Monday, March 16, 2009

The Game of Life

The fact that I may or may not come across as crazy to you people is something I struggle with on a day to day basis. The simple fact of the matter is I will never meet most of you face to face. Peoria, IL where I am at, has a wonderful group of local bloggers that I was really fortunate to stumble across when I first started this whole "blogtastic adventure" The fact that the community of bloggers in my local area is so great and so talented and so close nit and the fact that I am just at the cusp of starting to meet some of them and hang out with them and hopefully form friendships with them was pretty scary considering some of the topics I have posted about on here. I tell someone from California or Canada the fact that I love John Denver well yeah so what, but when I know that people who I will most likely meet are reading it as well, or people that I have already met are reading it well quite honestly that scares the shit out of me.

My point of this and I do have one, is that I don't mind coming off as little off balanced to my cyber peeps. When it comes to people I love, well yeah not so much. I strive to be as close to perfect as I can be for the people around me. I wouldn't call myself a people pleaser, but I like to make the people I love happy. I don't want to let anyone down or disappoint them in anyway. I am sure all good things, except when all that pleasing and acting a certain way and trying to be something interferes with life and the quality of said life. When it means sacrificng a part of who you are by nurture or nature or luck of the draw who you are to be what you think that person wants, well that's when it can become a problem. And that sucks. It sucks big time. I don't really know how to change it either.

I get so incredibly scared of losing the people I love.  I have lost so much in the past that sometimes I overcompensate in that department. I either try way too hard for that person to love me or else I am the extreme opposite where I do anything at all to make the other person come to hate me (which to be honest the later is much more easy) The part of me that wants to believe that love will conquer all knows full well that it doesn't always do that. That sometimes despite our best efforts love will fail us and love will lose the battle and the war. The paralyzing thoughts about if loving anyone is worth it because that love might someday cease to exist and then what? What is our purpose? I have alot of issues. I have alot of guilt and alot of shame and trust issues. I need to have perfection at times when I know that all I am capable of is mediocrity.

Relationships since my ex husband have run the gamete of being incredibly easy and fun and carefree not caring if there was a future, or a past even, just living in that moment. To being so in love with someone that I don't want to go any further because you know that it will hurt so badly if and when it ends. The whole reason why I went from one man to the next,the whole reason why I never wanted to have children, the whole reason why I never wanted to get another pet even, is that risk of loss. The risk of loss is so great that I just didn't want to even try and love at times. I have missed several opportunities in my life because of that fear. Some when they have begun have ended by my own choosing and some others were forced to end because of that very reason. I think I may be at risk of losing the one person I love more than any other (non related) human being. The fact that I can get a little crazy, I can get a little scared and start to push and run and reason in my head all the ugly reasons why it will fail instead of see all the beautiful reasons why it could and should succeed is hurting us and it is a painful reminder of what I am not.

As I get older as my kids get older I am beginning to realize that I am in charge of this sculpture, this painting, this play, this game called life or whatever other metaphor (or is it analogy?)you wanna give it, I am in charge of creating the life I want to lead for the next 40 years or so, the universe willing, and I am wasting a lot of it by imagination and fear. I don't want to fuck this up. I don't want to do something or say something out of fear and anger like in the past that will show a side to me that I may be willing to show to my cyber people but am terrified to show to the one I love more than anything.

I need some clarity.

To love is to risk loss.As the great CS Lewis wrote. The loss by abandonment or death or distance. The choice I need to make is if I am willing to make that risk...

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Random Thoughts Tuesday-Gettin Nothin But Static From Channel Z*

Oh yeah its Tuesday again. Does the fact that Tuesdays keep coming around so quickly scare the shit out of anyone else but me?

Its been kind of a busy week in my house. Spring is kind of springing which means that everything I was putting off doing because it was cold out is slowly becoming a reality and I am running out of procrastination tools. My kids put a hole through my screen in one of my backroom windows during their fascination with the "guy in the forest". Serves me right for being proud that my kids had active imaginations or thinking that they were just plain little liar liar pants on fires. Their screams of "Mommy there is a man in our forest !!" Were met with my laughter. Ahh the beauty of children. My homeless man is but a memory, but the hole remains. I think I read that exact line on a fortune cookie one time.

I would now like to pay tribute to my new favorite girl crush Vic over What Were You Thinking? and her love hate relationship with flamingos. If you haven't been over to read her do it now. (Well after you finish this and make a wonderfully witty comment) Her blog is what my blog wants to be like when it grows up. Even though my blog is kind of a punk ass blog that goes to the Alternative High School and just got busted for smoking a joint behind the bleachers when it should have been in remedial Math so I don't hold much hope. But a blog can dream....
So here you go Vic, Flamingo Baby by the great Violent Femmes ( I couldn't find the video but the song is almost amazing) .

You're a flamingo
You stand on one leg
You're a flamingo baby
You hatched from an egg
Well you hold your foot up
So delicately over the sea
And when it comes down
It comes down on me
Well it used to want to hump you
I used to want to rock and roll
I was attracted to your gracefulness
But your surprise sure took it's toll
Now I guess I'd better go out now
Gonna try to find something new
And all I'm left with is this craving
For some flamingo stew
Now the beauty is in the gutter
The loveliness is off her throne
In the eyes of the beholder it's gone
And now he feels kind of alone
But this feeling it is the kind that will shortly pass
I'm gonna find myself another bird
And roll on down the grass

I have made up a new drinking game for when I am watching Big Love with my boyfriend.The rules are: I do a shot every time he asks me one of these questions:

"Do you think you will ever let me have two wives?


"So when you are at the gym soaping the other girls up in the shower, will you take pictures?"


"Why do all his wives have to have different houses? Why can't they all just share the same bed?"
Seriously, questions I hear every week. I don't get the fascination. Really? I mean I get the fascination with having sex with more than just one person, but more than one wife? I guess if your whole eternal position in the heavens depends upon it maybe but it just sounds like a big headache to me. So I am gonna get my fifth of Vodka and gear up tonight to get smashed. Maybe I will be more willing to agree to the threesome/naked soapy pictures/plural wives with some rum in me, but I doubt it.
Boobs too? What the hell? They are pieces of fat on my chest. Why why why the need to be touching them all the time? Men have nipples, men have pockets of fat on their chests ( some more than others) I mean why not play with your own? You don't see me
going around touching your penis all day now do you? ( I just laughed that I wrote penis. I think I really am a 12 year old boy at heart). I know the boob issue is a stupid age old question that I will no doubt get some emails with cyber dirty "duh" looks from the men. But that's the price I will have to pay to voice my concern. I am a citizen blogger after all. ( I really have no idea what that means except that I really don't have a whole lot to say this week so this whole post is a big stretch)

My son just came in my office and told me that he knows what hello is in Spanish and then saluted at me? He's gonna go far that one.

My two year old can't really talk yet, and his overzealous 6 year old sister is constantly trying to interpret his grunts and Japanese/Swahili sounding sounds.
This morning Nathan held his finger up to Sophie and says "bwhahtiff"
Sophie says "Oh Nathan you have a hangnail?"
He just stopped his babbling and looks at her and says:
"No! Where the fuck did you get that from? From me holding up my finger to your face? No I want a freakin cookie, when I hold up my finger and say bwhahtiff it means I want a god damn cookie!"
No he really didn't say that but that sure as hell would have been funnier than him screaming No at the top of his lungs now wouldn't it?

The idiot that ran into the ractrack Sunday to catch the runaway tire, made me think back to when my ex husband and I who was just my boyfriend at the time were moving across country to Seattle when somewhere in the middle of Montana I hear him say "Oh shit hold on" Not words you really wanna hear when you are just getting into your John Grisham book. I look up and out the side mirror only to see our tire bouncing down the interstate, never to be found. Yeah you know those turning points in relationships, the ones everyone should go through to see if you and your mate are compatible? Like taking a trip together? Or living together? Or losing a tire on the interstate together? Yeah well we failed all three. But yet we still got married and reproduced. ( I'm not claiming to be a wise man, thank god) On the plus side we got to spend three days in Bozeman Montana (God's country, which I think is on their license plates somewhere ,and where it is mandatory to say "Ahh Montana that's God's country there" at least once a day in that town)where there is no sales tax. That's me alright always seeing the glass half full I tell ya.

My house has been overrun with Girl Scout cookies. I was doing so well on my diet too and then those damn Thin Mints call to me at night. So if anyone would like some cookies just email me your address I will send you some. I promise I won't stalk you and camp out in your kid's playhouse. Cross my heart.
*The song in my title is Channel Z by the B52s. I am somewhat obsessed with their
music as of late and I have discovered that I can run a mile in the span of two Love Shack songs. Who would have thought that would have inspired me to run a 9 minute mile? So if you see me commenting on your page with B52s lyrics, well you're welcome.
This weeks Random Tuesdays Thoughts, well actually every Tuesday Random Thoughts has been brought to you by Keely over at The Un Mom another blogger I wish I had more time in the day to read more regularly. I need some blog fiber.

Happy Tuesday!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Wordless Wednesday

I am so proud.

I actually don't think that's his middle finger in the picture. It was either that or admitting that my son is a big fat nose picker. I choose to believe he was telling me to fuck off. I think the black and white tint gives it a nice artsy touch. Like he's telling me to fuck off in a French accent.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Random Tuesday Thoughts

Random Tuesday Thoughts again. Is it just me, or am I just random? I am starting to rethink my reasoning for blogging in the first place and am considering taking up knitting or scrap booking, synchronized swimming perhaps.

I have about 15 different ideas of semi intelligent thoughts in my head but when I go to try and make a blog post about them it all comes out like this: blah blah blah blah I'm a little teacup short and stout here is my handle here is my spout blah blah blah. Seriously why can't I form a coherent post lately? Or ever? but lately I just haven't had my blogging mojo in tune. I think Stella took my groove and she isn't giving it back. I need my groove Stella. Damnit don't make me raise my voice.

I have discovered the most wonderful combination of two things ever! Dare I say the best thing since peanut butter and celery, apples and Martinis, woman with big
boobs and Chicken wings, yes it is that good! It is brilliant and I almost don't want to share my new found explosion of deliciousness with the world, but because I am just that nice and have nothing else to write about I will share. You will need a bag of jelly beans, not those spicy ones or jelly belly freaky tasting ones. The normal Easter is here jelly beans. Now we all know how much the purple and the red jelly beans rock right? Of course you do. Black licorice ones are only for when you're desperate for a sugar fix and the lemon ones are only for when you want to remember back to when you were 17 and got drunk on frozen lemonade and vodka, and the orange ones are good for bribing 2 year olds to go pee pee on the potty (seriously since becoming a parent I can't even remember the grown up word for potty. You can all feel sorry for me its okay). But what do you do with the rest of the flavors? I have found the perfect combination of jelly beans....ready? The pink ones and the green ones together in my mouth is pure happiness. Green and pink by themselves? Disgustingness. Together, lovely. Try it. You will thank me I guarantee it. You are so welcome.

Is it just me or did that paragraph sound like it was written by a 12 year old? No offense to the 12 year olds out there reading this who I am sure can write more
entertaining drivel then this. I had a comment on my last post about how I sounded pessimistic so I don't want to disappoint. Since I already pissed off the crack dealers I don't want to irritate the already irritated.

While spending an exciting Friday night at home this past weekend channel surfing and eating jelly beans I stumbled across the Animal Planet's show called Jockeys. Has anyone seen this television masterpiece? It is so exciting and it is really making me wish I was 9 inches shorter and about 70 pounds lighter and wasn't deathly afraid of horses. Or just that I really wanted to throw some of my money away on horses named Jockey Itch or Harry Trotter. I can't decide? I always thought of horse racing as seedy and shady and all the other words associated with gambling, but this show profiles the jockeys (they were pretty smart with the title) and how they are pretty much all multi million dollar athletes. Except if you don't win a race then you get paid in horse feed. This show is almost as good as The Mole Hunter.

I wish I was British and could go around sounding cool with my British accent saying things like holiday and sneaky and little bit. It just sounds so much better with a English accent. Come on try it, its fun.

Why can't divorces ever go smoothly? It took about 18 months from the time he left to the time we were actually divorced to get everything settled the way we both could agree on, and now he is being a total asshat again. The ex , since I am in school and not working at the moment, claims all four of the lovely offspring on his tax return and in turn is supposed to split the refund with me, till the youngest gets to Kindergarten or until I start working again. He told me a couple of weeks ago he was getting so much money wrote me the check and all was good right? Hell no. Because nothing can go that smoothly. I thinking he was up to his sneaky asshat ways looked up online how much of a refund he got and turns out the moron, I cant believe I actually was ever naked next to, messed up the tax return and he got $600 more than what he thought he was getting. I told him about his mishap but he wont give me the extra $300. Its all so immature and irritating I just want his head to explode. (Cause that is mature)

I bought a new kickboxing heavy bag today. To replace that sassy B.O.B. that hurt my knee. (that will show that plastic torso of a man who's boss) I am so excited to start kicking again since the only kickboxing class my gym offers involves combining martial arts with hip hop dancing and believe me No one wants to see me try to do that. So I decided my basement was as good a place as any to get my Hilary Swank(circa Million Dollar Baby) physique back (even though it was no where near Hilary Swank physique ever but it sounded good) Now I just have to figure out a way to get 250 pounds of sand in the base of the bag so it wont go sliding across the basement floor everytime I jab cross upper cut. ( I am so bad ass seriously stop me)

I spent Sunday with E and his 12 year old girls and I am so scared to become a mother one day to 12 year old girls its paralyzing. Even more than that I am petrified to be a stepmother to 12 year old girls who at any minute change their mood from "Oh my Gawd Sarah so and so is my BFF forever I love her" during a conversation to crying and hysterically telling me that they hate her guts and never want to see her for as long as they walk the Planet Earth. Holy hormones I was scared. To be completely honest I don't really like kids. I love my own but I am really thinking that's only because they came out of me. Other people's kids? Well they're cute and I love to hold babies and little kids are pretty cool cause you can eat a banana and they think you're hilarious but 12 year old girls? I'm scared.

Well that's about all the randomness this week. Check out Keely over at The UnMom for all her awesome random bloggers. And if anyone has seen my blogging groove can you please tell it to get it's ass back home, its been out way past its curfew. Thanks.

Happy Tuesday!