The one guy put arsenic in his kid's Pixie stick. Sick bastard!

But with that being said I still was not convinced and proceeded to eat my weight in fake chocolaty goodness. I have to say the candy was kind of lame this year. My kids got a lot of banana laffy taffy and alot of vanilla tootsie rolls (which is just wrong). The one full size candy bar was handed out by our neighbor down the street...Score! but was quickly booed and that house shunned forever when it was discovered that it was a 3 Musketeer Bar.

The one thing that sucks about our neighborhood is the lack of sidewalks and the amount of dumb shits driving in our neighborhood at 60 miles an hour when their is literally a 100 kids trick or treating tonight. That along with the fact that my 22 month old refuses to be carried, ride in a stroller or wagon and would rather eat cat food then hold my hand ( I know because he has literally eaten cat food instead of having to hold my hand...gross) made for a very sweaty half jog half sprint to keep him from becoming road kill. I had to remind my girlfriend of what I thought was a universal Halloween rule:"Don't come a knockin unless there is a porch light on", and the other rule that needed repeat numerous times to my trigger happy kids, "Ring doorbell one time if no one answers move on"...

I must have been out with my kids around peak trick or treating time because by the time we got back home I think I maybe got about 10 more people. Which was good for them because I had about 4 tons of candy to give away, bad for me cause I still have about 3.5 tons of candy left. Damn polite kids nowadays only taking one piece of candy then nicely telling me to have a nice night and leaving. What the hell is wrong with kids these days?? By the end I am throwing handfuls at the kids, while getting lectured by a little lippy 5 year old that she doesn't want her teeth to rot out so did I have any organic candy? Move along little girl I don't have time for your nonsense.

Also my cat got out about 15 times tonight and went and howled it up with all his kitty posse and is now meowing at my only open window but refuses to come inside. But the excitement of the night was definitly when Nick's Batman cape was accidentally caught on fire by a very overzealous pumpkin carving family and their love of fire. Fortunately my son had just had a fire drill at preschool and knew to Stop, Drop and Roll. Which was completely unnecessary but extremely funny to watch.

Well another Halloween is over (thank god) and now its on to Christmas ads followed in mid-November by bikini sales. Ahhh gotta love America.

Halloween Hater

Well maybe hate is too strong of word...maybe I am a Halloween disliker. Now I know that the majority of people, adults and of course children, this is the greatest holiday ever. I just never have seen the appeal once I reached the age of um... older than 21. Halloween night scares me. The idea of kids walking around neighborhoods in the dark knocking on stranger's door for food, carefully explaining again and again what to say when the people open their door, to only take one piece of candy and then reminding them to say thank-you,listening to loud parents shout at their kids...I think I would rather spend a Saturday morning in Walmart. I am not into the horror movies or anything scarier than lets say The Blair Witch Project which was so lame I can't believe it even classifies as a horror movie. I get scared easy, I am not a big fan of the dark, and people over the age of 13 banging on my door for candy irritate me. Especially when their "costume" is black clothes and they have been to my house 5 times already. I was invited to a costume party this year and I can't go to it because I really don't have anyone to watch the kids, They are fun and its always interesting to see your friends drunk dressed as Brittney Spears or Freddy Mercury...but its kind of like going out on New Year's way too many crazy people out there, and I am sounding like my mother right about now...damn I just noticed that. Well shit it had to happen someday I suppose : )

I really liked the year it rained and my kids just went room to room and I gave them candy from a bag...I know Bah Humbug, but I am a much better Thanksgiving person or even Christmas, or hell even Valentine's Day I can get behind, but Halloween? Not so much. I have bought the kids costumes and I will take 4,000 pictures, I will take them around the neighborhood and enjoy it through their eyes. I will try and limit the sugar intake and eat all the good stuff tonight out of their bags, you know just to make sure that there isn't any poison in the Snickers bars, or razor blades in the M &Ms. Cause that's the kind of Mom I am... Hey just cause I don't like the holiday doesn't mean I can't eat the candy....right?

Take Me Home Country Roads??

I am truly a Midwestern girl. I think cornfields are beautiful, and farmers are sexy. I love beautiful fall days, cold winters, and hot humid Summers... Colorado can have their mountains, Florida you can shove your beaches up your old people butts. New York take your high fashion, exciting nightlife, and fancy drinks away from my Gap store, Bunco games, and Coors Light. Give me the smell of a hog farm and burning leaves any day . I was no where raised on a farm, probably would have a heart attack if my hips had to see the inside of an overall, and it makes me laugh till I pee my pants thinking about me as a farmer's wife, but I like the whole idea of it anyway. I thought I would live in Peoria forever, I had no intention, desire, need, or legal reason to leave Illinois. I was born here and pretty much thought I would die here and was okay with that.

About 11 years ago my Mom up and decided that she was going to move to Seattle after visiting there with her boyfriend the previous Summer. She found a job out there, sold my childhood home, and off she went with her hiking boots,Birchenstocks,and my sister in tow. I was 21 and was sad that she was leaving but I was dating my future ex-husband at the time and thought he was all I needed, the whole "livin on love" bullshit we thrived on back then. So we waved good-bye and almost immediately I couldn't function because I missed her so much. Now those of you that know me or my mother know we didn't have a lovey dovey, brush each other's hair and gossip kind of relationship. We had the don't fuck up and I won't yell at you kind of one. Which as disfunctional as that sounds suited me fine. We were oil and water really two very head strong, stubborn women... it was probably better that we would be 3,000 miles away from one another. I thought that, until she left. I cried every night. My mom and sis loved it out there and they would sing the praises and the beauty of the mountains every night on the phone and it wore me down, my thoughts that I was going to live and die here were replaced with "Why the hell am I wasting my life in Peoria?" So over pizza one night I told D that I had made the decision to move out to Seattle and that he could come with me or else we needed to end things (Reason#327 why we should have broke up long before we got married) I wasn't all that sad if he decided to stay. He was unusually attached to his Dad and I really couldn't see him breaking that apron string anytime soon, but to my surprise he said he wanted to come with me. So we had a kick ass good-bye party and off we went across the country to start our brand new life with each other...too bad we couldn't really stand each other for more than a couple of hours at a time and every state we traveled through were more and more reasons we should have parted ways...but hindsight is a bitch sometimes.



So we get to Seattle and it is big, and noisy, and overwhelming to someone who rarely went anywhere bigger than the Chicago suburbs all her life. We were broke and our relationship was straining because we couldn't go out and party like our friends we had to work 2 jobs to pay the bills, expensive big city bills we weren't used to in Peoria. It took its toll and I hated it there, I missed my mom but not enough to live nearer than a 100 miles from her. So we, for whatever reason, I think mainly it was the "get married or move on" thinking, we got engaged and moved back to Peoria, 2 years later.



Fast forward 8 years....four kids, divorced, back in school... rethinking where I want to be 5 years from now or 10 years from now. And yes it has a large part to do with the fact that I am in love with a man who I would go anywhere with. I know he tells me otherwise, but I don't think he would be happy living his life out here. He was intrigued by bigger cities. I as previously stated love corn mazes, and John Mellancamp.

I took Lily to visit my Mom in Seattle when she was 2 and the regret I had that I didn't stay longer in the city was overwhelming. I would love to move out there to live in that city , to be closer to my mom and sister. But....life worked out different and the fact is my kids have their Dad here and E has 11 year old girls in Kewanee, and neither of us can picture being the one to move away from them, or to be the parent that takes them away from their Dad. So we'll see, maybe my desire to get the hell out of Dodge will change. I do love Illinois I love the Seasons and the rivers and the trails, and small town living. I have time to decide this time and will hopefully find a good happy medium where we can all be happy... and you know where I can find John Denver on the jukebox.

Getting Older Blows

So I am taking my make-up off tonight and staring at my skin...why do I do that? I should blindfully go about my ritual, brush my teeth and get my book to read but no...I stare. Shit what happened??? I am 31 years old, relatively young in the grand scheme of things. I love the Chris Rock joke: "Fourty isn't young...it's only young if you die at 40 or if your dating Cher"hehe But I am not any where near 40! So I am young damnit, and should have young skin?!? My mom who is pushin 60 looks great for her age, she looks like a young 50ish older active woman on the go. My Grandpa is 93 looks like he's not a day over 60 and all of my Dad's side look young even when they are collecting the social security checks. So what happened?? I smoked when I was younger, maybe for about 5 years, I sit in the sun on occasion, but rarely since I also must have inherited from someone, along with the bad skin gene, the pale (you can see my blood running through my veins) skin color gene. So I tend to avoid the sun. So what happened? Four kids? Single momhood? Bad moisturizer? What? Tell me? I want to age well.. I want to be one of those women people say "Wow you have aged well", not "Damn she looks rough.

I NEVER ever have gotten a pimple before, I shit you not, in my life till I turned 30and then BAM suddenly I am a teenager, or what I am assuming a teenager has to deal with since I never got a f**kin pimple ever as a teenager. Did I mention NEVER!? I have a pimple forming on my cheek, a big red spot that is sometimes really red sometimes decides to go away on my other cheek. My skin is kind of rough and I have a bunch of sickly little white heads on my nose that even the damn Pore Strips wont take off...Damn I sound sexy don't I?? So I am sitting her writing this with some sort of miracle mask on my face, wondering what happened to my youth??

Pseduo Stepmom

My son this weekend told me that Grandpa W came and took Daddy's furniture away. Now he rarely is completely correct on his stories and seems to have a new one for the Preschool teacher daily...so I calmly asked if Daddy was getting new furniture? "Yes Suzanne is moving in with Daddy for a long long time" Awww isn't that special? Suzanne is my ex-husbands girlfriend for approximately 6 months. She had previously lived in Lincoln and was coming to his house on her weekends...actual weekends that normal people get not Tuesday-Thursday like D gets. So great I am happy for him, hopefully she has better furniture than D had after I moved our old stuff out. She has a daughter that was born about a week before Nathan. So now he has his own happy little family. Do I sound bitter? Trying not to, even though it is hard in the back of my head to remind myself that he didn't want his family anymore when he left me 2 years ago, and yes I realize that he loved his kids, and didn't want the marriage with me part anymore, but it still makes me sad that he will have Suzanne's daughter 7 days a week and his own daughters two days a week. And am desperately hoping that my girls don't feel left out especially since he works on weekends and so when he has his kids they are in school till 300 so they get to see him for about 4 hours a night. And his promises to look for another job that have weekends off is I am starting to think pointless since we all know if I offered to keep the kids full time he would have no problem with that. Now that isn't me being mean just honest. He really wasn't cut out to be a Dad. Not the kind who love to spend time with their kids and who would fight tooth and nail for them. I had to fight to actually get him to spend time with them at all. And now he has Suzanne and her daughter and yeah I guess that pisses me off a bit.

I haven't met her yet, I have no bad feelings toward her, I am glad she is there and maybe just maybe she will help dipshit not put my 2 year old clothes on the 4 year old when he goes off to school? She actually did their laundry last weekend. Usually Dale just sends their dirty clothes back home to me in a big garbage bag, so I take them and throw them in the laundry room, so last Thursday I get the bag, go to throw the clothes in the washing machine and they are all folded and smelling nice and clean...bitch. ; )



My kids love her...alot..and this is basically how all my conversations go with Sophie for about 3 days after her weekends with her Dad:



Sophie: Mom one day can I help you make those brownies for dessert?



Me: Of course you can, but Sophie all it is is breaking the squares off and putting them on the cookie sheet (Yeah I know all you perfect mothers out there laugh it up, but they are easy and mine wouldn't taste half as good if I made them from scratch)



Sophie: Suzanne makes homemade cookies with us when we are at Dad's.



Me: That's nice Sophie, is Suzanne still fat?? ( No I didn't say that, but I do like the fact that that was how Soph described her to me when they first started dating)



Here is another example:



Son: Mom Suzanne helped me make Army curtains for me room at Dad's. And we are going to paint my room army...Mom why is my room here still pink? (I am busy alright)



Sophie: Yeah and she helped Lily and me paint our room purple and make curtains out of rainbows and did I mention when she poops it smells like lilacs? (again I am exaggerating but geez)



Now Lily is my girl she would never tell me anything fun and exciting about Suzanne out of her loyalty to me, but I know she loves her just like the other ones do. And I do love that. I am glad they are little enough and resilient enough to go through all of this at a young age and they will be the better for having her in her life.



Do I love all the inadequacies that they keep pointing out of my mothering? No ...who would? I don't sit and read to them all night long, especially not Little House on the Prairie books that she gave my 7 year old to read. I put in a movie when I need an hour to study, I go to McDonald's more than I care to count cause I either don't have anything to cook or just don't want to cook. I am jealous of all the working Moms out there sometimes and long to put on pantyhose and high heels and get blisters walking in them all day. I shush and yell more than I should and sometimes wish I was child free again. But then when they see me and tell me they are glad they are home, or Nick tells me "Me missed you mom" it makes it all worth while. Hell I get a "break" every week, and most Mom's don't get that so I am blessed.I love my role as Mommy, and I am glad they will have Suzanne there, here's hoping she doesn't make me look like too much of a putz

I Hate Technology

I hate it.. I hate emails, and Instant Messaging, and blogs and computers and cell phones! Everything. I think we should go back to writing on stone tablets, and having pigeons fly our messages written in ink...not on a computer. I think we need to go back to where the phone cord is only 10 feet long and you can't talk on your phone in the car. We shouldn't have cars we should all run, or bike or ride horses. If you are expecting a response for a question the person will be forced to answer you because you are standing right in freakin front of them instead of waiting all damn day by your computer for them to write you back!

I need a drink or a Xanax, or a very long run. All three of which I can not do at the moment because of the damn computer!!!!

And on another note: Why the hell would Pinky Dinky Doo pick "hideous" as her great big word to teach my almost two year old, who barely says anything besides cookies and No, but now he says hideous...what a stupid word to put on a children's show. And why can't that damn duck on Wonder Pets talk without a lisp??? Ahhhh again my perfectly normal sounding 5 year old always thinks that's how she needs to talk after watching it...lesson learned...turn off the damn television and pick up a book!

Alright I feel better now...happier posts to come.

Duel

So I had a scene right out of the Stephan Spielberg classic movie Duel today on my way home from Kewanee. Now those of you that haven't seen that great piece of cinamatic history, it stars Dennis Weaver as a guy driving home when he passes a semi truck and for whatever reason that pisses the guy in the truck off and it is as the tag line on the DVD case says :"Terror in the rear view mirror". It is filmed in 1971 and everyone looks like they have just stepped off the set of a bad porno, it is a lot of terrified looks on the man's face , and alot of shots of a menacing truck barreling toward the terrified man. The main reason I ever happened to watch the show was thanks to my Film 110 class and that teacher's need to show us movies all for whatever reason involving road rage and sex.

So I am not a big road rage fan. Even despite the fact that my now 5 year old's first words were "Go lady" and still to this day asks me why we have to wait so long at the stop lights... I digress...I think it is wrong, and unsafe, and dangerous and I never or should I say rarely ever lose my temper at another driver, and shit I live in Peoria for christ sake its not like we are in a major big city. It takes you 15 minutes to get anywhere you want to go so what is there to be pissed off about? I drove for 3 years in Seattle and while most of those people are very friendly and zen like, they still will sacrifice their first born for a spot in the carpool lane. Talk about scary...But this morning I was rushing back from E's house, I usually leave pretty early in the morning on Thursday's just cause my kids come back from their Dad's and I usually need to clean up a bit or do dishes. But today I slept in, and took my time getting ready and leaving his house. As I am merging on to 74 this semi-truck won't get over to the other lane...now that is probably my biggest driving pet peeve. Get the f**k over if someone is trying to merge especially if there is no one in the other lane. Which there wasn't. There were surprisingly few people on the road this morning so the asshole could have gotten over and I wouldn't have had to make a complete stop before getting onto the highway. So I honk my horn and scream a profanity at him and go to pass him, but instead of letting me pass he gets into the passing lane! Errr so by this time my sleeves are pushed up and its Game On. Now my attitude may have something to do with the fact that at that moment my iPod playlist had changed from my "driving music" with James Taylor, Sean Hayes, and Dave Matthews, to my "running" playlist with Eminmen, Ludicrous, and Black Eye Peas. (hey what can I say I like to run to gangsta rap) So my adrenaline was kicked in to high gear. It was me, a truck and the open road ( another tag line from Duel). So fueled by the lyrics to Back that Azz Up, I pass the truck and give him the finger ( I know not at all mature, but the rap music made me do it) He looks at me yells something I think looked like "Suck my you know what" and gave me the finger back. SO I am past him thinking we are done with our little exchange and back I go home again home again. Nope he is behind me going really fast,too fast, since I am going over 80 to pass him and he is literally on my ass. So I slow down thinking he will pass me, but nope he stays like that till the Brimfield exit when I am freaked out enough that I take that exit to see what he will do. Well he honked his horn, flashed his lights and sped off into the crazy trucker sunset. Wheww. I was actually a little bit concerned for my safety, and knew I wouldn't be able to pull of any cool minivan stunts like driving over the median or flipping the car around to go in the opposite direction, or the ultimate driving off some sort of ramp and go flying through the air till the War Drive exit is in view, while landing safely without a hair out of place(hell i watch alot of manly movies while I am in Kewanee) without injuring myself and my new van : ) Damn why couldn't I have gone to stunt driving school??

Bone Scans and John Denver

Alright so my bones are officially scanned and it was a piece of cake. It just goes to show you that you shouldn't google any medical procedure without first asking exactly what you are having done. I was having a bone density scan, not necessarily a full out bone scan with the dye in the veins and the radioactive urine (damn it) I was getting tested to make sure my bones are alright. The lovely technician explained it all to me but I was more focused on the fact that he looked like George Clooney's twin, so all my brain was thinking was damn why didn't I put on some cuter sweats....It was a very quick procedure and at the end I was trying to get the tech to tell me how my bones looked but all he could tell me was that he thought I would be pleased with the results, but that my doc would have to tell me the full results...damn legal guidelines! So hopefully that means no early onset osteoporosis and I can go back to doing even more damage on my knees by running. It didn't take long and I was out of there before Old Navy opened .

While I was waiting there was this lady in the waiting room sitting there with an obviously bald head covered by a beautiful scarf, she commented to me how much she liked my short hair and how she never thought she would be jealous of someones "short" hair until she had none. Pretty heavy shit for 9 in the morning when I wasn't really too keen on the idea of having to go to the breast health center to have the scan done in the first place. I tend to avoid at all costs thinking about cancer or thinking about dying or getting older or getting sick. I can't handle it...at all...better than I used to be but still not good. I hate hospitals I even hate the pretty and new Center For Health, I just don't want to be reminded that I could one day need a doctor. This lady her name was Ginny...she told me to make sure I spelled her name with a G : ) was the neatest person I have ever spoken to for less than 20 minutes. I can say that with all certainty. She was diagnosed with breast cancer a year ago and only given 6 months to live when they had found the cancer had spread to her bones and her other vital organs. She was 42 years old had never been married but had a male partner who has been her rock she told me through all of this. She asked if I had any children, when I told her 4 her eyes welled up with tears and she told me that she had never wanted any kids of her own and had enjoyed her carefree adult life. But had always in the back of her head though "what if". She then took my hand and told me to never do anything that would make me say "what if". God I am not a crier by nature I would probably rather bleed out of my mouth than cry in front of a stranger but I started to cry at those words. She hopes to live till Christmas time her favorite holiday. As I was being called to go back to the room her partner Gary came from the cafeteria with coffee for both of them, an older man who looked tired but kind. Damn I wasn't expecting to have that happen to me today. usually the people I am next to in the waiting room either are seriously crazy or seriously religious and always want to ask me if I have found Jesus. ( I must look like a heathen) Not ever someone who was dying and so personable to a total stranger. I told her that I was only there for a bone density test, that my boobs were not involved at all in today's exam, she smiled and told me to have a beautiful day. As I told her good-bye, I felt relieved that I was healthy and happy that I had met her, but extremely sad that she wouldn't be around next year that Gary would be alone without her. I suddenly missed my kids like crazy and hoped their dipshit Dad was giving them enough hugs. Ughhh I don't know how the nurses and the doctors and the medical people do it all day long. I don't think I am strong enough. I talked to her for maybe 10 minutes and I am rethinking how I spend my time, and my decisions. I am sad and angry that cancer can be so devastating. Ladies do your monthly self exams! Ginny was deathly afraid to do hers, she told me she thought if she didn't do them she would never find anything bad...well yeah true I guess, but Gary was the one that found the lump and she couldn't ignore it any longer after that. Feel yourselves up ladies!!



Ok on a much happier note... the music of John Denver the man who has brought me much happiness with his voice and guitar...is being brought to an off-Broadway stage near you. Well actually not really near you unless you are in New York. Almost Heaven: Songs of John Denver is being debuted on November 9th of this year! I am assuming a play somewhat like Moving Up with all the songs of Billy Joel. Here's hoping the tour gets this way! The only problem would be finding someone to take me...lol



Enjoy your day!!!

My So Called Life

So I am online tonight after E leaves looking mindlessly at gossip pages and random videos on youtube since for some reason I have overlooked the fact that I am done with my last book and have nothing to read that is more intellectual than People and I come across abc.com and I see on there that you can watch full episodes of some of their most popular shows. Cool right? So if I happen to miss DVRing an episode of Grey's Anatomy I can watch it the next week online. Which makes me wonder why I am spending $70 a month on cable but that's besides the point. So I am scrolling through the episodes and they have that old show My So Called Life on there so I click it and start to watch some of the episodes. I loved that show when it was on back in the day, and surprised me at how relevant it all is 14 years after the fact. That show was really awesome and its a shame that it only lasted one season. And even though I kind of secretly hate Clair Danes for stealing that Billy Crudup guy from his pregnant girlfriend she rocks in this show, and all the quirky characters just trying to make it one day at a time through that excruciating time called high school. Ick the only reason I am glad I am old now is that I will never have to experience high school again. : ) Good show and apparently the whole season is now on DVD, which again why would I spend the money if I can watch it online?? So now I know what I will be doing till I find another good book to read...

Sweaters, Babies, Love

Do you know how much I love sweaters?? Alot. I would move to a cold climate year round just so I could wear my sweaters. I love kids in sweaters women in sweaters, men in sweaters. Men in hats and sweaters...Wow and the more I type sweaters the weirder it looks...have you ever noticed that??? Hmmm. I love Fall I love leaves, and football games, and jackets, and sweaters. I love apples and Carmel apples, and pumpkins, and Halloween. Yeah I'm kind of a Fall freak. I love all of it. I love the cold and the snow to, except this Winter I live an hour away from the man I am dating and to be perfectly honest I am dreading the drive this Winter. So I don't love Winter driving but I love Winter too...cause there are sweaters!!! Sweaters Rock!

Ok so today my second baby girl gets in the car after school today and promptly tells me that she got poked in the eye today and pushed off the slide. WTF??? About two weeks ago I get an email from her Kindergarten teacher telling me that a little boy had bit her finger? I mean how does someone else bite your finger? Was she sticking it his mouth? Asking him to bite it? Did he ask her to bite it? I was confused. But I am a very in general laid back kind of Mom. If its not gonna scar or need stitches then Thanks for telling me but let's move on to what we learned in school. But I was kind of pissed today. Her regular Teacher's Aide was gone this week so a sub was on the playground and apparently the little boy wasn't in her class so no one ever really talked to him about the general universal playground rule of no pushing people off the slides...especially my baby. Anyway so I did something that I swore I would never do for such a mild case....I emailed the teacher. I figured this was the preferred method nowadays and then I wouldn't sound so crazy over the phone . So I emailed and got a very prompt response back. I think the cooler weather must have had alot to do with the rowdiness this week and I sympathized with the teacher. They sooo don't make enough money! I just wanted to make sure that this little boy was at least told what the rules were and she agreed. Now I guess I won't go kick his ass...this time anyway :)

I love Fall did I mention that? Love was the other topic I put up there and I know no one wants to hear me gush about me being in love so I will reemphasize how much I love Fall...and love. I love love Ok I couldn't resist. That's as sappy as I'll get I swear.

Have a great Fall weekend!!!

Sunday, Hemophilia and Needles

So Sunday was awesome! Met E's mom who did really turn out to be a sincerely nice woman. Even me in my mean judgemental way could find nothing wrong with her, or even what would potentially be a problem. She loved her son, her granddaughters and pretty much had adopted my own 4 as her own new grandkids before the end of the afternoon. There was a huge feast as my Lily put it, face painting which was hilarious and alot of fun, and pumpkin painting and of course lots of pictures. One family member down and it turned out great. All my kids got along and very little melt downs. I posted a pic of Nathan as a blue pokadotted monster of some sort. I told Eric last night this will be the picture the prosecutor blows up to poster size after Nathan stabs me to death in my sleep for making me get his face painted as an almost 2 year old : )

I just got back from the yearly clinic at Dr T's today. My younger boys (my only boys) have a rare bleeding disorder called Hemophilia. No they don't get cut easier and they don't necassarily bleed more they just don't have the clotting factor in their blood that you or I have so they bleed longer. So its not so much the scrapes and bruises of everyday life that I worry about its the limp my 4 year has every once in awhile or a bump on the little ones head. Its the internal bleeding into their joints that they tend to worry about. Hemophilia can be a crippling disease if nothing else. I am lucky my boys, both had mild/moderate hemophilia, which means I don't have to see the doctor for factor unless there is a major injury, or like I said a limp that wont go away..or for instance when the 4 year slammed the door on the 2 year old's finger he needed factor at the ER so it would stop the bleeding sooner. There are families out there that deal with this on a day to day basis not just on a case by case basis. There are kids that have severe hemophilia that have spontaneous bleeds who have to wear knee pads when they learn how to crawl cause it could affect their joints. I am lucky. I knew I had a 50% chance of having a son that had hemophilia, since I knew I was a carrier because my dad has it, but on the plus side after our 2 girls and really wanting a son, I knew that the severity of the hemophilia would be no more than mild moderate because that is what my Dad has and that it doesn't worsen or lessen on down the hereditary line.

It was a morning process in the beginning just because he won't be able to play contact sports, join the military or anything like that, pluses in some ways but anytime a parent is told their kids will have limitations it is still somewhat of a disappointment... you want to tell them they can do anything they want which he can ito a degree...it was just a learning process to teach him and now Nathan as well what he will be able to do instead. At the end of the morning long visits with the social worker, physical therapist, dentist,nurse practitioner and then finally the doctor visit they had to get blood drawn. Now I had promised Nick no shots, but he was on to my game and didn't want anything to do with needles whether it was to draw blood or give him a shot. Nathan honest to God sat there looked at the needle in his arm and the vials they were filling up with his blood and laughed...seriously I am a little concerned for that boy, then after he was done and had the band aid on he walked out of the room but not before giving the nurse a hug on her leg??? She's probably on his killing spree list as well

Nick on the other hand had to be carried into the room screaming and crying, when he realized it didn't hurt so much he still didn't want the needle in his arm and began screaming at them to take it out then the tear jerker looks at me and pleads " Mommy make them take it out" Ughhh I hate seeing my kids like that and usually I have a "suck it up soldier" type of attitude, but it was bad...but its over and knock on wood we wont have to be in there for any more infusions : )

Meeting the Mom and Communication

So if this blog just stops in the middle of my rambling its cause I had to go throw up....I am meeting his mother today, and his step-dad and their dog. But mainly I am meeting his mother. I talked to her on the phone on Wednesday, after he passed it to me while making plans for today. She seemed sweet and lovely and very nonthreatening or scary. But I am still scared. I do generally well with parents , I can come across as sweet and likable and reasonably intelligent. So they tend to like me and at the very least tolerate me for their son's sake. This time around in my dating evolution I am 31 and have 4 kids from a failed marriage. I do not work and I am in school...for the first time...not getting some sort of fancy degree just a degree would be nice, really just tryin to get through it one semester at a time. I guess I just don't want to embarrass the man. I want him to be proud ( for lack of a cheesier word) of me and not "oh yeah here's this girl I love and all the things that come along with her"...I know he is, but I was hoping to put off meeting the parents till I was a highly successful medical social worker who made gillions of dollars a year and my kids were all Ivy league graduates. I am by no way saying that I think his mom puts that much importance on all that but it would ease my mind a tad.

I'm lucky I get to stay at home with my little kids, even after the divorce, more than luck I am blessed to the tenth degree and the fact that I am able and motivated to go back to school in my 30s is pretty remarkable just on my part since I pretty much hate school. Its all soo different dating as an older "adult" I use the term loosely ... I have a life that has been lived and I have to share that with someone that didn't know me in my 20s like my ex-in laws.

My Nick's birthday is Tuesday he is going to be 4! And so my sweet Eric is bringing a cake today,and him and his girls got to buy boy gifts which I think Eric liked a little too much : ) So Nick knows that we are having a "pretend' birthday part for him since after he eats the cake he will still be 3 for 2 more days, which is important in his mind. They have been drilled on politeness and to say thank-you and please, to try and not break any family heirlooms and to get along with their brothers and sisters, and try and make me look like a good mom, who they at least listen to some of the time. I think it will go great. E has described his mom as nothing short of a saint, and someone who likes everyone and is very easy to get along with, so that calms me down, the fact that my kids and his kids will be there calms me down too, since kids are the ultimate conversation starter...so hopefully they will do majorly cute things today.



So in my last blog I talked about E and his old blog I ran across, well I talked to him about it last night in out nightly phone call and I am just gonna say that I love him. I love him for everything everyone else who was a man in my life wasn't and that he is. I get like that... I get a little freaked about the past at times and then I just kind of need to be talked down from the ledge and I'm okay. I don't know why it bothered me so much. I like to know about someones history about where they came from and who helped to shape them and make them who they are, I don't think I could seriously just be one of those women who don't ask at all about a guy's history or ask and then be perfectly okay with everything I hear. He listened to me, cause believe it or not if you think I ramble on here you should hear me in person...I was having a hard time trying to find words about why it was bothering me, but he helped and I love him for making it alright. I didn't need any kind of explanation really but he is a good talker and listened probably more than he wanted to... and he helped. So communication is the key it really is especially when I really want to make this work and move forward and so does he..thank God .



Well wish me luck on meeting his mom I am pretty positive I will write about it soon!

Life, Love, and Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

Tryin out a new font and a new color today just cause I'm crazy like that : )So this week has been really good, got some doctor's appointments out of the way, spent time with Eric in Kewanee, oh yeah and found an old blog he wrote about 2 of his past girlfriends and now I can't get that out of my head... And since I have already written about my doctor's appointments, guess what topic is on the agenda for today? : )

I watched this show on Monday night it was about the people that have 17 kids and one more on the way, they made it into a series of sorts and actually it isn't really all that bad. Well apparently they are really religious (duh) and one of their beliefs in their particular religion is that when you ask someone you love to marry you it isn't so much like if you or I would get asked or ask someone to marry us. No that is just the beginning of the "courting" process and then they can if permission is given by both parents can do things like sit next to each other , and hold hands. No kissing, fondling, and big shocker no sex till the wedding night. What struck me as something that may seem odd but given my current situation sounded pretty smart was that they don't "date" like you or I. They find someone they like ask them to marry them and that's it. No I like you but your second toe is bigger than your first so move along, or I like you, sex is great, but you have a body odor issue...move along. ( I could give a million of these from my past dating life) Nope they don't do that...the Dad of the 17 kids came on and he said that they do this so your heart is pure for the person you want to spend forever with, that the point is to pray and God will send you someone and then you don't get to divorce them if they make your coffee too cold in the morning, which seems to be how easy it is nowadays. The Dad I believe his name is Jim Bob said that his wife had alot of boyfriends before him and that she came with alot of issues and for lack of a better word baggage with her. I sat there thinking (1.) Why hasn't this lady's uterus fallin out with 17 kids? and (2.) That makes sooo much sense! Maybe these crazy religious fertile people have something going on with this idea. Now obviously I can't do that...I can't make my past disappear, nor would I want it to, well maybe a couple of things, but for the most part I live with no regrets. But my point ..and I do have one, is that my issue with my boyfriend is his past, which I even acknowledge is in the past. I love, trust, and believe in him now, but everytime I stumble across a blog from 4 years ago...Now how crazy was that for one??? I am just using the random search thing, just cause I am bored and like to read about other people's lives, and there is his picture. I felt like I was spying on him, and although I am a relatively nosy person, it seemed really private these posts...and WTF haven't I learned anything from my Wednesday night question asking sessions? I wrote about that in an earlier post...if I don't want to know how good the ex girlfriend was in bed why do I ask it?? lol

I understand those crazy people with the kids now I really do or that concept of their belief system. Sure if you can and you think it will work why not just build your life without the history of other people clogging it up. I think I learned something from every person I dated, but why not just learn as you go with your husband and that was it? Eric has been wonderful, he obviously didn't think I would ever come across that blog and he answered all my questions and the thing is I have dated just like he has I have had some shady characters in my life and have done some not so angelic things. He has asked some of that and then leaves it at just knowing, I on the other hand just can't get all I know out of my head and it sucks!! That's why I should have just stuck to my Cosmo questions. You know what it is? It's that with Dale I knew him when he was 20, I was 18 what kind of history do you have till then? Your childhood mainly and most of our childhood history is harmless, high school might have gotten a little wild and crazy but it was high school. The relationships in high school were basically when you were a child. So when Dale and I got together we started to build our adult history together, then when you get a divorce half of that goes and lives somewhere else and you have to start your own new one, by yourself and then if your lucky with other people. With E I want to build a history with him, I want to spend my life with him, but the past history is getting in my way a bit. Not literally but in my crowded thinking too much head. I love him though and I know he loves me, trust is just something I have always sucked at, and the thing is he has never given me a reason in the almost 4 months we have been dating to not trust him...I need to turn my computer off and stop trying to read about his past.I am right at this moment writing this so I don't call him and ask him another question about it hehe. I am getting better at that just not perfect yet.

And on my final note for the blog...aren't oatmeal raisin cookies the best?? They literally make me happy. I made some last night for the kids and the leftover ones were just sitting there on the stove, I got up this morning and was so happy knowing they were there for me to eat for breakfast with my tea. Ahhh tea, oatmeal cookies and a Diet Coke...life doesn't get much better : )

Bone Scan and Radioactive Urine

So I had a doctors appointment today...nothing too major. I saw my neurologist who I think I might have a slightly inappropriate crush on. I have a seizure disorder for those of you that don't know me. I had my first grand mal seizure when I was living in Seattle with my ex about 10 years ago. It was in the middle of the night so I don't remember having it, but I know it wasn't a great experience for my ex. He called 911 and I was taken to the ER where honestly I think they all thought I was having some sort of reaction to the illegal drugs they assumed I was taking ( I wasn't), they basically chalked it up to some statistic that one out of every, fill in the blank here, people have an unexplained seizure in their life time. To go home rest and if it happens again they would run all the tests. Well it happened again about a week later. So I got all the fancy pictures of my brain done and nothin showed up...which is sooo funny looking back on that period of my life...young and child free how I didn't even worry that it might have been a tumor...didn't really even cross my mind. Where if that had happened today I would have probably been a nervous wreck, planning my funeral, and making good-bye videos for my kids...ahhh the ignorance of youth...

Anyway I was fine but they put me on an anti-seizure medication anyway told me not to drink too much on it and I would live happily ever seizure free after. Which I did really only a couple of stupid times like a week after we got married I found out I was pregnant...now all the books scare poor young mothers into thinking that if you look at an aspirin your baby will be deformed so I was petrified of what my medication could do to my baby so I (stupidly) stopped taking the medication, and guess what?? Yep I had a seizure, I was fine, Lily was fine, and I got a stern talking to from my doctor. So I go once a year to test for all the side effects the medication might cause.

Now I hadn't been to my doctor since I was pregnant with Nathan the fourth baby so that was about 2 years ago until today when I went mainly because there was a really mean nurse who wouldn't refill my prescription anymore unless I came in...yeah yeah I get why i need to go in, but hell it wasn't like I am selling it on the street... hmmm I wonder...???? I hate doctors and hospitals and old people in hospitals waiting to see the doctors...to many memories and fears pop up and I just avoid it at all costs. My doctor is wonderful, cute in an old man from a different country sort of way. He thought everything looked great, but I had to get blood levels drawn, to check to make sure my levels of the medication I am taking are efficient and to check for possible liver damage which is a side effect of the medication. He also mentioned that it can also decrease bone mass which will make me more susceptible to bones breaking and what not so he recommended a bone scan...kind of like an x-ray my doctor described. Sure why not I say...

So they schedule it I get home and Google it...which yeah I know I shouldn't do but I was curious...so I am reading that they inject this dye into my veins and then basically take pictures and if there are any big dark spots that means I have a tumor or cancer or something equally awful, and if the dye distributes evenly then I am fine. But the part I liked the best was that they will make sure I use the restroom afterwards to get rid of any radioactive urine I might have. hehe I wonder what you could do with radioactive urine?? Fuel cars? Make bombs? Grow corn? I mean I think just the name alone could sell something?? what? yeah well you're probably right...maybe not :)

More to come on the bone scan!

Meet the Parents and the Best Friend

14 weeks and 4 days....that's how long we have been together. I usually don't document everyday but for the purpose of the blog and making my point I thought it was useful. I do however have the weeks we have been dating on my calendar. Every Tuesday another week that for some cosmic reason I still love him.

I have been in one other long term relationship since my divorce and he was great but I think I was searching for someone who was the complete opposite of my ex-husband...and I found him, but it just didn't work. He was the polar opposite and in the beginning I thought that was what I wanted, but by 14 weeks and 4 days into that one, I wanted to scratch and claw my way out.

Then I met E and he reminded me alot of Dale (the ex-husband) but in a good way in the ways that I loved about him in the beginning of that relationship. His sense of humor, and his willingness to listen to me at the end of everyday...to tell him every detail of the days events, and then actually make comments or laugh or get mad at the appropriate places . And then when I ask him how his day was...he tells me in detail, and I love listening to him talk to me about the car business and what cars got sold and how big an engine is or whatever things I really without him would have no interest in, but I now find myself noticing the Chevy's more or the color of cars...lol.

This is by no means meant to be a big gushy blog about him, but my point was I think people are attracted to people for a reason, and sometimes the whole going outside of the box, opposites attract thing just doesn't work. For me anyway...so on to the point of this...

I haven't met his parents yet. His parents like mine are divorced and remarried . And I think timing has just been the major thing there. With my kids being with me most of the time, and the distance between us, it just hasn't worked yet. And even though I am 31 years old I still want to impress his folks, so the thought of meeting them makes me throw up a little in my mouth...but also I am totally psyched to see kind of "where he came from".

My parents wanted to meet him so as a bribe they offered to keep all the kids overnight if before hand me and E would come to dinner so they could meet him. I really wasn't worried, cause he is a really likable salesmany type of guy, that even if the conversation lagged he would keep it going. My Aunt and Uncle were there also and things turned out great couldn't have been better really. He had written me yesterday morning and told me that he had been up the night before puking and that he was at work and felt better, but he wanted to wait till after lunch to make sure, so that made me nervous right there...one I really was looking forward to seeing him and two how the hell was I gonna tell my dad and Paula that he canceled...even if he was legitimately sick I was scared about what they would think...but he was fine and they loved him...like I knew they would : )

My mom lives in Seattle and will be here after Christmas so she will get to meet him then. She's a bit more of a hard nut to crack,. but I am almost certain he will charm her into liking him, even if she doesn't want to, you almost can't help yourself..gush gush : )

So after dinner we were deciding what to do with a kid free night and so I suggested going over to Renee's my BFF and she if she was home. They have never met either so I thought we would get all the introductions out of the way in one night. She was home, and we sat out on her patio for a couple of hours, talking, smoking and freezing (well E did anyway) . It was fun and she liked him alot too, which is always the one approval you want anyway is from the best friend.

It was a great weekend and I honestly just feel that much more closer to him than before. At least no one told any embarrassing stories about me or broke out any high school pictures with my huge bangs and big green glasses...lol So now I am back to real life with kids and I am off to go make nachos for lunch...yummmy : )

School, Volleyball, Losing my Mind, and Californication

Ok so my blog today of random things...As most of you know I was one of the fortunate kids whose father worked at Bradley and my tuition roughly about $15,000, in 1995, a year, was completely paid for, and also that I was one of the idiots that didn't take full advantage of that program and become a life long student. I dropped out, well actually I dropped out cause I was flunking out after only a semester. I could go in to every conceiveable explanation and justification on why I din't finish my FREE education when I was young i.e. boys, lack of motivation, boys and oh yeah boys, but I won't. I was just young and dumb and thought that there was sooo much life to live outside of a classroom...now technically there is but for Christ's sake I could have lived my fair share in the almost 10 years I have had now if I would have graduated at 22. Hindsight in 20/20 that is for damn sure.

Now I got married young and had 4 babies in the course of 5 years and really honestly thought I would be one of those women who stayed at home forever, or at least to my kids were out of school and then I would take up some great hobby like photography or sky diving when I was in my 40s. But nope life never works the way you have it planned and when I was 3 months pregnant with my 4th child my now ex-husband called me from a payphone after he got off work and told me he was leaving, didn't want the responsibilities of a wife or kids, or a home anymore, and that he going to go stay at his mom's. Well to be honest it didn't exactly shock me, but holy crap I thought the whole he has to pay me 40% of his paycheck would have been some sort of reason to stay together! Nope. It honestly was the best thing that has ever happened to me, and even though he did it in a shitty way, I thank God everyday that he left. The marriage sucked but I know I would have never left, so it was a blessing that he did.

But that left me with the question.."What the hell am I going to do with my life?" Sure 40% of his paycheck was nice but not enough to live on forever, plus the kids are getting older and someday it wont be that much. So what was I going to do??? I had worked in daycares and preschools before, and had originally started Bradley with the idea that I would one day be a teacher 2nd grade to be exact , just like Susie and I had planned on the phone back in the 5th grade. But teaching didn't really appeal so much to me anymore now that I had kids, don't ask me why, but I didn't think I could do it well, well enough that they would be better for having me as a teacher.
So I decided with the insistence and support of my mom...who without her I would be working 2 or 3 jobs trying to just make ends meet like a lot of single moms I know and admire, I started school. And shit it is soo much harder at 30 than at 18. For one thing all the boys ( I call them boys but I guess technically they are young men) hold the door open for me and pick up my pencils when I drop them. My theory is that I remind them of their best friend's mom, or they want to be nice to me so maybe I would buy them beer after class. And the young women oh my God. When I was at Bradley the girls didn't look like the girls of today. I mean they are cute and tiny, eating ice chips for lunch must have really caught on in this generation, and they all have really straight freakin hair that they are constantly checking for dead ends. We had to do a persuasive speech in my Speech class last semester and one girl did hers on "Why everyone should buy designer clothes"?? Hmmm alright. The teacher who was my age, and I shared oh my God this is the future of our country looks back and forth while trying to stifle our laughter. The stupid jokes some of the professors make about "old" movies, I laugh at while everyone stares at them blankly, and I also had one boy-man say I was a MILF which apparently in today's lingo means "Mom I would like to fuck". Now I didn't know whether or not to be flattered or whip out my stretch marks and my saggy boobs after they aren't supported my my wonder bra..I decided against it and told him thanks but maybe in about 10 years : ) Another thing besides the very young looking students is my lack of brain power. I am proud to say I have all A's, but I have to work my ass off to get them, and I have no idea how these kids pass with all the partying that goes on. Sure I attend a gathering at a bar every once in awhile (what am I dead?) but then I know I cant drink too much or I wont be able to remember what classes I am in the next day. I am blaming some of my memory loss on the number of babies have come out of me, but if I am being honest with myself, its my damn old age. I am 31 and getting stupider by the year. I better hurry up and finish quick before I am forced to work at Walmart as the greeter ( not that there's anything wrong with that)

Last night me and my sweet boyfriend went to see his girls play their very first volleyball game. It was so much fun but a long night. Apparently their game got started late and then the teams are split into two age groups and then both teams actually played two games. Wheww we were there for almost 4 hours and we were both volleyballed out, but I was so glad I got to go, since most of their games are on Saturday or Thursday nights. We then went to McDonald's and heard an old man disturbingly talk about something being "Off the Chain" which I am hoping he meant like his bicycle chain was off the wheel and that is what they called the wheel back in 1930... the dude was old people. His girls are so much fun and I can tell they are getting used to me cause my headed moved back and forth more than at their volleyball game listening to all the stories they had to tell.

So we drop them off and we come back home and watch the new episode of Californication, which was a total let down. His ex left her new husband on her wedding day to be with Hank (David Duchvney) which who the hell could blame her, he gets a vasectomy, and accidentally goes down on another women then gets arrested. It was good but I liked when he was pining for her and couldn't have her. But hey that's just me.

And today I should be studying waiting for him to get off work. I will miss our lunch time romps when I actually do have to go to work or to school on a Wednesday, But I am truly enjoying life at the moment and things couldn't be going better ( knock on wood) ; )