Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Random Tuesday Thoughts


Random Tuesday Thoughts again. Is it just me, or am I just random? I am starting to rethink my reasoning for blogging in the first place and am considering taking up knitting or scrap booking, synchronized swimming perhaps.

I have about 15 different ideas of semi intelligent thoughts in my head but when I go to try and make a blog post about them it all comes out like this: blah blah blah blah I'm a little teacup short and stout here is my handle here is my spout blah blah blah. Seriously why can't I form a coherent post lately? Or ever? but lately I just haven't had my blogging mojo in tune. I think Stella took my groove and she isn't giving it back. I need my groove Stella. Damnit don't make me raise my voice.

I have discovered the most wonderful combination of two things ever! Dare I say the best thing since peanut butter and celery, apples and Martinis, woman with big
boobs and Chicken wings, yes it is that good! It is brilliant and I almost don't want to share my new found explosion of deliciousness with the world, but because I am just that nice and have nothing else to write about I will share. You will need a bag of jelly beans, not those spicy ones or jelly belly freaky tasting ones. The normal Easter is here jelly beans. Now we all know how much the purple and the red jelly beans rock right? Of course you do. Black licorice ones are only for when you're desperate for a sugar fix and the lemon ones are only for when you want to remember back to when you were 17 and got drunk on frozen lemonade and vodka, and the orange ones are good for bribing 2 year olds to go pee pee on the potty (seriously since becoming a parent I can't even remember the grown up word for potty. You can all feel sorry for me its okay). But what do you do with the rest of the flavors? I have found the perfect combination of jelly beans....ready? The pink ones and the green ones together in my mouth is pure happiness. Green and pink by themselves? Disgustingness. Together, lovely. Try it. You will thank me I guarantee it. You are so welcome.

Is it just me or did that paragraph sound like it was written by a 12 year old? No offense to the 12 year olds out there reading this who I am sure can write more
entertaining drivel then this. I had a comment on my last post about how I sounded pessimistic so I don't want to disappoint. Since I already pissed off the crack dealers I don't want to irritate the already irritated.

While spending an exciting Friday night at home this past weekend channel surfing and eating jelly beans I stumbled across the Animal Planet's show called Jockeys. Has anyone seen this television masterpiece? It is so exciting and it is really making me wish I was 9 inches shorter and about 70 pounds lighter and wasn't deathly afraid of horses. Or just that I really wanted to throw some of my money away on horses named Jockey Itch or Harry Trotter. I can't decide? I always thought of horse racing as seedy and shady and all the other words associated with gambling, but this show profiles the jockeys (they were pretty smart with the title) and how they are pretty much all multi million dollar athletes. Except if you don't win a race then you get paid in horse feed. This show is almost as good as The Mole Hunter.



I wish I was British and could go around sounding cool with my British accent saying things like holiday and sneaky and little bit. It just sounds so much better with a English accent. Come on try it, its fun.

Why can't divorces ever go smoothly? It took about 18 months from the time he left to the time we were actually divorced to get everything settled the way we both could agree on, and now he is being a total asshat again. The ex , since I am in school and not working at the moment, claims all four of the lovely offspring on his tax return and in turn is supposed to split the refund with me, till the youngest gets to Kindergarten or until I start working again. He told me a couple of weeks ago he was getting so much money wrote me the check and all was good right? Hell no. Because nothing can go that smoothly. I thinking he was up to his sneaky asshat ways looked up online how much of a refund he got and turns out the moron, I cant believe I actually was ever naked next to, messed up the tax return and he got $600 more than what he thought he was getting. I told him about his mishap but he wont give me the extra $300. Its all so immature and irritating I just want his head to explode. (Cause that is mature)

I bought a new kickboxing heavy bag today. To replace that sassy B.O.B. that hurt my knee. (that will show that plastic torso of a man who's boss) I am so excited to start kicking again since the only kickboxing class my gym offers involves combining martial arts with hip hop dancing and believe me No one wants to see me try to do that. So I decided my basement was as good a place as any to get my Hilary Swank(circa Million Dollar Baby) physique back (even though it was no where near Hilary Swank physique ever but it sounded good) Now I just have to figure out a way to get 250 pounds of sand in the base of the bag so it wont go sliding across the basement floor everytime I jab cross upper cut. ( I am so bad ass seriously stop me)

I spent Sunday with E and his 12 year old girls and I am so scared to become a mother one day to 12 year old girls its paralyzing. Even more than that I am petrified to be a stepmother to 12 year old girls who at any minute change their mood from "Oh my Gawd Sarah so and so is my BFF forever I love her" during a conversation to crying and hysterically telling me that they hate her guts and never want to see her for as long as they walk the Planet Earth. Holy hormones I was scared. To be completely honest I don't really like kids. I love my own but I am really thinking that's only because they came out of me. Other people's kids? Well they're cute and I love to hold babies and little kids are pretty cool cause you can eat a banana and they think you're hilarious but 12 year old girls? I'm scared.


Well that's about all the randomness this week. Check out Keely over at The UnMom for all her awesome random bloggers. And if anyone has seen my blogging groove can you please tell it to get it's ass back home, its been out way past its curfew. Thanks.

Happy Tuesday!

32 comments:

Middle Aged Woman Blogging said...

I feel exactly the same way sometimes. I have one of those freestanding kickboxing thingys, but tonight I ate and entire package of white chocolate chip cookies, well me and the dog shared, but I think he got the damned severance package and I need to kick something, but it won't be the dog, at least not the one I live with, damned those cookies were good. I wish I had one right now, and he won't tell me how much or how they paid him, he is on vacation on some friggin sunny island and I am freezing my ass off here in Pissoria. I want my money and I still want to kick something, but would settle for a cookie.

Kurt said...

Technically, Big boobs and anything is pretty much a winning combination. Try it. Big boobs and horseradish? check. Big Boobs and cleaning the windows? Check. I could go on...

Being the Father of a 14 year old, let me just say it is nowhere near as scary as you think it will be. You just have to be a little extra tolerant and willing to be "chuh!"-ed at.

Casey said...

I always love your randomness and like you, I'm terrified of twelve year old girls. My kid had better never be one or I won't be her friend. Wait, who's the twelve year old now?

Jelly beans, hmm. I'd say that I'd try it but some HASAYers might read your comments and call me out on it. *wink* *wink* I won't try it.

Sorry the ex is being an asshat, I love using that word though. I think you should add that to the list of words you say in your British accent.

Keely said...

Women with big boobs and chicken wings? Interesting visual there.

Katie said...

Your divorce only took only took 18 months? Mine took 2-1/2 years. (Granted I did get pregnant with our second child in the middle of it and that hung things up a bit.) Almost 7 years later, we still have stuff that gets us hung up and ass-hattery has to be pointed out to be fixed. Hang in there...it does get easier bit by bit...
I have to grocery shop today and I was considering getting jelly beans. I think I will have to now!

Julie@Cool Mom Guide said...

Don't question your blogging, you rock. I hate jelly beans but because of you really want to try some out right now. You made a difference. Also, I have big boobs. So big, I had to have a reduction and make them moderately big instead of super big.

Julie@Cool Mom Guide said...

I'd also like to mention that my cousin had a dream years ago involving me answering my door pulling a chicken leg out of my bra and asking her if she was hungry.

Peggy said...

Oh Sarah...I totally have to disagree with you on the jellybean front...thou shalt only give the black ones to the dog!

Green, Yellow, Red and Orange are my favorites!

Sorry about the exhole!

kyooty said...

"Other people's kids?" I have to agree, I'm so not good with other people's kids. I love babies, and my neices and nephews but other people's kids from other people's houses? oh no!

Jenni said...

So, check this out - the summer before I got pregnant with Oscar, I was HIT ON my a jockey. Seriously. I was, oh, eight inches taller and probably 100 pounds heavier. We were in this trendy bar that had couches set up around coffee tables and what I remember most is that when we were sitting on the couch, his feet didn't touch the floor. I mean, I was like, are you for real, jockey? Because I would CRUSH you, little man!

Vic said...

I laugh all the way through your random posts, Sarah! Your mojo hasn't left, it's just a little more stream-of -consciousness.

Black jelly beans are disgusting. Also, my daughter is fourteen, and she is mostly wonderful, with a little peppery kick now and then. Step-daughters just have more peppery kick.

Ginny Marie said...

I can't stand black jelly beans!

There's another word for "potty?"

My cousin married someone from the UK, moved there, and now their kids have the most adorable accents!

blueviolet said...

Your blogging mojo is in fine form.

You kickbox? And you're worried about two punky 12 year old girls?

K said...

That was some awesome randomness.

Why do divorces take so long? It should be a much simpler process.

I take a kick boxing class (the pretend work out kind, not the hard core kind) and I love it. It definitely helps keep the rage down.

Happy random Tuesday.

Ryan@Cool Dad Central said...

Thank you for the 'How Stella Got Her Groove Back' reference... That is astounding.

Sprite's Keeper said...

This did NOT read like a 12 year old wrote it. I looked and looked and saw no mention of Hannah Montana, so you're good. :-)

Robin Costello said...

So at one time we both married the same asshat? Interesting. My divorce took 3 years. You got off lucky.

Divorce stinks. Men stink. Getting divorced from men stinks.

Margo said...

I think you're blogging groove is fine. Maybe not last week when you ignored my tag, but I'll get over it and try not to take it personally. I could use some pure happiness and will give the green and pink jellybean a try :)

CDB said...

I used to take a kickboxing class where we hit heavy bags every class, and I SWEAR it built up my arms and toned my legs so fast.. they work!

Great randomness today! And you are right to be scared of the Girl Scout cookies.. beware!!

angie said...

That is a wonderful "lot" of randomness. What are you going to school to do?

Robin said...

I wonder what the British call jelly beans? Something very proper and dignified, I bet. Like Gelatenous Morsels.
Happy Random Tuesday!

mrsbear said...

Really, I've always wanted a British accent, everything does sound better when you use it. Personally, I'd love to be able to go all Gordon Ramsay on some people and tell them to piss off yet still sound sophisticated.

I have a 14 year old girl, she's not all that scary, but it might be just cause I made her. All her teenage friends though, are twits. (And occasionally intimidate the hell out of me).

jen said...

i'll ask my daughter, stella ...
maybe she took mine too.
and 12 year old girls ... ohmygawd. i cannot even remotely imagine.
brave woman.

Debbie said...

I will defer to you in all things jelly beany from now on!

Jamie said...

I don't really like kids either, except my own. I have an eleven year old, and we're getting to that point with the attitude. Some days are good, some days are bad, but we always take it one day at a time. We pick our battles and like Kurt said, just be a little more tolerant. It's everything scary, I won't lie - because my 11 year old daughter has brains & is growing up in a world that she can potentially hold in the palm of her hand someday.

GreenJello said...

My hubby fills his kickbag thing with pellet salt instead of sand. Now we have an emergency supply of pellet salt. :)

Beth said...

LOL at Peggy's exhole comment!

And jelly beans rock. Even the black ones.

Captain Dumbass said...

Big boobs and chicken wings, I so heart you.

Shangrila said...

Nooooo! You must continue to blog! At least until I quit. We'll stop together, our version of a bloggy death pact, okay?

I suggest doing 300 irritating things to your ex to make up for how he shafted you. You broke that guitar once, so I know you have it in you-lol!

Go you and your Hilary Swankin' self! You're too cool for that weird class, anyway!

My little girl will be 12 in two short years. Stop scaring me!

Nightowl Mama said...

12 yr old girls are scary and they start getting that way at 8 yr old. NICE blog.

Lora said...

found you through a friend's blog and I'm loving the random thoughts!

Chris said...

I have the wave master II bag and it also resides in my basement. Partially because it's always the naturally coldest place in the house but mostly because it's the only floor on a concrete slab. I originally put it in our upstairs but the kicks would rock it back and forth, shaking the main floor ceiling.

Have fun with that back....crank up the tunes and blast away!