Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Everybody Get Random


Tuesday again. My favorite day to be random. Coincidence? Oh I choose to believe hell no. Once again I will be writing all the random nothingness that has happened over the past week . I skipped last week cause I was kind of in a "I don't want to write another blog post in my life" funk. Which I snapped out of after I got some sugar in my system (damn diet).

Speaking of diets (man I am queen of a smooth transition no?) I was at the gym this morning and working out on the elliptical machine watching what else on my iPod but How I Met Your Mother (yes I'm still obsessed, I have 3 seasons to catch up on, and on yet another side note I think Neil Pattrick Harris aka Barney, is the voice of Aladin King of Thieves. Crazy huh?) when this woman/super model/bitch I wish would die gets on the machine next to me. I am assuming just to kill time till she gets to go make some other gym goer feel self conscious and fat because she has about a negative 3 on the body fat scale and is built like a god or goddess I should say. She is gorgeous I mean in that way in the movies when the girl walks in the room and everything goes to slow motion? Yeah that way. Then to make matters even more humiliating as I am sweating and huffing and puffing through resistance level 4 she pulls out these weights about 10 pounds each and starts swinging them back and forth as she climbs her skinny ass up the stair climber. Is it wrong that I wanted her to drop one of those weights on her foot? Is it wrong that I wanted to grab the weights from her and drop it on her foot myself? I would have too, but shit have you tried to be on an elliptical machine only using one hand? Yeah not pretty. She finishes her 30 minutes gets off the machine and sighs as she dabs the non existent sweat off of her face, meanwhile I am thinking they made the "towel off your machine after you are done" rule especially for me. And off she goes to get on the treadmill as men and women alike fall over themselves to make room for her. There should be a separate room at the gym for the people that have already achieved perfection. Damn I sound bitter. I should work on that, eh maybe tomorrow.

So this last week I have been feeling kind of like a cross between having a heart attack with chest pain and an elephant walking across me with back pain. Now me not being one to worry (oh my god I can barely write that sentence without laughing) was slowly freaking out that I am having a heart attack and also simultaneously freaking out that I am going to get sucked into the cult that is the chiropractic buisness. Since my usual ignore it till it goes away or kills you routine wasn't working I decided to go with all four kids (I'm a smart one see) to my local PromtCare office since it was Saturday. I realized I had never really heard of people surviving 5 day heart attacks and what the hell would I do if I was dead and my kids had to be raised by the sperm donor? We didn't have to wait long and surprisingly my kids were decent acting. Partly because I had an endless supply of Valentines Day candy in my purse I was bribing them with and partly because there was a man in there with an oxygen tank that was fairly amusing to my boys who thought (out loud naturally) that he looked like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (we just got the movie on Friday night, plus he actually did kind of resemble the red one). I get in there thinking surely they are going to send me to the ER since I say I am having chest pain and back pain. Nope didn't even blink an eye, either they were all too concerned about Valentine 's Day plans later that day or they just didn't care if I keeled over in their parking lot. The doctor finally came in and Hello Mr Doctor, It's me Sarah Just wanted to drop you a quick note and let you know that even though you are a doctor and I'll even give you a hot doctor, please please speak up when you are asking me questions. For the love of medicine. I can not hear you when my 6 year old, despite my death glares, thinks it's hilarious to repeat every single one of your questions to me. I didn't think you would have looked highly upon me if I stood up and beat her right there in the office now would you? Maybe it was funny to you to make me keep having to repeat "Excuse me" Or maybe your mother just taught you how to use your inside voice. But next time lets take it up just a notch? That would be great. Anyway after careful examination you said my right lung sounded a little "fuzzy" and that you would give me some antibiotics and you also thought that I may have a kidney stone from the back pain. Since I have had two excruciating (worse than child birth) kidney stones I really didn't want to tell you I thought your were full of shit right there, mainly cause my 6 year old would probably have repeated it, but I went along with your peeing in the cup and humored you when you thought there was blood in my urine (sorry for the visual) and nodded my head when you told me they would send it to the lab and get back with me. Then of course did the I told you so dance on Sunday when your office called me back to tell me it wasn't a kidney stone. ( I know I am That mature). So I am not dying and I thank you for easing my anxiety and also its so super cool that the antibiotics you prescribed are also used to treat malaria. I like a doctor that covers all the bases. You're loving patient, Sarah

You know what show I miss? Cheers. When I was in high school my best friend dated this guy who wasn't in high school and he lived with a bunch of his friends right behind our high school in this cool (and in cool I mean shitty and scary and gross,but there was no adults so cool) apartment that we would skip school and hang out at all the time. There was this guy that hung out there that later became my best friend's ex husband and he was a big time stoner guy. Some would say "big time stoner guy" is a mild understatement but for the sake of the story let's just say he was always stoned. Whenever he would walk into the apartment we would all yell his name. (like on Cheers, see I did have a point to this )He would laugh uncontrollably and then go pour a bowl of cereal and all was well with the world. I miss those days and that show..oh and Night Court, now that show kicked ass .

Who else out there is comin with me to call bullshit on Joaquin Phoenix's hip
hop career? Seriously come on? What's with the crazies that come along with growing facial hair? Do I need to remind you of Mel Gibson ? Beard=Crazy. Well except for Letterman he just looked hot. (Sorry it is what it is)

Since I am on the famous people section of this post, does anyone else think its a tad unfair for Micheal Phelps's to get his endorsement deals taken away just for smoking some pot? I mean how many women did he beat up? Rape? Impregnate? And how come NASCAR racers don't ever get caught doing stupid stuff? I mean beside eatingpossum and marrying their cousins? I kid I kid. Shake and Bake baby.



So I am now going to show you the most awesomest Valentine's Day gift I have ever received and I am pretty sure it trumps all your lame flowers and candy gifts too so prepare your self for its awesomeness. It is called the My-vu Crystal. What it is is these Space Trek Starship (sorry I don't follow sci-fi) looking glasses that you connect to your iPod and you can watch your favorite videos, TV shows, movies on what appears to be a 50 inch screen in the sky!! It is soo freakin cool. So now instead of straining to see a movie on my tiny iPod nano screen (which was also an awesome gift from the boyfriend for my birthday) I can now lay back in bed and watch it on a 50 inch virtual screen. Sooooo cool. Yeah he got an extra thank you that night if you know what I'm saying. Come on now high five! (sorry channeling Barney from HIMYM again. Damn media influence.). Yeah he is the best gift giver ever. So now I have to figure out a way I can wear these to the gym without someone calling the mother ship to take me away.

He also gave me a card. Not much you may think but I love me a good card and he has told me when I asked him where my Christmas card was that he was "not a card giver" So imagine my surprise when I not only got a card for the big V-Day but also a cute little poem he wrote in there for me. Yeah he's the best (have I said that yet) Oh god I am almost vomiting at the gushy romantic shit this section has been overwhelmed with so I am moving on...

So as much as I love all of my followers and by love I do mean love. I was
slightly confused at my last follower who appears to be affiliated with some sort of church. I am assuming they are following me because I quoted a Bible verse on my last post about love, not because of my post on anal sex and my love of porn and bondage. Oh did I just write that?Oops. I know get the basket ready for me to go to hell in. I heard heaven is too hard to keep clean and shiny all the time anyway.

OK Ladies I know you are gonna be jealous of where I get to go tomorrow. Ready for it? The Chicago auto show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woot! Boo Yaaa! Yay me and my awesome
trip tomorrow!! (Did you buy it? Was that enthusiasm genuine enough?) I am in love with a car guy. The dealership his Dad owns gave tickets to what I think is something like the second biggest car show on the planet ( I think Mercury has the biggest. All those space car prototypes are popular there) and my boyfriend scored two free tickets! And guess who he choose to take with him??? ME!!! Score!!! YES! I am the luckiest woman to walk the face of the stratosphere!!(Too much?) I am sure he will see lots of half naked women on cars, (Do they still do that at car shows?) and I am really hoping they serve beer there, alot of beer.


I used to love vanilla ice cream with raisins when I was a kid. Now um not so much. But I do love broccoli. What the hell happened?

One final note for all my Central Illinois readers just a warning....Avantis is Satan.If Satan was warm and gooey and covered with butter. It calls you in with its warm bread and butter that I can never find in the store that tastes the same, the friendly guy at the carry out, the Italian music, the crowded lines of high college students. You're in there innocently enough for a garden salad, no bread please . The salad that seems harmless enough till they accidentally give you an extra loaf of bread. And extra loaf on top of the half a loaf that it normally comes with it and I said I didn't want, the loaf that they refuse to take back after I point out I didn't order a full loaf of bread. Cause who is crazy enough to not want more of its carbolicios goodness? The bread I find myself eating, alone, in a dark living room, smearing on butter and drinking wine and watching The Food Network while apologizing to my thighs. Stupid, stupid, warm wonderfuly smelling stupid bread. ( I am stomping my feet, cursing my lack of willpower).

Well that's all I am sure that was plenty and my brain needs a rest or a Red Bull I can't decide. Random Tuesday Thoughts is brought to you by Keely over at The Un Mom. Go check her out and read up on all of the other random facts of life that are thrown up on all over the Internet today! Happy Tuesday!!!







32 comments:

Casey said...

Wow, you came back with a random vengeance! I had to give my 10 month old an ice cube to entertain her so I could read your randomness, I love it!

Those glasses sound like the coolest thing ever. I didn't know they actually sold those and I think I'm asking for a pair for my upcoming bday even though I already got a Wii Fit for my present. Totally cool

Cheers and Night Court were the best, they don't make shows like that anymore (except HIMYM which is my favorite too!).

I don't go to the gym anymore for that exact reason, there were always perfect sports bra wearing perfect ponytail bouncing bitches that would always pick the machine next to me and make me feel worse about myself. At least at home, nobody judges while I shovel more food into my mouth right after stepping off of the Wii Fit.

I'm glad you're not dying. I hate random chest pain, I get it sometimes too and then don't tell anyone since I don't want them to overreact but then I walk around wondering if I'm going to kick it at any second.

Happy Tuesday. The ice cube is gone and my kid just bit my knee. Gotta go.

The Dental Maven said...

WOW Sarah! You look Fab sitting on that Ferrari in your yellow -kini!! You go girl!

Middle Aged Woman Blogging said...

I was checking out the Chicago Auto Show online yesterday..... oh, you lucky dog!! And there will probably me tons of men there too, so wear your best panties! As for me, I lerv Clive Owen. I don't care if International didn't get rave reviews, Clive Owen is the fucking bomb!

Keely said...

You're covered for malaria and you're going to hell...sounds like a license to travel!

Happy Tuesday!

C.S. Perry said...

Well...there's random and then there's Random.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

ROTFLMAO! I am SO enjoying your Randomness come-back! ;) Those glasses sound SO cool! My hubby interrupted my blogging yesterday to tell me all about them...hmmm...maybe I should mention they would make an awesome Mother's Day gift or Anniversary gift...I'll have to start the hinting early... ;)

Casey pretty much summed up everything else I would've said (except the ice cube and child biting my knee) so that'll save you extra reading in your comments...(grin!!) Happy Random Tuesday! :)

Julie@Cool Mom Guide said...

You just slapped Random across the face and showed Random what Random really is. Well played.

Glamour Girl said...

I think I just fell in love with you! KILLING ME! LMAO

Braja said...

I don't know how you made me do it, but I read that entire post, and you're a damned marvel, woman. I'm still laughing at the poor misguided church person and the anal sex mistake :))) And go raisin icecream. Thank you for that craving right now at the moment in an Indian village where no such thing is available....

Peggy said...

Ahem...Now I'll post this in the right spot.

My daughter was calling me from her high chair in the kitchen the entire time I was reading that post. "I'm done mama!" "I DONE MAMA!"

You had me at five day heart attacks!

Katie said...

I adore you!

The mental image of you locking yourself in a room to eat that yummy Avanti's bread and watching the food network had me laughing so hard I was in tears.

Have fun tomorrow at the auto show. Just don't forget to take those cool glasses. I bet you wouldn't look out of place at all if you wore them there...in fact, I bet you'd be the envy of all the other folks that were dragged there!

I hope to see you Sunday!!

Vic said...

See, forget the raisin ice cream (?) and the church lady, I was all over hating the gym rat girl with you. There should be a sign on the door that bans them, preferably with a little electric shock for emphasis.

Your bitter and admiring friend,
vic

Ryan@Cool Dad Central said...

I heard that NPH is going to play the Flash in the upcoming movie. That is AWE, Wait for it... SOME!

And you care because he is the biggest reason to watch HIMYM...

Kurt said...

I'm glad you aren't being stepped on by an elephant having a heart attack. What? Okay, so I skimmed a little. (not true!) :)

wendy said...

I love Cheers. I love facial hair. I love Chicago (not auto shows). Skooch over in that hand basket..I need some leg room.

nice ramble yourself..

Ginny Marie said...

I seem to have attracted the same religious follower...just because I tagged my Valentine's post "Lutheran."

We love Avanti's...but we have to visit my sister in Peoria get it!

Cameron said...

Avanti's is a catch 22. In Peoria, it's great. In East Peoria, the sauce just ain't right. It really bothers me, I've been up many a night trying to figure out the issue.

Captain Dumbass said...

Where do I get those glasses?

Chris said...

Now how am I supposed to remember anything about this post except "anal sex and bondage"? That kind of erased everything you wrote before that.....nice going;)

FoN said...

I think gyms pay women like that to workout there in hopes they will inspire the normal looking people to keep going. I don't think they realize it pisses the normal people off.

Hey, now that you're good to go on the malaria front, you can come up here to visit in the summer! We have a lot of mosquitoes.

I have the theme to Night Court in my head now. Dan Fielding kicked ass.

Shangrila said...

How did I miss a post on anal sex and bondage. Dammit-if this is a cruel ploy to force me to read every post you ever wrote, it just may work-lol! "Space Trek Starship?" A thousand guys dressed in mylar and speaking Klingon just fell over dead, so clap! Clap, I say! Or whacking Perfectabitch at the gym will amount to nothing in the wake of your perfidity! (I may have gone too far there, as I'm not entirely sure what "perfidity" means...sorry about that.) Your valentine's glasses sound SO COOL. Maybe you can take them to the car show?! I missed you, too! Drink a Red Bull and keep posting! :)

Boyd said...

Dude, I am totally envious of those sweet glasses. I've actually been following their production in PopSci...cool.

blueviolet said...

You liked vanilla ice cream with raisins? I'm so glad you outgrew that.

Oh, I saw you staring at me at the gym. Knock it off.

Debbie said...

Excellent random post! Too much goodness in here to even comment on. The woman in the gym- we would all like to take her out back and rough her up. Don't feel bad for your evil thoughts. And Joaquin? He just has to be on something bad, don't you think?

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

I'm visiting for the 1st time, and your line "I realized I had never really heard of people surviving 5 day heart attacks" cracked me up. Just curious--you don't want church affiliated people reading you?

HeatherPride said...

That was quite a list of randomness!! I hope your back pain gets better. I had a couple of kidney stones a few years ago and I totally agree - they are worse than childbirth!! Glad that's not what the problem was!

Twenty Four At Heart said...

That woman at the gym? Does she normally live in Money Town? I'm thinking she does ....!

Mama Dawg said...

Totally random. No doubt about it. Kinda like peeking into your mind.

Vanilla ice cream and raisins? Blech.

KayFour said...

I showed up the morning for the first time and read through your blog. And I have to say it. There is some truly funny stuff here. If I wasn't such a grouchy old biddy, I would have peed my pants when I laughed instead of just laughing. I am booking marking you, dahling!

Jennifer said...

1. I am a raisin hater. How dare you defile delicious vanilla ice cream with such awfulness?
2. I want those glasses, that's so cool.
3. I hate skinny perfect bitches. They should be kept on an island, apart from us normal folk.
4. I am going to add HIMYM to my netflix queu right now!

Sammanthia said...

NORM!
I prefer to exercise at home, where there's no one but the kids there to witness my humiliation. You know how you see the person on commercials and sitcoms sliding and falling off the treadmill? Yeah, I've totally done that.

Glamour Girl said...

By the way, that song from your title has been stuck in my head for over 24 hours! AAAAgggghhhh!