Monday, March 16, 2009

The Game of Life

The fact that I may or may not come across as crazy to you people is something I struggle with on a day to day basis. The simple fact of the matter is I will never meet most of you face to face. Peoria, IL where I am at, has a wonderful group of local bloggers that I was really fortunate to stumble across when I first started this whole "blogtastic adventure" The fact that the community of bloggers in my local area is so great and so talented and so close nit and the fact that I am just at the cusp of starting to meet some of them and hang out with them and hopefully form friendships with them was pretty scary considering some of the topics I have posted about on here. I tell someone from California or Canada the fact that I love John Denver well yeah so what, but when I know that people who I will most likely meet are reading it as well, or people that I have already met are reading it well quite honestly that scares the shit out of me.

My point of this and I do have one, is that I don't mind coming off as little off balanced to my cyber peeps. When it comes to people I love, well yeah not so much. I strive to be as close to perfect as I can be for the people around me. I wouldn't call myself a people pleaser, but I like to make the people I love happy. I don't want to let anyone down or disappoint them in anyway. I am sure all good things, except when all that pleasing and acting a certain way and trying to be something interferes with life and the quality of said life. When it means sacrificng a part of who you are by nurture or nature or luck of the draw who you are to be what you think that person wants, well that's when it can become a problem. And that sucks. It sucks big time. I don't really know how to change it either.

I get so incredibly scared of losing the people I love.  I have lost so much in the past that sometimes I overcompensate in that department. I either try way too hard for that person to love me or else I am the extreme opposite where I do anything at all to make the other person come to hate me (which to be honest the later is much more easy) The part of me that wants to believe that love will conquer all knows full well that it doesn't always do that. That sometimes despite our best efforts love will fail us and love will lose the battle and the war. The paralyzing thoughts about if loving anyone is worth it because that love might someday cease to exist and then what? What is our purpose? I have alot of issues. I have alot of guilt and alot of shame and trust issues. I need to have perfection at times when I know that all I am capable of is mediocrity.

Relationships since my ex husband have run the gamete of being incredibly easy and fun and carefree not caring if there was a future, or a past even, just living in that moment. To being so in love with someone that I don't want to go any further because you know that it will hurt so badly if and when it ends. The whole reason why I went from one man to the next,the whole reason why I never wanted to have children, the whole reason why I never wanted to get another pet even, is that risk of loss. The risk of loss is so great that I just didn't want to even try and love at times. I have missed several opportunities in my life because of that fear. Some when they have begun have ended by my own choosing and some others were forced to end because of that very reason. I think I may be at risk of losing the one person I love more than any other (non related) human being. The fact that I can get a little crazy, I can get a little scared and start to push and run and reason in my head all the ugly reasons why it will fail instead of see all the beautiful reasons why it could and should succeed is hurting us and it is a painful reminder of what I am not.

As I get older as my kids get older I am beginning to realize that I am in charge of this sculpture, this painting, this play, this game called life or whatever other metaphor (or is it analogy?)you wanna give it, I am in charge of creating the life I want to lead for the next 40 years or so, the universe willing, and I am wasting a lot of it by imagination and fear. I don't want to fuck this up. I don't want to do something or say something out of fear and anger like in the past that will show a side to me that I may be willing to show to my cyber people but am terrified to show to the one I love more than anything.

I need some clarity.

To love is to risk loss.As the great CS Lewis wrote. The loss by abandonment or death or distance. The choice I need to make is if I am willing to make that risk...

35 comments:

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

If you're reading CS Lewis, you cannot go wrong. And I am not a god-squader. I am not a Bible-thumper.

The best blogging advice I ever read, and GD it now, where did I see it (maybe a mormon blog)? was: pretend you are reading your post in front of a live audience consisting of the entire world, and the subject of your post is sitting in the front row.

Okay. Let me now backtrack. The best advice my mother ever gave me was not to give unsolicited advice. Forgive me for breaking it?

Sarah, you're doing great.

XOXO

Kurt said...

The words I live by : "It's just the internet." I was where you are once. My personal life and blogging life were completely divided. Now I have many readers who have known me since I was a kid. It's kind of comforting to me to know that what I write is being held in check by the fact I will have to come face-to-face with my audience. But it IS only the internet.

Michelle said...

Sarah, WOW!!

This is really one of the best blog posts I've read in a long time!! Every word of it is spot on!!

I kinda needed to read this today, right now!!

So, thank you! Your terrific!

Secret Server said...

Yes, you basically summed it up, I don't know what else to say. Go forth and love. (And I can't speak for the whole local blog community, but I think many of us have some crazy, we just reveal it to different degrees.)

Steve said...

You'll figure out what you need to do about the boyfriend. If you fuck it up you fuck it up. Live and learn my love. It will all be okay time will tell you what you need to do!

Peggy said...

“In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.”

I'm fond of quoting Beatles lyrics! I'll be danmed if there isn't one out there for every situation! :)

William H. Balzac said...

Jeepers!
You've just entered the realm of favorites...

...My list is growing, Sarah.
This post hit me just right.

No regrets: Just live your life.

Excellent.

`x~William.

Vic said...

I think the people we know are inclined to forgive us our weaknesses more than we give them credit for. I tend to want to make the people in my life "happy" to the extent that I could give up parts of myself - it sounds like you do that too sometimes.
This was a vulnerable post - thank you for trusting us with it. :)

Todd said...

I think Vic is right, whatever crazy you show him I am inclined to think he will love you despite it all. Chin up!

CaJoh said...

Don't worry about being unbalanced. You have to realize that everybody is trying to balance their lives and that you do what you can to maintain that balance.

I have the unusual situation in that I want to come across to people as honestly and openly as I feel that I am. I just hope that people see me through my writing as how I see myself.

Chris said...

You aren't crazy. You are just wrestling with the things that we all do. Or I think we all do. Crap....maybe it's just you and me that think this way;)

Seriously, very good post. I've been there.

Jennifer said...

Sarah,
Great post!
Don't worry about letting the craziness show. Everyone has issues. I think it's more harmful when people write blog posts as if their life is perfect, it leaves everyone else feeling like "okay, am I the only one who's fucked up?"
Jennifer

Captain Dumbass said...

This was a fantastic post. Honestly. I think we may suffer from the same kind of crazy.

Debbie said...

Wow Sarah. You caught me off guard with the depth of this one. I think loving and trusting have to go hand in hand. We have to trust the ones we love to not hurt us.

Tiffi33 said...

Life is about loss, really.
its also about change. and I am not a huge of change. it is a struggle.
BUT..living life w/o risk, playing it safe, is never a real way to live.

and NORMAL is just a setting on the dryer..lol..
we are ALL unbalanced in one way or another. believe me. I have bouts w/ mental issues(DX major depression..sucky..)
BUT, I believe it makes me ME and screw whoever doesn't like it.

Just take a deep breath and JUMP. Things will go how they are supposed to

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I tend to get attached to everyone who comes my way in life ... no matter how they came my way. And yes, many times it ends in hurt and loss. It's who I am though and I can't change that.

Robin said...

I can identify with a lot of this. I used to hate it when people said that close attachments were worth the risk. The pain of loss was so horrendous, I would curse those words and insist they weren't true. But in a blind moment of clarity, I know that they are. As flip as that sounds. Balance is indeed the key.
Brave post, girl!

blueviolet said...

I love your honesty and how you stay true to yourself. I actually find it easier to be honest on my blog than in real life. It seems less judgmental for some reason. Whether that's true or not, I have no idea. It's just easier to talk to strangers, isn't it?

Casey said...

I spent a lot of my life feeling the same way, burned too many times and afraid to open up. For me, it got better and now I'm completely happy. Hopefully you can work through the insecurities and get to the same place.

BTW, where are my random thoughts? ;)

HeatherPride said...

It is hard to keep yourself in check in the blog realm, thinking and wondering what would happen if someone saw a certain post. I have thought about deleting a few of mine, but my blog is my outlook, my journal, my story. Screw other people who don't like it.

Mandy's Kidding said...

I'll chime in and say I totally believe in the "love as if you're never going to get hurt" crowd. I say that same philosophy applies to good writing: "Write as though no one is ever going to read it except you."

I mean, if you edit, if you hold back ... you will suck.

That's why there are so many blogs out there that people don't read. We all want to read something real and something raw. In fact, we want to love something real and raw, so be both.

Like you just did in this blog.

The end.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Beautifully put. And I can totally relate to this because, as you know, my blog material can be rather, um, well let's just say "provocative" and I worry about the real people in my life thinking less of me. I AM a huge people pleaser and have always cared way too much what people think of me. I am just now starting to let go of that a little and learn that the people who love me love me the way I am, warts and all. Same goes for you. And you are awesome, by the way.

Beth said...

There are many, many songs and poems about this risk of loss. As for me, I'd rather love and love deeply and lose than never love at all.

Poignant post.

Vodka Mom said...

that was fantastic.

and yes, aren't we all a little bit crazy? That's because we are HUMAN. jesus. \xoxox

Midlife Jobhunter said...

"I am beginning to realize that I am in charge of this sculpture, this painting, this play this game called life or whatever other metaphor (or is it analogy?)you wanna give it, I am in charge of creating the life I want to lead for the next 40 years or so, the universe willing and I am wasting alot of it by imagination and fear."

Yes, fear messes with us much too much. Just put your head down and go girl. That you questions, says you have the guts.

Glamour Girl said...

I'm back! Haven't been able to access you. I downloaded Mozilla and can get you again. I'VE MISSED YOUR BLOG. It has been weeks since I could get to you!

blueviolet said...

I know you're on a bloggy break and everything but I just wanted to let you know that I still think about you, hope you're doing well, miss you, and care about you. Hugs!

FoN said...

It's the crazy that people love, even 'real' people instead of us 'internet' people.

Let your freak flag fly sista!

Peggy said...

Sarah....we miss you! Come back soon m'kay??
xoxo
Peggy

Fragrant Liar said...

Wow, sweetie. That was deep, and I could so feel you. I can only say what has worked for me, though. Which is to say that over the years I have learned to accept myself as the wonderful human being I am (oh yes, I am), and not to worry about what other people think. Easier said than done, but you really have to be true to yourself when it's all said and done. What we say in blogs will always be up for debate in some circles or at some time or other, but it's not something I choose to worry about, and really, it is a choice, to worry. And to be worry-free as well. I decided to relax and have some fun with my blog, otherwise, for me at least, what would be the point. Anyway, I really enjoy your blog and the comments you leave on mine, and I can appreciate your fears. They're important to you, but you can rob them of their power too. That's another choice you can make.

I hope I didn't ramble on like a lunatic and that I made some sense.

Best,
KJ

Captain Dumbass said...

Hello!

*hello*

*hello*

*hello*

Echo

LiLu said...

"The fact that I may or may not come across as crazy to you people is something I struggle with on a day to day basis."

I stopped worrying about that a long time ago... I KNOW I do. But it seems to work ;-)

diane said...

Living life in fear is not living. Go for it. You can always look back and say "man, I really shouldn't have done that". It sure beats wondering what it would have been like and never knowing. xo

word ver. - holvworm - are you f*cking kidding me?

new word ver. - mandeswa - much better.

kyooty said...

"hell I would settle for people just coming over here cause they need something to do while they are waiting for their oil to get changed"

If they are doing that, you've got Followers! :)

a's anonymous said...

very well put.

-aa