An Apple a Day?

So on my never ending quest to lose 5 pounds I bought a bunch of healthy food today at the grocery store, salad stuff, turkey, low fat bread, vegetables, etc. I come home unload all the stuff and put my bag of very yummy looking apples on the counter, change and go downstairs to run. An hour later I come upstairs hungry (as usual) and decide to have one of my heart healthy apples for a snack (mainly so I wont feel so bad about all the alchol I intended to drink later on) and this is what I see happened to all 6 of my lovely juicy red apples:

Mice? A terrible apple eating insect that just happened to invaded my apples after I got them home from the store? No the answer is my always hungry, always evil almost two year old, that decided after tasting every single one of them he would much rather have chocolate...well can't blame him there so that's exactly what we did. : )

If All Men Were This Honest

I'm not sure what it is about Walmart but 9 times out of 10 I get hit on when I am shopping there. Now I am certainly not trying to blow my own horn (but wouldn't that be something if I could...sorry couldn't resist) because I am not sure what would be better for my ego, getting asked out by no one or getting asked out by these men...most I think aren't the sharpest knives in the drawer and a good percentage of them have a certain stank about them. But tonight was somewhat different. Kids were at a sitters and I had just got done working out so I was in a t-shirt and my capris, freakin cold as shit since apparently I was living in denial that I live in the Midwest.

I was reaching for my wine of choice that happened to be on the top shelf, when this man came up behind me and said " Nice calves". I turned around, proud that all that endless mind numbing running had paid off, to thank him when he continued... "Um and by nice calves I really mean nice breasts."

I laughed so hard that if I wasn't already in a relationship I might just have given him my number. I told him he should always lead with the nice tits comment first.

My List

So me and a girlfriend of mine were recently talking about "the list" you know the list that you get when you are in a relationship. The list that give you a freebie if you will, if you somehow by some cosmic twist of fate happen to meet any of the people on your list and want to "hook up" with them. (Do they still call casual sex hooking up? Its been awhile...) I didn't necessarily have one per say I just have a lot of random celebrity crushes that if anything would be fun to lets say have dinner with or have a beer with or play mini-golf with. I had alot when we got to writing them down I probably had over 50 men. Apparently I am a whore in my own fantasy life? So for everyones entertainment or maybe just for mine and for sure for my own embarrassment I narrowed the list down to my top ten :


10. Hugh Laurie (actor) He plays this asshole doctor on the FOX show House and was also for you parents out there the Dad in the Stewart Little movies. Now to my own defense my crush did not happen until he played Dr House ... I don't know something about arrogant men that are arrogant for a good reason. Makes me wanna have a mystery diagnosis that only he could solve possibly involving a tapeworm. Plus in "real life" he has this very sexy English accent that makes him a bit more likeable. I would like to play doctor with him if you know what I'm sayin' .

9. Chris Matthews (political guy) I love him I mean I love love him. He is on MSNBC with the show Hardball where he screams alot and pretends to be a real hardass...but then I saw him on a David Lettermen interview where he was this different guy. For one he was shy, almost awkward and he kept pulling up his socks throughout the whole process. Something about that really brought him down to a human level and he was really funny, geeky funny, but funny. And he had on white socks and dark shoes... his fashion fauz pas was what did it I think.

8. Davy Jones (Singer) Now I mean Davy Jones from back in the day. When I was a kid The Monkey's were on every night on Nick at Night and I would watch that show and think Davy Jones was singing Day Dream Believer to me and only me. I would have dreams that he would come and take me to Hollywood and we would live happily ever after...very Brady Bunch Marsha fatasyisc. And yes every time I hear the Monkey's today I think of that. Davy Jones and Bob from Sesame Street were my major crushes as kids. That and pretty much every male ice skater from the Ice Capades shows...I would sit and kiss their pictures in the programs...Oh I am going to far again aren't I??

7. Anderson Cooper (CNN guy, Vanderbilt heir) Another news guy, but I really fell in love when he was the host of that show The Mole. Does anyone remember that show? It was the best reality show out there, maybe a little bit slow, and no one was really all that exciting, but you had to use your actual brain and try and figure out which contestant was an actual member of the show and trying to purposely get the other people of their team to fuck up. It was the coolest concept ever, and there my love grew for Anderson Cooper. Really who didn't fall in love with him through all the coverage he did of Hurricane Katrina? I really have slight crushes on alot of men in the news outlets. But these two really stand out in my mind as someone I would be willing to put on an actual list of possible hook ups.

6. Will Ferrell (actor) He's funny and he's in my top movie of all time Old School. And I bet he would be a really good drinking buddy. Maybe he would let me go streaking with him??And I could get all the good Hollywood movie gossip. Him in Talladega Nights running around in his underwear...nice.

5. Mike Rowe (TV host) He's that guy on the Discovery Channel who hosts Dirty Jobs. The show that goes around and finds the most disgusting jobs people do and he does them and somehow seems to make them all look like fun by the end of the half hour. Cool show. Sexy as hell host.

4. Steve McQueen (actor) Yeah I know he's dead but damn he was sexy. I loved his movies too again they make me think of my childhood and wanting to date a boy that rode a motorcycle. I think I needed attention as a kid or maybe a more time consuming hobby other than boys? The band Drive By Truckers did a really cool song about him too WAY cooler than Sheryl Crow's. Again I go back to my love affair of men with cigarettes and he drove cars fast and was just really freakin hot. That's about the best 8th grade explanation I got.

3. Lars (drummer from Metalica) Back in the day when me and my best friend would skip high school and sneak over to her boyfriends apartment where we would do various good girl activities you know read the Bible...quilt Metalica was usually on somewhere in the background. I have never been a big band groupie per say. My hair is short and dark and unable to be permed and or teased really high and I don't really look good in white denim so I would probably end up looking more like their accountant than their random fuck...but I could work with that. I am a sucker for an 80s hair band drummer.

2. David Duchovney (actor, sex addict) My love for this man is no secret and I would gladly run off into the sunset with him if only for a night.

1. Johnny Depp (sexiest fuckin pirate ever) Do I really need a reason for him to be on the list? No talking required with him either I am afraid he would be one of those men that it would be better if they just didn't talk.


There are so many others I didn't name some much more mainstream and some much much more ...well not. I know some of these might sound somewhat off the beaten path but let me tell you I was alot better than my girlfriend who unfortunately doesn't blog but some of hers were just messed up. I mean who has a crushes on comic book characters?? What? Oh....sorry Dave. ; )

Tis the Season

My loving boyfriend has everything. He wants/needs something he likes he goes and buys it. He is I can imagine like most financially secure responsible adults. He pretty much has everything. Which hey its great for me cause if I am ever in the mood to play Wii, know what the barometric pressure is from a watch, or play with a weird lighted toy called a Tonoruim, he's my guy. But when you are his girlfriend of less than 6 months with a major holiday looming its scary as shit. I have no idea what to get him, and let me tell you I am filling in some pretty big shoes from the ghosts of girlfriends past and their gift giving abilities, girlfriends who apparently had lots of disposable money to spend or not a lot of confidence that their relationship would last so decided to buy his love (totally made that up, but it makes me feel better) Where as my gifts will probably have the "Well its the thought that counts" vibe goin on this year. Since I don't have a whole lot of extra income and I tend to value things like lets say heat, and electricity call me crazy I do have to stick to a budget. Plus I have 4 little kids who in theory should learn the true meaning of Christmas but in thier reality the Jonas Brothers are god's Children born in a stable on a sound stage at Disney.

Back to the gift problem.... I have even cheated and gone on google and tried typing in "unique gifts for men" and the list if not amusing is not really practical. I don't think he has any use for camouflage toilet paper, or a twirling spaghetti fork. I did kind of have my eye on a sweatshirt with the words "Weekend Forecast: Drunk with a case of Horny" mainly though for me. Seriously I laughed embarrassingly long at that one. But other than that I am at a loss. He collects watches but he has three watches from past girlfriends that all cost more than my house payment every month and so I think I am gonna pass on trying to up that gift, since my watches generally come from Walmart and have cute pink plastic bands. He's not a snob by any means he would love anything I give him. He said all he wanted for Christmas was me...so I am seriously considering wrapping a big bow around myself ....but maybe for Christmas night *blush*

He likes cars and watches and electronics. All of which he has a lot of. I think I have seen one book in his house which didn't have pictures of cars, watches or electronics in it so that is out. Any kind of specialty of the month club kind of reminds me of the cheesy gifts I would give my father-in -law, and he isn't a coffee drinker or even a big alcohol drinker (even though I keep having dreams about him drunk at a bar... but that's for my therapist to figure out).Sweaters, hats, socks? Boring that's a we've been married for 10 years gift, not a I still want to rip your clothes off whenever I see you gift. I am stumped. I am thinking I should know what he would like. He asked me last night what I wanted for Christmas... or if I just wanted him to use his imagination. I of course said to pick something out for me and that I would love anything he got for me and then I causally hinted that my neck sure felt empty and that my fingers felt really light lately without anything on them. I know I know I am one smooth lady.

I have looked around his house trying for something to pop int my head about what he might want without much success. I seriously am pretty competitive when it comes to gift giving. I want him to think "Wow she is the best gift giver ever! Even though I never thought I wanted this, fill in the blank here, I now can't imagine my life without one!"

I know I will figure it out eventually...I just am usually really good at giving gifts at knowing what that person would like and finding something special and I can't and it pisses me off! Why can't there be a real Santa Clause????

A New America

I had to wait awhile to write...to let it all sink in, to think of something that someone hasn't said or will say a hundred times today and in the coming days. I am a Democrat was raised by Democrats who were raised by Democrats, I would have voted Democrat across the board for a President this year no matter what...but it wasn't a no matter what year. Barrack Obama got me excited about politics again. I was an environmental junkie in high school and early on in my 20s. Wanting to do my part to save the trees, the whales, the Earth. Going on protests against animal testing, refusing to write on anything that wasn't recycled, paying attention to the issues that mattered to me at the time,thinking I could make a difference. That involved politics, that involved listening to what my leaders were telling me about the environment and then watching to see if they followed through. I was at rallies and protests, I carried signs for my leader of choice and I was vocal to anyone who would listen and sometimes to people who wouldn't. I believed that one person could help, that one person could change someone's mind or make a corporation change their ideals. I wanted to live in a World where my voice mattered, even if I was just a waitress at a bar, or didn't finish college. I wanted to live in a country where I believed that my leader cared about what I believed in... who would fight along side of me and help me win no matter what the winning was about. I stopped trying to fight for these things when I realized that things weren't changing, when we as American elected a President eight years ago that gave us no call to action, that didn't inspire anyone to go out and change the world. I think that was how alot of Americans felt...if our leader didn't care why should we? I was watching the commentators last night and they were talking about Presidents from the past and how when JFK started the Peace Corp he had 3,000 people sign up before it was even formed. He inspired millions to react, to think, to do. I want a President like that again and I believe that we chose that man last night. We need a leader again someone to get us excited again. He might not have all the experience, and he will fail as he himself said. Last night will probably be his biggest night of popularity. All the people who voted for him will look starry eyed at him come the new year with hope and a longing that he can magically fix us, and we will no doubt be disappointed by the time that it will take to turn us around, but I believe it will happen. We need someone with the voice that people will listen to, we need someone with the charisma and persuasiveness to get us as Americans involved again to get us to want to pull ourselves out of this mess. I am so proud to be an American today. Last night as the West coast polls were closed and they almost immediately called Obama as the winner I looked over at Eric and just said "Wow" As I listened to the African Americans tell their stories, as I listened to the historians and the commentators talk about what a historical moment this is all I could say was Wow. The fact that slaves helped build the White House and it will now have an African American family living in its walls...Wow. The fact that he has inspired a nation, a nation that still has a strong racial divide, that still have people that think that a person is better because of the color of their skin, we are a nation that elected the first African American President. Wow. Good for us, good for America, for our children and our grandchildren. I am proud this day to be an American again.

Bread and Honey = Sweet Goodness

Sing a song of sixpence
a pocket full of rye
Four and twenty blackbirds,
baked in a pie.
When the pie was opened,
the birds began to sing.
Wasn't that a dainty dish
to set before the king?
The king was in his counting house
counting out his money.
The queen was in the parlor,
eating bread and honey.
The maid was in the garden,
hanging out the clothes,
When down came a blackbird
and pecked off her nose!
There was such a commotion
that little Jenny wren
Flew down into the garden
and put it back again

I am reading to my kids tonight before bed, and one of them brings me this book of Children's Nursery Rhymes and as I am reading the one above all I keep thinking about is eating bread and honey, and how freakin much I love honey and bread. Oh and how much I wished I was a queen and had a parlor, and how incredibly disturbing the last few lines are and really hoping to god that my kids aren't having nightmares tonight,but that's besides the point.

I put the kids to bed and see what I can find to eat that would go with honey since I am completely out of bread... damn it! I usually do my weekly shopping when the kids are with the sperm donor to avoid any meltdowns or random acts of WMS, (Walmart Mom Syndrome) at the grocery store, so Monday nights are kind of scarce on the food scene. But I did find in the back of the fridge behind the cheese and the yogurt Crescent Rolls...oh Thank you god of carbs. So before I can talk myself out of it the oven is preheated and they are cooking. I put them all on a plate thinking I will only eat a couple...take them out to the living room all thought leaves my brain as I start pulling them apart and filling them with honey and 8 rolls later I am laying in a stupor on the couch trying to remember what just happened. I think I may have blacked out from all the carbs and sugar. I might have a slight problem and possibly need some sort of therapy for continually eating 3 times as much as the amount of calories I burn everyday. I am thinking it has something to do with my subconscious not wanting me to ever get back into my size 6 jeans so I sabotage it with binges of bread and honey. Damn nursery rhymes and their subliminal messages. I need help.

Election Day

Is anyone else excited about this Tuesday? I just was sitting here going through my plans for the week and realized it was Tuesday. Now I know I must be living under a rock to not have realized that it is this Tuesday right? But in my defense, I think when you are a mom you kind of learn to turn all of that shit out you don't want to hear. And things like "Mom is my leg supposed to bend that way?" or "Wow Nathan's head sure bleeds alot", become more clear in my head than campaign ads and lawn signs. I am just really pumped to be able to vote this election. I voted in the last two elections and that didn't turn out all that swell (understatement) but I was never as excited about the nominee as I am this year.

Lily's school was having a mock election, mainly just trying to help the kids learn how the election process works, which is a hell of a good idea since she is the one that has informed me of alot of the stuff...I had no idea John McCain would be the oldest President if he is elected. Gotta love when your 7 year old out-smarts you. Now basically I realize the kids vote for who their parents tell them too... case in point, my Lily who voted for Obama after I drilled it into her head for days before the actual election throwing in that she would not be in the will if she did otherwise (kidding..sort of). I am doing her hair one morning and explaining to her the significance of this election year. How privileged she is to be an American and to be a part of a piece of history that some people thought would never happen. Whether it be the first African American President or the first Woman as Vice President. How cool is that? For her to be a female and be able to live through this is amazing. It was somewhat hard to explain to her, the importance of this year, the fact that this country is really in the shitter and we need someone to pull us out before the toilet gets completely clogged and spills all over the floor (which had just happened to us so she got that analogy)was the best I could do.

I don't really "do" politics I have my beliefs and my positions and sure I'm geeky and listen to the City Council on WCBU once a month. Hell my Dad worked as the Station Manager for WCBU all of my childhood and I was forced to listen to all those programs, and some of it seeped in apparently. But I am pretty narrow minded when it comes to what I believe in... not a great thing to admit about oneself, but people that have opposing idiotic ideas irritate me. Bothers me to the point that I just have to walk away or else I wouldn't trust myself to behave. I can listen to people who lets say oppose the city taking over the water company where as I agree with it, stuff like that doesn't get to me much. I can listen and talk about both sides. But beliefs in politics that are clearly influenced by how much money they earn, or the church they attend on Sunday mornings... ugh i can hardly write about it with out getting pissed off. So yeah I don't write alot about politics, but this year is so cool for lack of a better word, it is just cool. I am so glad my daughters can be a part of it. They are learning what the American people can (hopefully) do after a massive failure on the part of our government for the last 8 years. And now that I am technically somewhat of a grownup this election means more to me than any in the past. At the risk of sounding preachy, we all need to do our part, it was only such a short time ago in our history as a country that women weren't allow to vote, or African Americans weren't allowed to vote. That is what blows my mind when I hear my 93 year old Grandpa talk about the Civil Rights and Woman's Movements. Thinking of everything those people risked to change the way we think... we have to go and vote on Tuesday. It should be mandatory.

I can't wait to vote then come home and turn on the TV and pop some popcorn and bug the shit out of my boyfriend all night with results, red and blue states, statistics and polls and percentages! The only down side is that Tim Russert won't be around this year. When he died of a heart attack this June I cried for three days straight. Him and his dry erase boards will definitely be missed by this election day nerd : ) So vote even if you don't know who you want to vote for, just vote no excuses! I am watching you people!