Monday, September 22, 2008

July 23, 2008 Well, the year is more than half way over...

Who would of thought that the movie entirely made up of songs from ABBA would have inspired me to write this blog to you my faithful reader(s) today? I am standing at the crossroads and I am not afraid to cross...a line from a song I heard today which caused me to think about where I am in my life. The thing is is that I thought I had it all figured out last year and early on in this one. I thought I was at the crossroads and not afraid anymore. I thought I was crossing with full steam ahead and not an ounce of fear, but my friends I know I was wrong. I know I was scared shitless and may have been crossing but carelessly and with out a lot of thought going into the process. The crossroads I was standing on were stupidity and scardycat lanes...they exist I know.

The beginning of this year was a learning experience for me. I was in a relationship for the first time after my divorce. After my very wild and crazy summer of love and fall of love last year. When I met this man who after being a little wild and crazy for 6 months I thought could calm me down. I thought he was the one who I wanted to settle down with and have him help me raise my family. I thought that the fact that he loved me soo much could mask all the fear and doubt I had about us. I thought that if someone loved me enough it could be enough for the two of us. Boy I was wrong, and I will love him forever for teaching me that lesson. I always wanted the man to "love me more than I loved him" I always thought that after a rocky marriage where I always felt unstable that his love would stabilize me, his massive amounts of love would help me feel secure and in turn some of that love I could give back. Well guess what? It didn't. It made me almost resent him for seeing that it wasn't mutual and for still sticking around. It made me feel crazy and suffocated and that something was wrong with me for not being able to reciprocate this love. So I stuck it out till circumstances beyond our control took over and I had to end that.Which in retrospect was the best thing that happened to me. It taught me another valuable life lesson on not ever settling for anything less than what I want out of life, that a love that is meant to last is mutual built on partnership and love from both people, now I know at 31 that's a little late in the game to be figuring that one out but hey better late than never.

The night I had broken up with him I got an IM from my best friend who I hadn't seen since January a good 6 months. We had been occasionally talking back and forth through emails both of us cautious to get back together thinking that we needed more time to heal from the argument we had ( the reason we hadn't seen each other in 6 months). She asked me how I was doing and I broke down (cyberly) and cried to her that I felt bad and guilty for ending things for letting my children get so attached, for going so quickly and for in essence, though not to that extreme degree, settling again. And we talked forever about my ex and about her boyfriend, and I knew that if she was with me I would be okay. I felt like my arm was broken, or missing for the last 6 months not having her to talk to everyday and knowing that we would be okay, that night was better than anything that anyone could have done for me at that moment. We of course still continue to talk to each other and it is slowly but surely getting back to the way things used to be, catching up like crazy still filling each other in on the details of our lives that we had missed out on. I knew that everything would be okay with her to support me and most of all just to be my friend again.

So with the better part of the year spent taking care of a relationship that was badly broken and morning the loss of a friendship. I was ready for a summer that was different. And it has been such a nice relaxing new summer full of adventures with my babies, finding my very best friend again and having that relationship back, which almost feels like with her back in my life I am able to breath again. I have the use of that broken arm back and with that boyfriend gone I have my mind and my head back to think clearly about what I really and truly want for me and my family. I am dating again and with the clarity of someone who through trial and err knows how to behave and knows what I want and how I want it done and I am standing there at those crossroads and its not scary I don't need my hand held like I thought I did 9 months ago. So thank you ABBA ... Who woulda thought?

No comments: