Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Random Word Generator

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the Random horror! Seriously I do not just want to write
random things and post music videos for the rest of my blogging career do I? I read other bloggers and their tales of Grilled cheese Men and library books , interesting things like lawn Flamingos and scary clowns you know good shit like those guys. I have a bit of blogger envy at the moment since all I got is how I think I may be lactose intolerant and that would suck cause I love love love me some Lite Cool Whip, it tastes just like, well almost kind of, if you close your eyes and pretend, like vanilla ice cream and it only has 20 calories for every two tablespoons, which I know adds up when you sit there and eat the whole container but hell better than a whole container of ice cream.

I am tired I mean like I feel like I got hit by a Mac truck tired. I went to sleep last night at 10 PM which is probably normal civilized world bed time for most people but for me I am a night owl so to go to bed before midnight is like admitting that I am old. That I might miss something fun if I go to bed early, just like when I was a kid. I went to bed early and I am still tired this morning. If I was throwing up my Cheerios I may be worried I was pregnant but so far so good so lets just count that as a blessing.

I have been working out on this thing called the elliptical cross trainer at the gym, its like an elliptical machine but you kind of walk up instead of out. I love it, it is alot easier on my knees than running and lots of other good shit my brain cant wrap around the right words at the moment. So last night as I am falling asleep my brain goes to me on the elliptical machine and apparently in dream land I am a klutz cause I fell off it and did that whole seizure like jerking thing you do when you are between sleep and wake land. yeah good thing I was by myself cause I was even a little bit scared. .

This past weekend between my two daughters and my oldest son I had 5 birthday parties to go to! Which is just a pain. I have noticed this trend in my son's preschool lately with the birthday parties. On the invitation it says where the
party will be and what time and then at the bottom it says "Little Johnny has decided that in lieu of presents this year he would like his guests to make a donation to (insert charity of choice here) in his name" What the fuck? Little Johnny is 4 years old! What the hell kind of four year old says he doesn't want presents for his birthday?? I don't think its fair really. You know it was Johnny's pretentious snotty Mom who wanted people to think that they are better than you because they are teaching their son the meaning of the word compassion. Well good for them, but I bet you a million dollars the conversation went something like this :

Pretentious Mother: Little Johnny , how about this year instead of your little friends getting you presents we have them donate some money to the fire station instead?

Little Johnny: Hell no Mom you said I could have a Wii and a razor scooter and a hooker when I turned 4!!!

PM: Oh well don't worry Johnny your Daddy and I decided that we will still get you every single thing you wanted but we need to pretend that we care about other people so we need to make people think we donate some of our money to charity, so play along okay for mumsie??

Yeah I know I am sure that is not at all how it happens I am sure that my son would gladly give up his transformers to the local VW Hall so that their next singles mixers could have some punch.

Sorry I am bitchy when I am tired.

Koolaid is like wet flour when your two year old son spread it all over the back room and you are trying to clean it up for about 10 days and everything you touch keeps turning red. Do you think it is illegal to put him in a cage till he turns about 5 or 6? Yeah I thought so...

I got my first hate comment the other day. As previously mentioned I had the great honor to be featured over at Blogtations a site where they take nominated quotes from different blogs and post them on their site. Well GreenJello nominated one of my quotes from another one of my Random Tuesday posts it said this, "I have found the equivalent to legal crack, black tea... etc etc etc. Well I got a comment on their that said this: (now realize I can write this now and laugh but it almost made me cry when I read it the first time. Yeah yeah shut up I am a tad sensitive in my real life)

"You: I have found the equivalent to legal crack"

" Me: Fuck you, you offense piece of shit"

Now damn I can't figure out why people would get pissed at that?? I was talking
about black tea. I mean the only thing I can think of is that I pissed off the local crack dealer who lost some business to Lipton's when they read my post and thought "Black tea? Really? Like crack? I think I'll go check that out instead! Sorry Cockroach I don't need any crack today gonna go over to Krogers and get me some black tea. Yeah I read about on Sarah's blog." I mean that is how it happened in my head anyway. Someone suggested that maybe it was someone who was affected by crack? Whitney Houston perhaps? That would be cool if Whitney Houston read my blog! I called my four year old BOBBY all the time when he was little cause their reality show was on at the time and I am slightly demented.

Is it just me or do other people who watch House on a regular basis check to make sure there isn't any blood whenever they cough? Seriously that show is turning me more into a hypochondriac then I already was. Everyone starts out with coughing
blood then its all downhill from there unless you have House and his team. They always think its something easy like MS or cancer but then it turns out to be tapeworms or pretend pregnancies. I love that show. Hugh Laurie could take care of me anytime.

I have this problem (well one of many) that when someone says something a word or a phrase I immediately think of a song that has those words in it. Its slightly annoying to anyone who doesn't know me and only slightly less annoying to my friends who are forced to play along. Here is the conversation I had with my neighbor the other day.

Neighbor: Hey Sarah!

Me: Hey J! How are you?

Neighbor: Great! I just got back from the doctor.

Me: Oh yeah? Did he give you the news?

Neighbor: What? I mean yeah I guess. I have anemia.

Me: Does he have a bad case of loving you?

Neighbor: Well my doctor is a girl so I don' think she loves me, maybe as a patient but no...Do you think she loves me? Why what did you hear?

Me:I just heard that no pill will give her the cure.

Neighbor: slowly backing into the house and shutting the blinds realizing suddenly what I am doing.Possibly considering putting her house for sale but after realizing the failing economy decides to stick it out another year.

Me: Laughing like the dork that I am. I know I am sure you are all feeling sorry for me and my general lack of entertainment in my life that I have to stoop to acting like the village idiot, but you should try it sometime, its like crack (oh wait sorry angry commenter, I mean like sugar free gum)

I am in the car the other day telling my 3 oldest that they need to pick something to be in this Summer like soccer or softball, or dance lessons so I can sign them up for it before the classes fill up.

My 7 year old Lily says:

Lily: Mom I want to take aerobics class!

Me: Lily I don't think they make an aerobics class for 7 year olds.

Lily: Well can't you just tell them I am 8??

Me: Yeah Lily you only want to lie about your age being older than it really is ONLY until you're 21 then you can tell people you're younger. (Yeah I'm definitely gonna win Mom of the Year for that little life lesson)

Lily: OK Mom well then can I take cheer leading lessons.

Me: (Throwing up a tiny bit in my mouth) Sure honey whatever you want.

At the gym this weekend I saw a local news anchor. He stopped me at the water fountain and asked me if I was Sarah Superstar. Why yes I am Sarah Superstar I replied. He actually knew my Dad who is a somewhat semi known personality around Peoria. After he introduced himself and I told him I was a fan I did what I normally do when meeting someone that I have never met before...make an ass out of myself. I couldn't just have shook his hand and went on my merry way could I? Hell no what fun would that be?! I had to go and make a half hearted attempt at being funny. I said to him and I quote" Man you look taller in person" You see he sits at the news desk every night and I was you see trying to make the joke that he is taller in real life....yeah I think I scared him too. Lesson learned.

My second book club was Sunday night and let me just say it is soo much fun to just be around women. Intelligent funny women. I am by nature not a fan of hanging out
with women. I don't know what it is about me but women don't ever seem to like me, right away anyway. You know those girls at the gym or at school who are strangers before class and best friends an hour later?? Yeah not me. Never was me. Never will be me. I am content with my group of friends and never felt the need to be for lack of a better word overly "friendly" to strangers. These women though are genuine and I feel like I can talk and hang out with them and I feel comfortable with them, not like I am trying to be something I'm not. Which was the song I sang while I was with a pretty high powered man who had a lot of snooty high powered friends and I hated the thought that I was constantly being judged by what brand name my jeans were. These woman are successful and sane and normal and I totally heart them all because of that.

End ass kissing now.

Well that's all for the randomness this week. I have another 6 or 7 birthday parties this weekend and tonight is take out Chinese food with Eric and BIG LOVE!!!! I am only slightly more excited to see Eric than I am to watch that show, which we'll just keep our little secret k? Thanks! How could my life get any better???

Random Tuesday Thoughts is brought to you by Keely over at zthe Un Mom. Go check her out and all the other people that have joined this random cult I mean cool gang of bloggers.

Happy Tuesday!


Peggy said...

I have yet to encounter the charity birthday party yet...that's funny!

You had quite a few random thoughts today...I am ashamed of my own now...thankyouverymuch. I just didn't have it in me this morning...nor will I have it in me for the rest of the day! Good Job!

Cameron said...

Hey, you know you've made it when people start hatin on ya. I have yet to achieve this status, but I'm hoping any day now!!

Katie said...

When we lived in Morton, we encountered quite a bit of the 'charity' birthday parties. It made me want to throw up a little...then roll my eyes.
Your dad is semi-well know? I'm intrigued. You'll have to tell me sometime.
I am so sorry I missed book club. I wish I could have been there. I am so happy to hear that you like every one so much. It is a really fun group of women and I look forward to every meeting even if I don't read the book!
And the song thing...I totally do that in my head. If I know the person will follow along right away, I may say it aloud. But not very often since it shows my brand of crazy to some one that I may not be ready to let see my crazy yet. :)

Vic said...

Sarah Superstar!!
First of all, thank you for your kind words and linkage!!(where do I send the check?)

No one, and I mean no one, does random the way you do. I laughed the whole way through this, from the birthday party schedule from hell(NO WONDER you are tired), to the jello, to Whitney (??? Whatever crackhead left that comment needs to leave you alone or I will sic the aliens on them!!) to the song lyrics. (I do that too.)
I heart you.

Robin said...

Remember, crack is wack!
(I saw your pic of Whitney. It's just too easy.)
Love your randomness. LOVE IT! Eff the h8trs. Heh!
Happy Random Tuesday!

Julie@Cool Mom Guide said...


My recipe for the greatest pie you'll ever taste made with the Whip and FF chocolate pudding. I want to make love to it.

HeatherPride said...

You got your first troll! Congrats! I got one when I did the last Facebook post. I kind of ripped on my home town a little bit and one of my old homies got snotty with me in the comments. Whatever. It's not like it's required reading, huh? Don't like it? Don't come back!

lisa24n7 said...

great blog! love your writing style!

Beth said...

Ummmm.... has anyone ever suggested Ritalin for you?

You've got the most hilarious random thoughts going on. Thanks for the peek inside your head.

Oh, and sorry about mean people. Here in blogland, everyone seems so nice. It is at work that I hear the insults.

Chris said...

Funny stuff!

I suspect that this "elliptical cross trainer" that you speak of is actually a piece of interrogation equipment that was banned from use at Gitmo.

Your dialogue sections were hilarious.

Keely said...

At least Lily didn't ask to attend a STRIP aerobics class. Since they make thong underwear for 7 year olds now.

I've never heard of the charity birthday party, though some friends of mine did the "charity christmas". Then they had to amend it to reassure everybody that YES, their kids WERE getting presents for Christmas, please don't worry. Which sort of ruined the effect.

Ginny Marie said...

Wow...randomness! I don't even know what to comment on first! Love the "conversation" between pretentious mommy and little Johnny. I'm sure that's exactly how it went! :)
Great post!

skywind said...

It could be seen that you are very pessimistic, Living under immense pressure. Therefore, it should be possible to relieve the pressure. Do not forced themselves too tight.


Diane said...

your tuesday posts hurt my brain!! lol you got a lot going on!

what's this about the hate comment? who's ass am i kickin'?

i love your convo with the neighbor. i want to be your neighbor. i'd have just played along. :) two village idiots! there goes the neighborhood!

Secret Server said...

After I read your random thoughts, I just feel dumbfounded, and giddy with laughter, but my brain is too full to know what to comment about. But I'm so glad you like book club, and I think I speak for all of us, we are glad YOU like US.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I had a random hate comment once. I did not see it until the end of the day beause I don't have the kind of job where you can check your blog at work (social network sites are banned). When I saw it that afternoon, my readers below gave teh commenter a piece of their minds ; -))

Miss Yvonne said...

There is a special place in hell for mommies that tell people not to give their 4 year olds gifts on their birthdays.

Poor Little Johnny!

Shawna said...

I also think of songs that have something to do with the conversation. At home we just go ahead and sing the song, at least the words we know. In public it takes every ounce of self-control I have to not break into song. The first time I sing part of the conversation, my friends know they have truly entered my inner circle!

Mama Dawg said...

all I saw was chinese food. cause I'm hungry.

Actually, I read the whole thing. I adore random posts.

Casey said...

I actually thought about pulling that charity stunt for my son's second birthday (which is five days before Xmas. FIVE!) since I didn't want more crap in our over-toy-stocked house. I came to my senses when I realized that it wasn't fair to do that to the kid.
Also, what kid doesn't want a hooker for his fourth bday. You crack me up and I like the angry you.

D at seafoodpunch said...

I'm just glad it's wednesday right now. Let me just say, that I've accidentally offended a few people who don't get jokes or sarcasm. The one about obesity was definitely a doosy, but you cant please everyone, right?

One of the main reasons i didnt get into blogging was because I knew it would expose me to hurtful commments. but oh well. I'll get over it.

Quick question: do you live in sacramento?? i just saw it over there on the left. I've been trying to move out of here for like 6 years...and now that i'm losing my job...i wil be! yaay, for unemployment!!

I think i shall join a bookclub too. that sounds like a wonderful way to meet other people.

LazyKing said...

haha i like this posts. A little long but still great

Debbie said...

You guys need to just say no to some birthday parties! Seriously. I hate to point it out to you but they may be making you a little loopy:)

blueviolet said...

You define random. You rock.

I'm totally positive you're right about the birthday party conversation and you can't buy a donation at the dollar store so that sucks.

KayFour said...

Expert randomness!

And a million thanks for the link! Love ya, Girl!

Kurt said...

I watch "House" and all I start to worry about is Necrotizing Fasciitis because it seems like every couple episodes someone gets it and then I'm all "Flesh-Eating Disease!!" and my friends will be like "You can't get it from licking a butter knife at your own house!" And then I'll be all "Oh."

Thanks for the pimpage, by the way!

FoN said...

Be honoured you got your first hate comment - I can hardly wait! Funny 'tho, 'cause giving props to tea doesn't really seem that offensive.

I do the song quote thing too! Accept I break right out in song in the the middle of people talking. I can't help it.

Margo said...

I can't tell you how thrilled I was on that first weekend when we didn't have a birthday party to go to anymore with the parents' involvement. That charity birthday party thing is big right now...Kids and their beaming parents show up in the local paper all the time. Glad to have missed that!
Love the randomness!

By the way, You've been tagged! Check my post today for the info.

Jennifer said...

Oh, I am lactose intolerant, too! And the good news? Cool Whip is non-dairy, so you shouldn't have an issue with it. The bad news, yes, you will likely have a problem with pizza...
(And, as a book club member, I'm so glad that you joined and that you came not just once, but a second time! I was worried we might have scared you off.)

Captain Dumbass said...

What if you mixed crack AND Liptons? Huh? Huh? I may be onto something here. Or maybe I should stop watching Weeds.

MeadowLark said...

How's this for random.

I went to a completely not-like-anything-else-I-visit blog, read a story, went to the owner's site (diamond carnivore) went to someone else's from there (The Monster Apathy) and who should I see listed in his blogroll? Yup, little ole YOU!

I'm always surprised at what a small world we live in.

Vodka Mom said...

i am still laughing at the say no to crack.


The Clever Pup said...

Hi there, thanks for visiting and following my site.

Congratulations on being so sucessful. Your're very funny. Hugh Laurie's my boyfriend - Hands Off! (Wink)

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

This post was freaking hilarious. You had me laughing at every turn!

Venom said...

Crack tea... heh heh heh

Thanks for stopping by Venom, Secrets, & Lies Sarah!

Twenty Four At Heart said...

We now get charity xmas postcards telling us they'd send us a real card instead of a postcard, but instead they're donating the difference in cost to a charity.


The Me/ The Wife/ The Mom said...

Your stream of consciousness blogging style ROCKS! You crack me up!