Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Random Tuesday Thoughts: To Me It's All Just Mental Masturbation

Cause there's only way, there's only one way (drum solo) to rock!

Why is that all of the local radio stations here feel the need to have all 80's weekends? Just because I am the slacker that hasn't converted over to satellite radio I have to be subjected to Joan Jett and random clips of Lethal Weapon? Not really fair

Seriously $30 for Tesla tickets? I am thinking put on wife beater and watch them on youtube, it's practically the same thing. Good seats are still available though. No shit! Even though I would trade my Dora Live tickets for some Tesla tickets right about now.

I had the wonderful good fortunate of coming across the most coveted gift imaginable to any parent....the cheap and available anytime babysitter. I felt like Christmas had come early last week when I realized the girl I had hired to watch my kids this Summer while I go to school full time only charged $5 an hour! Even though I did have to remind her that just because she's cheap it still means she can only watch porn with her boyfriend on my couch only AFTER the kids go to sleep and that the joints have to be smoked with the windows OPEN, no exceptions. I'm a hard ass like that when it comes to the people I entrust my kids too. So being that she was so cheap I immediately booked her for the next 52 weekends. Score one for me.

Eric and I watched a movie about babysitters that were selling sexual favors to the Dad's whose kids they watched. Thank god this one can drive herself home. So if you are reading this Eric, sorry baby. I was googling images for babysitters and there are quite a few pornos with babysitters as the theme. I guess I am just old school and prefer the whole teacher/student scenario. Call me crazy.

Last weekend during my new found cheap babysitter freedom. I met with some local
bloggers downtown at a bar for some drinks. It was really the first time I had met most of the people there and I was kind of like a star struck idiot when meeting alot of them. They were so nice and welcoming and could easily drink me under the table in about 15 minutes so they have my utmost respect.

As previously mentioned on another blog post, which I would link to but 1. I don't know how, and 2. I am trying to, through psycho therapy, block that period out of my life, I wrote about my very unconventional crush on one of my city's great Councilmen, Gary Sandberg. Well he happened to be at the bar that night and after I stopped blushing profusely I actually got to meet him and talk to him. It was a very Marsha Brady meets Davy Jones kind of moment and I was thrilled to have it finally come full circle. Even though I didn't get to see him lick his eyebrows, but you know what? I am okay with that. Some things are better left to the imagination.

Saturday night Eric and I and some friends went out to eat then to a local bar downtown that had a band we all thought would be fun to see. We got there at about 9:30 and had to pay a cover so we asked the guy what time the band was going to start playing, when he replied Oh around midnight I couldn't help but laugh outloud. Seriously Midnight? God damn I am old. I wanted to ask where all the old people that have to get home to sitters bands play but didn't want to look like the kill joy.
But on the plus side, I did get a cool guitar hand stamp that made me feel like a rock star while I drank my Coors Light and made out with my boyfriend in dark corners of the bar. (Actually the making out part didn't happen but not from his lack of trying, mainly from my lack of ability to stand upright for more than a couple of minutes without getting dizzy. I have become quite a lightweight in my older age) Next time I do need to pace myself more since it was quite embarrassing trying to figure out how much money to pay the sitter and my multiplication skills were a tiny bit impaired.

My two year had a busy week last week. His father I 'll just call him the Moron for this story and his girlfriend, hmm lets call her Stupid Bitch, cut off all of my baby's beautiful curly red hair without my knowledge or permission. Actually Stupid Bitch took him, not the Moron. Who by the way, she is a mother and I am still trying to decide if she is just stupid or mean? Why would she take another persons kid to have his very first hair cut? She did save me a curl. Isn't that nice? My kid looks like he could be drafted now but thanks Stupid Bitch for the curl.

Then on Saturday, because it never happens on a week day when doctors offices are open, Nathan is jumping on my bed with his brother and fell and hit his eyebrow on my nightstand. So off to the ER to get factor and observation to make sure he didn't have a concussion. After about a half an hour of trying to convince the resident that yes, he barked at people before the head trauma we were allowed to go home. So now he is a bald little boxer and I break out into song everytime I see him.

"In a clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade and he carries the reminders of every glove that's laid him out or cut him to he's cried out in his anger and his pain....Lie da Lie....etc etc."

Thank you Paul Simon, or was it Garfunkel? Well yeah I don't think Garfunkel really wrote anything except that crappy song New York. He was mainly the looks in that operation no?

The hot guy at my gym always wears a hat while he runs. Always. I would be working out behind him grossed out at the sweat ring that would form on the hat and wonder how stinky his hat collection must be? But his kind of god like phyique helped me get over the sweaty hat issue. As I was pondering one day why he wore a hat to run in,he walked into the gym said hi to me and I didn't recognize him . Why you may ask? Well he didnt have his hat on that day and he is completely bald on the top. Kind of like he put one of those clown wigs on. Bald on top then tons of hair in a circle all around his head. It was disturbing and kind of ruined the fantasy right there. Someone should tell him that the Bozo look doesn't do anything for him...at all.

I watched Marley and Me last night and I cried the whole way through, not just in the end, but the beginning the middle and the end. It was like Where the Red Fern Grows, Ole Yeller, and Charlottes Web all rolled up into one, instead of a cute little comedy about a dog.

I feel so much better now. I am sure all my facebook friends were getting sick of me posting updates on my life every 5 minutes so I thought I would come back off of my blogging break and write it for all the cyber world to read. Random Tuesday Thoughts is once again brought to you by Keely over at The Un Mom and by all the useless mess in my mind.

Happy Tuesday!


Robin said...

Love the title of your post!
"The Boxer" is one of my favorite mix CD songs... everyone ends up with it. And it's also my fave Simon and Garfunkle song! Poor Art had that distracting hair.
Happy Randomness!

Jennifer said...

I think my comments will be as random as your post!
I, too, love Gary.
The hair thing was Bitchy. But your boy does look super cute with the short hair. Oh, and my daughter spent many a month barking as a toddler. So I'm assuming it's normal. And it was better than her brother, he didn't bark, but did take dumps in unfortunate places and was a biter.
Crap, $5 an hour? That's a bargain. Are you sure her pic's not hanging up in the local post office?

Vic said...

Cheap babysitters are like gold. You have to hoard them, and if necessary, lock them in the basement to prevent their going away, ever.

Last weekend we drove somewhere and my husband refused to change the radio station - which meant two straight hours of Pink Floyd. My kids were about to claw their eyes out.

Ginny Marie said...

You have to go see Dora, Live? I'm so sorry.

My husband really wants to see Marley and Me, but I told him I heard it was sad. Who wants to see a sad dog movie? Wasn't Old Yeller enough?

Beth said...

Maybe you should give the bitch a haircut to remember you by. I can't believe she had the nerve to take someone else's child for his first haircut. Does she have balls?

Melanie D said...

Great Randomness: 80's bands, dora, cheap babysitters,drugs,porn, concerts,bitches cutting your kids hair,sweaty men at the gym and sad dog movies....did I forget anything?
Oh right barking toddlers with eye injuries. Great blog!

Cameron said...

My GAWD...you licked Sandberg's eyebrows!?!?!?!?!

Oh wait, I read that wrong.

Happy RTT!

Anonymous said...

I would be pissed about the first haircut too.

Congrats on registering for your last semester of school - that's a major accomplishment.

Miss Yvonne said...

Stupid Bitch needs to be kicked in the face for getting your baby's first haircut without your permission.

I refuse to see Marley & Me because I know how it ends and I know I'll cry the whole way through.

CDB said...

I love that you referenced Dora AND Tesla (and getting tickets to both) in one post.. brilliance!

GreenJello said...

Congrats on reaching your final semester!

Dr Zibbs said...

Sammy Hagar should never be played again.

~~tonya~~ said...

Marley and me was a great movie!! I cried too all the way through.

Have a great day!

Peggy said...

SARAH!!!! It's so good to read you back here!

What a most excellent RTT that was!

Seriously, the babysitter thing had me cracking up!

Anonymous said...

Your poor little black-eyed baby!!!

I'm glad she saved you a curl but still....that was so over the line of what's allowed.

Are you seriously telling me $5 an hour for a babysitter is cheap?

Mandy's Kidding said...

You met bloggers? In person?


You don't know where they've been!

Some of them are dirty.

Eskimo Bob said...

Awesome. Simply awesome.

I'm glad that I came across your little corner in the cyberspace. It's not so scary out here as I thought!

Katie said...

Dirty bloggers? I showered that day, thank you very much. And the penicillin is clearing up my little 'issue' rather nicely! :)

Let me know when we can go egg the bitch's house!

Anonymous said...

It was a pleasure to meet you the other day. I'm sure we'll see you again sometime soon. The warmer weather usually brings out the party people in all of us. (Uh, I want to believe we will eventually get warmer weather.)

I've noticed that 80s thing too. And I don't like it. In my strong desire to remain 80s-free, I purchased an MP3 player for my weekend workouts. As I walk around the gym protected by headphones, I can't help but feel sorry for all the unfortunate saps subjected to that crap.

Long live Culture Club.

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Wow. You've had quite a few misadventures lately. Glad you got to meet some blogging friends. Maybe you guys can form a gang and go educate dad's girlfriend on the sanctity of children's hair! That was unbelievable. Yikes.

Jaime said...

stay in school forever! the best part of that plan is that you'd never have to repay your student loans

Boyd said...

I wish our stations would have an 80's week...some synthesizer sounds nice right now.

Casey said...

What the hell is wrong with your ex's girlfriend that she took your kid for a haircut. I would be LIVID. Like hire a hitman livid. Ok, not really, I'd probably do the job myself.
Good work on the cheap sitter, I'm jealous. Also, I'm glad you got to meet up with your bloggy friends, it's nice to see you back.

steenky bee said...

OMG. This post had it all. No, I'm serious. I only wish I had read it earlier in the day. I was sort of crying from laughter over here. Your crush on the Councilman coming full circle just slayed me. I hope that was intended to be funny, cause girl, it ripped me right up!

Keely said...

OMG. She took YOUR son for his FIRST haircut? I'd throw down, right there.

He does look like a cute little boxer though.

I think you might have to promise the babysitter 'favors' to keep her around. It'd be worth it.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

ha ha! Great post. I really want to meet Stupid Bitch. No, I really do ....

Captain Dumbass said...

Nathan's gonna look badass on the playground.

Diane said...

these posts always make my head spin! lol

i am pissed off for you that stupid bitch took him for that haircut. i'm not sure that i would have handled it well.

i'm wondering if the guy at the gym would be hot if he just shaved it all off?

Chris said...

Where the Red Fern Grows is one of my favorite all time movies.

Big Dan and Lil' Ann....sniff sniff

HeatherPride said...

So you never said if Gary Sandberg knew about your secret crush or not!!

And Stupid Bitch sure did earn her title. She would have gotten a kick in her stupid butt if she had taken my kid for his first haircut!!! She has kids of her own, so she knows. That's a big deal, or at least it would be to me.

Jenni said...

I heard that the reason DLR left Van Halen was because he was against their copious use of synthesizers.

And you know my feelings on the hair cut w/out permission. he's still a doll though. Glad there's no concussion

Jenni said...

okay, I'm just going to comment again because teh word verification is "burps" and that is just so appropriate.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Awesome random thoughts, as usual Sarah. I cried through Marley and Me too, so don't feel bad. And I am laughing so hard at the hot guy and his hat. I have met people like that and it is true, you don't even recognize them without the hat in all their shiny baldness! LMAO

Prosy said...

Wow that was some update. I'm not a mom, but I can't believe Stupid Bitch would do that. That is some serious underhanded 'girl' thing to do. Now that I work with girls again I am learning all the feminine sneaky nice but mean ways that girls have. It is exhausting!

Michelle said...

Great post!!!

I loved reading it all!!

DeeMarie said...

Nice post!! I'm not even sure where to start! Congrats on the cheap sitter!
I'm a lightweight now too. 2 drinks and I'm done.
80s weekends are highly overrated.
Marley and Me should come with a warning label.

Fragrant Liar said...

I'm so glad you are checking in to see what's up. I miss seeing your name in my comments box. You sound really great though -- even though this post is a week old, I guess. I hope you are doing well.


Lora said...

funny, funny title :0)

do me a favor and don't tell anyone in Nashville you found a babysitter that cheap. I'm not nearly that cheap AND no sexual favors included :0)

King of New York Hacks said...

The Boxr song...its how I got through many a rough patch....great post.

Anonymous said...

Love the post. I haven't watched marley and me. I cry enough thank you!


Anonymous said...