Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures

It Isn't What They Say About You, It's What They Whisper.

2009-11-08T14:14:00.005-06:00

This week has been an interesting one for me. Jesus christ interesting to say the least. Hurtful, eye opening, revealing, maddening, sad, confusing to name a few of the emotions I have gone through. In all my life I have never encountered such hatred and anger as I have this week directed at me and what I supposedly did...about gossip. Through my very abusive 15 year relationship with my ex-husband gossip was never something he did. He was from an upper class family, a good position in his company, he never wanted to gossip about what was going on in his family because he thought that would reflect badly on himself as a person. He was never one to scream on the front lawn at me, or tell the neighbors what was going on...it just wasn't thought of. The one thing that can be said for the guy...he knew when to keep his mouth shut.

As a girl hell as a human we all have been targets of rumors or gossip or just even the occasionally teasing about a new hair style or outfit that someone is going to inevitably not like and talk about. I was no stranger to that kind of childish form of entertainment...when I was a child. I have done it too, haven't we all? It seems though as we get older it should get better. As adults we should have learned better ways to communicate with one another other than gossip.

My group of friends in high school was a small VERY close knit group of girls and guys who were for lack of a better word, my family. We were fiercely loyal to everyone in the group. You wanted to say something about one of us? That meant taking on all of us and not alot of people wanted to do that. If we had a problem with one another because lets face it, no group is immune to the pressures of high school, we would talk to each other about it. We wouldn't spread gossip we wouldn't automatically decide we hated that person from a "he said she said" conversation. We talked things out sometimes screamed things out...but we always got to the bottom of the issue before we moved on ...usually to the next one. What can I say it was high school. I guess you could say we kept ourselves in a protective bubble that encompassed all of us, we watched out for each other, we learned how to spot potential trouble from a mile away and would do whatever we could to protect our group from that trouble. When I went off to college...I was still in that bubble. My friends went to to the same school as me or stayed in the same town. My friends in college had to merge with my high school friends or it just didn't work. It needed to be blended love or no love. You don't love every single one of my friends? Sorry move right along.

After a miscarriage, 4 babies, losing a child, a divorce, and a host of rather bad luck situations I thought I had come out the other side pretty unscathed. I mean I could change a diaper, help with Math homework and get ready for a date all at the same time. I felt like nothing could penetrate my feeling of invincibility. My core group of friends remained at my side but as time and life marched on more and more of them left the state or the country and I was somewhat alone in this town without a lot of really solid girlfriends. I missed that. I needed to have a female connection with someone, someone who could relate to my craziness at times or just someone who would love to spend the day shopping and drinking smoothies. Through all of those things I had gone through it was my girlfriends that got me through it. That picked me back up and did the whole "buck up soldier" pep talk and sent me on my way.

I bought a new house, I started school again and I started to blog by accident one day and I fell in love with the cyber community of women and men that I felt I belonged to when I read about someones semi private thoughts every morning with my oatmeal and tea. I felt connected again to something that I had been missing. I blogged about a lot of stuff, alot of personal private stuff that yeah would have been good gossip fodder back in the day.

I felt their love and support this week when I was the target of another woman's dislike of things that I had done. Gossip and rumors, and just plain hurtful comments were made and emails exchanged. I am not a confrontational person. With my ex-husband hell yes I was...we could barely speak to each to each other without confrontation or insults, but when he left alot of that left with me and I have never been more peaceful. I love to be around people. I love to ask questions and find out a person's history. If they are into the same things as me, I don't think twice before I send them an email or ask them about it. I don't think what other people will think of me if I comment on someones FaceBook status. I felt like I was/am harmless. At least that is what I thought the impression was that I gave off. Apparently not to everyone. The person who was spreading the gossip? I didn't really know her. I had met her a couple of times, but I respected her and her career and what she has been through. I thought that we could get over whatever it was that I did that pissed her off in the beginning and move on with life. I was wrong.

I thought I had tougher skin I thought that with everything I had been through I could actually take someone just not liking me. I mean that's life. Turns out I'm not all that good at it. It sucks really. Really sucks. Through it all this week I have called, emailed, cried, talked much longer than I should have to my "new" group of women friends and through it all they have supported me, listened and thankfully emailed me back. Words can not express my gratitude. As a 32 year old woman I guess I need to learn that not everyone is going to think I am cool or want to hang out with me. I wrote to a friend of mine this week and said that I think I might be a tad bit narcissistic to think that everyone should like me but at the same time have the self esteem to totally understand when they don't. It's a hard lesson to learn after a lifetime of pretty much just sailing through life in my bubble. I suppose it had to be popped.

I am thankful for my group of friends and am reminded of the power that words have to hurt, to alienate and to embarrass but thankfully to also heal, help and connect.

Warning this Post is not for the faint of heart...or for any die hard Michael Jackson fans....

2009-06-26T15:49:00.007-05:00

I logged on to yahoo reaLLLLLLLLLLLy hoping someone had written something other than the glowing emotional tributes that have been flooding the social networks, news stations and radio bulletins. Hoping that someone instead of playing a musical tribute to a fallen star would stand up and take a stand against honoring someone who deserves nothing of the sort. That someone would write, more eloquently than me, how sad it is how this country idolizes all kinds of people, the wrong people and puts people with money, fame and a reasonable amount of talent up on a pedestal despite how they act in private. How sad that despite all the facts, allegations and even just plain old creep factor, millions of people were in the street crying over a aging rock star that gave us some good memories over a tape deck 20 years ago. These were probably the same people who were wearing Free Michael t-shirts back five years ago when he was accused Again of inappropriate behavior toward little kids. I wonder where were the millions of people that came to the children's defense? Even IF the extreme case wasn't true, wasn't proven, was trumped up to extort money, just the simple fact that he himself admitted to having "sleepovers" with children, with giving them "Jesus Juice" and a host of other ungodly stupidity, should make us as smart intelligent Americans say a small thank you yesterday.

Shame on the parents of those boys for being silenced for so long. In shutting their mouths while they opened their bank accounts. They let him believe even more that he was untouchable even more invincible and all the more powerful because he had money. That the thrill of sending their kids to the Neverland Ranch overrode their child's safety. Sickening. Giving him the free pass to do what he choose to do and play dumb that no one ever told him touching little kids and letting them sleep in a bed next to you at night without clothes on is Wrong.

I. Call. Bullshit.

How his fame overshadowed his misdeeds saddens and disgusts me. How people are saying "Well if it weren't for the last 5 years or so he was great" No honey, that's not how it works. He wasn't great. He was a performer who used his influence, power and excuses to do harm to children and the people who trusted him.

Just because I heard Ted Bundy had a big cock doesn't mean I want to fuck him anytime soon.

(Pardon my french)

Yes I am sorry for his children...but you know what? I felt sorry for his children when he was dangling babies over hotel balconies and having them wear towels over their faces and costumes in public. No one ever did anything though did they? No authorities stepped in, their own mother even gave the responsibility over to this sick man to raise them because of what?? Come on now I know you know the answer don't hold back on me? MONEY! I would rather my children eat fried shoelaces and live in a box next to a power plant than give my rights over to a man who sat on television and held hands with a 13 year old boy. Where are their voices? Who spoke up for them? Where were the tshirts that read "Free Michael's Children"? This wasn't Winona Ryder being accused of shoplifting this was Michael Jackson being accused of the most heinous crime I can think of Child molestation. He dies and the world is morning? What may I ask are we so sorry about? That his life as a child was shitty? That his parents were strict and cruel? Yeah well too bad. Life sucks sometimes. He was wealthy he was surrounded by seemingly intelligent people that could have helped that could have stepped up to get him the help he needed long before. That could have prevented him from being in the presence of children.

If the local sex predator who lives around the corner from you suddenly kicks the bucket playing racquetball...does the fact that he was an amazing artictecht, or well known politician overshawdow the fact that he raped a seven year old little girl in a parking lot? God I fucking hope not.

I think what makes me sad is that no one is remembering anything more than "Oh I cleaned my room to Thriller", or "I had my first kiss to Billy Jean." That that memeory makes it okay what he did later in his life. I remember reading articles about the inhumane way Mother Teresa treated her volunteers in Calcutta and how she just really wasn't a nice person...but she wore a nun's habit and gave money to charities so that excused her for being an asshat. Sorry no. Just like I don't think Mother Teresa was "moody" or just had a couple of bad outbursts, neither do I believe that Michael Jackson was a great man but he just happened to molest little boys.His hand just slipped once or twice down their pants, but hey remember Man in the Mirror? Damn that was a good song so all is forgiven. I'll pass on the warm fuszzy memories of a sicko's recording career. Thanks.

Don't care about the music he gave us because for fucking once we need to remember what truly makes us a good person. Not by the material things we do or because we can sell a hit single, or decorate the White House, or even be the god damn President and live in the White House, those things don't make us who we are. And I hope that he was ashamed of the things he did, or god forbid were still doing, and realized that World tours and Hall of Fames and Gold Records do not a good man make.

Random Tuesday Thoughts: To Me It's All Just Mental Masturbation

2009-04-07T08:46:00.015-05:00

Cause there's only way, there's only one way (drum solo) to rock!

Why is that all of the local radio stations here feel the need to have all 80's weekends? Just because I am the slacker that hasn't converted over to satellite radio I have to be subjected to Joan Jett and random clips of Lethal Weapon? Not really fair. I can be up all night and sleep all day with the best of them but 48 hours of synthesizer music is an overkill no?

Seriously $30 for Tesla tickets? I am thinking put on wife beater and watch them on youtube, it's practically the same thing. Good seats are still available though. No shit! Even though I would trade my Dora Live tickets for some Tesla tickets right about now.

I had the wonderful good fortunate of coming across the most coveted gift imaginable to any parent....the cheap and available anytime babysitter. I felt like Christmas had come early last week when I realized the girl I had hired to watch my kids this Summer while I go to school full time only charged $5 an hour! Even though I did have to remind her that just because she's cheap it still means she can only watch porn with her boyfriend on my couch only AFTER the kids go to sleep and that the joints have to be smoked with the windows OPEN, no exceptions. I'm a hard ass like that when it comes to the people I entrust my kids too. So being that she was so cheap I immediately booked her for the next 52 weekends. Score one for me.

Eric and I watched a movie about babysitters that were selling sexual favors to the Dad's whose kids they watched. Thank god this one can drive herself home. So if you are reading this Eric, sorry baby. I was googling images for babysitters and there are quite a few pornos with babysitters as the theme. I guess I am just old school and prefer the whole teacher/student scenario. Call me crazy.

Last weekend during my new found cheap babysitter freedom. I met with some local
bloggers downtown at a bar for some drinks. It was really the first time I had met most of the people there and I was kind of like a star struck idiot when meeting alot of them. They were so nice and welcoming and could easily drink me under the table in about 15 minutes so they have my utmost respect.

As previously mentioned on another blog post, which I would link to but 1. I don't know how, and 2. I am trying to, through psycho therapy, block that period out of my life, I wrote about my very unconventional crush on one of my city's great Councilmen, Gary Sandberg. Well he happened to be at the bar that night and after I stopped blushing profusely I actually got to meet him and talk to him. It was a very Marsha Brady meets Davy Jones kind of moment and I was thrilled to have it finally come full circle. Even though I didn't get to see him lick his eyebrows, but you know what? I am okay with that. Some things are better left to the imagination.

Saturday night Eric and I and some friends went out to eat then to a local bar downtown that had a band we all thought would be fun to see. We got there at about 9:30 and had to pay a cover so we asked the guy what time the band was going to start playing, when he replied Oh around midnight I couldn't help but laugh outloud. Seriously Midnight? God damn I am old. I wanted to ask where all the old people that have to get home to sitters bands play but didn't want to look like the kill joy.

But on the plus side, I did get a cool guitar hand stamp that made me feel like a rock star while I drank my Coors Light and made out with my boyfriend in dark corners of the bar. (Actually the making out part didn't happen but not from his lack of trying, mainly from my lack of ability to stand upright for more than a couple of minutes without getting dizzy. I have become quite a lightweight in my older age) Next time I do need to pace myself more since it was quite embarrassing trying to figure out how much money to pay the sitter and my multiplication skills were a tiny bit impaired.

My two year had a busy week last week. His father I 'll just call him the Moron for this story and his girlfriend, hmm lets call her Stupid Bitch, cut off all of my baby's beautiful curly red hair without my knowledge or permission. Actually Stupid Bitch took him, not the Moron. Who by the way, she is a mother and I am still trying to decide if she is just stupid or mean? Why would she take another persons kid to have his very first hair cut? She did save me a curl. Isn't that nice? My kid looks like he could be drafted now but thanks Stupid Bitch for the curl.

Then on Saturday, because it never happens on a week day when doctors offices are open, Nathan is jumping on my bed with his brother and fell and hit his eyebrow on my nightstand. So off to the ER to get factor and observation to make sure he didn't have a concussion. After about a half an hour of trying to convince the resident that yes, he barked at people before the head trauma we were allowed to go home. So now he is a bald little boxer and I break out into song everytime I see him.

"In a clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade and he carries the reminders of every glove that's laid him out or cut him to he's cried out in his anger and his pain....Lie da Lie....etc etc."

Thank you Paul Simon, or was it Garfunkel? Well yeah I don't think Garfunkel really wrote anything except that crappy song New York. He was mainly the looks in that operation no?

The hot guy at my gym always wears a hat while he runs. Always. I would be working out behind him grossed out at the sweat ring that would form on the hat and wonder how stinky his hat collection must be? But his kind of god like phyique helped me get over the sweaty hat issue. As I was pondering one day why he wore a hat to run in,he walked into the gym said hi to me and I didn't recognize him . Why you may ask? Well he didnt have his hat on that day and he is completely bald on the top. Kind of like he put one of those clown wigs on. Bald on top then tons of hair in a circle all around his head. It was disturbing and kind of ruined the fantasy right there. Someone should tell him that the Bozo look doesn't do anything for him...at all.

I watched Marley and Me last night and I cried the whole way through, not just in the end, but the beginning the middle and the end. It was like Where the Red Fern Grows, Ole Yeller, and Charlottes Web all rolled up into one, instead of a cute little comedy about a dog.

I registered for my last semester of school yesterday! Whoo hoo. So hopefully I will be done and be an actual real adult sometime in the near future. But really I am not holding my breath.

I feel so much better now. I am sure all my facebook friends were getting sick of me posting updates on my life every 5 minutes so I thought I would come back off of my blogging break and write it for all the cyber world to read. Random Tuesday Thoughts is once again brought to you by Keely over at The Un Mom and by all the useless mess in my mind.

Happy Tuesday!

Just A Song Before I Go....

2009-04-03T08:05:00.004-05:00

Well I am not really going anywhere, I just love that song and it came on my iTunes as I was trying to think of a good title for this post. It was either that or The Bitch is Back and really Elton John Sarah? I desperately need to clean house on my music collection...

I first want to thank everyone who has emailed, commented, called, thrown eggs at my house, wondering where the hell I have been. I usually try to comment at least when I haven't been posting, but I have been a slacker all around the blog community. To tell you the truth there was no great reason not to post except I didn't want to. I channeled my inner 7 year old girl and rolled my eyes and stomped my feet in protest of writing anything that wasn't school related. Blogging had started to take up a huge part of my brain and I needed that part. I had started to walk a little off balance and run stop signs, it wasn't pretty. Because you know, travelling twice the speed of sound, its easy to get burned (Thanks for that line David Crosby)

One of my favorite bloggers recently said that she wasn't going to say she was going to stop blogging all together, because as soon as anyone said that they were done they were suddenly inspired to write like Shakespeare. So I won't say I am done, but I wont say I am coming back to it entirely either. Just wanted to let everyone know I am here. I have been trying to read all my blogroll and know that if I didn't comment I am laughing/crying/getting angry/reflective in the comfort of my bedroom. Hopefully the words and inspiration will come back eventually and you all will have one more blog to take up your time in the mornings.

The Game of Life

2009-03-16T23:44:00.006-05:00

The fact that I may or may not come across as crazy to you people is something I struggle with on a day to day basis. The simple fact of the matter is I will never meet most of you face to face. Peoria, IL where I am at, has a wonderful group of local bloggers that I was really fortunate to stumble across when I first started this whole "blogtastic adventure" The fact that the community of bloggers in my local area is so great and so talented and so close nit and the fact that I am just at the cusp of starting to meet some of them and hang out with them and hopefully form friendships with them was pretty scary considering some of the topics I have posted about on here. I tell someone from California or Canada the fact that I love John Denver well yeah so what, but when I know that people who I will most likely meet are reading it as well, or people that I have already met are reading it well quite honestly that scares the shit out of me. I never wanted to be a writer, or a philosopher, or an advice giver, or a comedian, hell I would settle for people just coming over here cause they need something to do while they are waiting for their oil to get changed (assuming bloggers carry around their laptops at all times waiting for good blog fodder to drop in to their laps...which lets face it I know we all do. right? Shit you mean that's just me??)

Anyway my point of this and I do have one is that I don't mind coming off as little off balanced to my cyber peeps. When it comes to people I love, well yeah not so much. I strive to be as close to perfect as I can be for the people around me. I wouldn't call myself a people pleaser, but I like to make the people I love happy. I don't want to let anyone down or disappoint them in anyway. I am sure all good things, except when all that pleasing and acting a certain way and trying to be something interferes with life and the quality of said life. When it means sacrificng a part of who you are by nurture or nature or just by free will who you are to be what you think that person wants, well that's when it can become a problem. And that sucks It sucks big time. I don't really know how to change it either.

I get so incredibly scared of losing the people I love, because I have lost so much in the past that sometimes I overcompensate in that department. I either try way too hard for that person to love me or else I am the extreme opposite where I do anything at all to make the other person come to hate me (which to be honest the later is much more easy) The part of me that wants to believe that love will conquer all knows full well that it doesn't always do that. That sometimes despite our best efforts love will fail us and love will lose the battle and the war. Hell it can even lose the peace talks after the war. The paralyzing thoughts about if loving anyone is worth it because that love might someday cease to exist and then what? What is our purpose? I have alot of issues. I have alot of guilt and alot of shame and trust issues. I need to have perfection at times when I know that all I am capable of is mediocrity.

Relationships since my ex husband have run the gamete of being incredibly easy and fun and carefree (the therapist) not caring if there was a future, or a past even, just living in that moment and letting it all hang out...literally. To being so in love with someone that you don't want to go any further because you know that it will hurt so badly if and when it ends(present relationship). The whole reason why I went from one man to the next,the whole reason why I never wanted to have children, the whole reason why I never wanted to get another pet even, is the risk of loss. The risk of loss is so great that I just didn't want to even try and love. I have missed several wonderful opportunities in my life because of that fear. Some have ended by my own choosing and some others were forced to end because of that very reason.I think I may be at risk of losing the one person I love more than any other (non related) human being. The fact that I can get a little crazy, I can get a little scared and start to push and run and reason in my head all the ugly reasons why it will fail instead of see all the beautiful reasons why it could and should succeed is hurting us and it is a painful reminder of what I am not.

As I get older as my kids get older I am beginning to realize that I am in charge of this sculpture, this painting, this play this game called life or whatever other metaphor (or is it analogy?)you wanna give it, I am in charge of creating the life I want to lead for the next 40 years or so, the universe willing and I am wasting alot of it by imagination and fear. I don't want to fuck this up. I don't want to do something or say something out of fear and anger like in the past that will show a side to me that I may be willing to show to my cyber people but am terrified to show to the one I love more than anything.

I need some clarity.

To love is to risk loss.As the great CS Lewis wrote. The loss by abandonment or death or distance. The choice I need to make is if I am willing to make that risk...

Friday Frustrations-Do You Think Methadone Works on Caffeine Addicts?

2009-03-13T10:06:00.006-05:00

Friday Frustrations is exactly like Tuesday Random Thoughts except without the catchy title or little banner or links to another site, or readers, but pretty much the same.

I am giving up caffeine and I compare it to probably what it is like giving up smoking, except when I quit smoking I felt like jumping off a cliff into a rocky ocean bottom and becoming one with the water as The Sound of Silence plays in the background.* Giving up caffeine is kind of more like me running into a brick wall and it hurts really bad, no soundtrack, no nice warm ocean water, just pain. Look for my book out called Million Little Pieces Part Two.

Because of my caffeine withdrawal I credit my most embarrassing moment which I no doubt will identify as my most embarrassing moment when I go back to giving a shit about things other than caffeine and pain. I was driving in my minivan yesterday when I got behind this slow car I mean resembling a funeral procession slow. I could not pass him due to all the other morons driving on the road at an abnormally slow rate. As I finally make my way around the driver I look out my window and mouth What The Fuck Asshole? (yeah seriously not my best moment but it was the addiction talking not nice sweet Sarah. I swear you don't wanna be around me when I haven't had any caffeine in two days its scary. Kind of like Amy Winehouse without a gin and tonic scary, but without the big hair, but with the smeared eyeliner and torn fishnets. ) So as I am mouthing those words to the driver I actually focus my blurring vision and realize that it is my pastor. The pastor I have very inappropriate dreams about. The pastor I haven't seen in two years because of my lack of faith and other heathonry I am involved in . He looks at me recognizes me, and then all his good thoughts about me I see dissolving into thin air as he realizes what I am saying to him. I am telling my pastor to fuck off. I am calling him an asshole. I see the hurt in his eyes as I speed off. It was not my best moment. Except there were no kids in the car so at least I might still be in the running for the Mother of The Year Trophy, which I think I should get anyway cause I bought about 100 boxes of Girl Scout cookies. But really only so I wouldn't have to sell any. I suck at being a salesman. I actually inadvertently convinced a friend of mine to buy an Audi instead of going to Eric's store to buy a Chevy. I have no idea how I lost that sale for him, but I guess its cause I am that good at sucking.

Then as I am slowly climbing out of my cuss the Pastor out hole. Thinking that I should be okay because I did in fact by 100 boxes of Girl Scout cookies and that has to count for something in god's eyes right? I think Jesus was a Boy Scout so maybe he can relate? The lady at Subway doesn't put my bacon on my roast beef sandwich. Which I should have taken as a sign from the group Save Sarah's Thighs and just been done with it, but no I had to rewait ( is that a word?)in line for another 5 minutes to get my sandwich as I mutter under my breath as I leave something along the lines of "What a bunch of fucking morons". Maybe I need to go back to church?

Then I get an email from my sgirlfriend who unbeknownist to me at the time started the begining of the email in the subject line. Please for the love of God if you do this STOP! Or else put a little disclaimer at the bottom of the message maybe somewhere along the lines of " Oh yeah I left all the important beginning of the invitation in the subject line so you may wanna go look up there and read it before you get totally confused and pissed off and write me an irritated email stating that you couldn't understand a word I wrote"

It is not a pretty site people! I am scaring myself. My kids are scared. the man at the gym at the front desk who I rely on for my daily 'Looking good Sarah' ignores me. Which I am usually a pretty confident person. And it is sad to say that I have pretty much come to rely on that guy for my shot of self confidence. Without it I just want to go home and put on my Walmart pants and pizza shirt** and crawl up in a corner and snort caffeine. It is a little bit pathetic.

They say any habit you are trying to break takes 21 days to kick. So I am holding out for day 21 and then see how bad I have gotten. I may need to be on Oprah with Lisa Ling when she outed that whole family that did heroine and then they got their kids taken away and sent off to separate rehabs.

*That was a scene from the best movie EVER Old School when Will Ferrel accidentally shoots himself in the neck with a tranquilizer gun.

**Pizza shirts are the waffle shirts that you can get anywhere that are best for eating/getting/ordering/spilling pizza on. You are welcome.

*** I totally am stealing the * idea throughout my post from Kurt. Cause he's cool and pretty much does Random Tuesday Thoughts every damn day and they rock, and I am pretty sure he gets to wear Walmart pants and pizza shirts daily and that brings him up a level in my book****

****For anyone that is wondering my book is pretty full right now, but I am still taking orders.

I know most of you are not going to believe that I gave up caffeine after reading this and some may even wonder if I have replaced Meth or crack, or speed for caffeine. But rest assured I am trying to detox my body of anything harmful so no drugs are being used at the moment. No animals were harmed in the making of this blog, only possibly the Pastor's believe in humanity and myself respect.

Random Thoughts Tuesday-Gettin Nothin But Static From Channel Z*

2009-03-10T00:01:00.001-05:00

Oh yeah its Tuesday again. Does the fact that Tuesdays keep coming around so quickly scare the shit out of anyone else but me?

Its been kind of a busy week in my house. Spring is kind of springing which means that everything I was putting off doing because it was cold out is slowly becoming a reality and I am running out of procrastination tools. My kids put a hole through my screen in one of my backroom windows during their fascination with the "guy in the forest". Serves me right for being proud that my kids had active imaginations or thinking that they were just plain little liar liar pants on fires. Their screams of "Mommy there is a man in our forest !!" Were met with my laughter. Ahh the beauty of children. My homeless man is but a memory, but the hole remains. I think I read that exact line on a fortune cookie one time.

I would now like to pay tribute to my new favorite girl crush Vic over What Were You Thinking? and her love hate relationship with flamingos. If you haven't been over to read her do it now. (Well after you finish this and make a wonderfully witty comment) Her blog is what my blog wants to be like when it grows up. Even though my blog is kind of a punk ass blog that goes to the Alternative High School and just got busted for smoking a joint behind the bleachers when it should have been in remedial Math so I don't hold much hope. But a blog can dream....

So here you go Vic, Flamingo Baby by the great Violent Femmes ( I couldn't find the video but the song is almost amazing) .

You're a flamingo
You stand on one leg
You're a flamingo baby
You hatched from an egg
Well you hold your foot up
So delicately over the sea
And when it comes down
It comes down on me
Well it used to want to hump you
I used to want to rock and roll
I was attracted to your gracefulness
But your surprise sure took it's toll
Now I guess I'd better go out now
Gonna try to find something new
And all I'm left with is this craving
For some flamingo stew
Now the beauty is in the gutter
The loveliness is off her throne
In the eyes of the beholder it's gone
And now he feels kind of alone
But this feeling it is the kind that will shortly pass
I'm gonna find myself another bird
And roll on down the grass

I have made up a new drinking game for when I am watching Big Love with my boyfriend.The rules are: I do a shot every time he asks me one of these questions:

"Do you think you will ever let me have two wives?

"So when you are at the gym soaping the other girls up in the shower, will you take pictures?"

"Why do all his wives have to have different houses? Why can't they all just share the same bed?"

Seriously, questions I hear every week. I don't get the fascination. Really? I mean I get the fascination with having sex with more than just one person, but more than one wife? I guess if your whole eternal position in the heavens depends upon it maybe but it just sounds like a big headache to me. So I am gonna get my fifth of Vodka and gear up tonight to get smashed. Maybe I will be more willing to agree to the threesome/naked soapy pictures/plural wives with some rum in me, but I doubt it.

Boobs too? What the hell? They are pieces of fat on my chest. Why why why the need to be touching them all the time? Men have nipples, men have pockets of fat on their chests ( some more than others) I mean why not play with your own? You don't see me
going around touching your penis all day now do you? ( I just laughed that I wrote penis. I think I really am a 12 year old boy at heart). I know the boob issue is a stupid age old question that I will no doubt get some emails with cyber dirty "duh" looks from the men. But that's the price I will have to pay to voice my concern. I am a citizen blogger after all. ( I really have no idea what that means except that I really don't have a whole lot to say this week so this whole post is a big stretch)

My son just came in my office and told me that he knows what hello is in Spanish and then saluted at me? He's gonna go far that one.

My two year old can't really talk yet, and his overzealous 6 year old sister is constantly trying to interpret his grunts and Japanese/Swahili sounding sounds.

This morning Nathan held his finger up to Sophie and says "bwhahtiff"

Sophie says "Oh Nathan you have a hangnail?"

He just stopped his babbling and looks at her and says:

"No! Where the fuck did you get that from? From me holding up my finger to your face? No I want a freakin cookie, when I hold up my finger and say bwhahtiff it means I want a god damn cookie!"

No he really didn't say that but that sure as hell would have been funnier than him screaming No at the top of his lungs now wouldn't it?

The idiot that ran into the ractrack Sunday to catch the runaway tire, made me think back to when my ex husband and I who was just my boyfriend at the time were moving across country to Seattle when somewhere in the middle of Montana I hear him say "Oh shit hold on" Not words you really wanna hear when you are just getting into your John Grisham book. I look up and out the side mirror only to see our tire bouncing down the interstate, never to be found. Yeah you know those turning points in relationships, the ones everyone should go through to see if you and your mate are compatible? Like taking a trip together? Or living together? Or losing a tire on the interstate together? Yeah well we failed all three. But yet we still got married and reproduced. ( I'm not claiming to be a wise man, thank god) On the plus side we got to spend three days in Bozeman Montana (God's country, which I think is on their license plates somewhere ,and where it is mandatory to say "Ahh Montana that's God's country there" at least once a day in that town)where there is no sales tax. That's me alright always seeing the glass half full I tell ya.

My house has been overrun with Girl Scout cookies. I was doing so well on my diet too and then those damn Thin Mints call to me at night. So if anyone would like some cookies just email me your address I will send you some. I promise I won't stalk you and camp out in your kid's playhouse. Cross my heart.

*The song in my title is Channel Z by the B52s. I am somewhat obsessed with their
music as of late and I have discovered that I can run a mile in the span of two Love Shack songs. Who would have thought that would have inspired me to run a 9 minute mile? So if you see me commenting on your page with B52s lyrics, well you're welcome.

This weeks Random Tuesdays Thoughts, well actually every Tuesday Random Thoughts has been brought to you by Keely over at The Un Mom another blogger I wish I had more time in the day to read more regularly. I need some blog fiber.

Happy Tuesday!

Music Memory Monday

2009-03-09T10:41:00.005-05:00

Now those of you that read my blog, or skim it, or just google the word Sarah, will someday figure out that I am a huge John Denver fan. Yeah I realize it's not that great for my street cred, even though I am pretty sure me claiming to have street cred takes my street cred down a couple of notches but I digress. I have loved him since I was a kid and saw him on The Muppet Show and fell hard for his mop hair and round glasses and his far out and groovy vernacular.

My screen name Everywhere is jdrules23, (even though I am 32 but I feel 23 and that is when I actually got a email address.Yeah whatever so I was behind the times). To further my street cred cred, if anyone asks me what it means I am not above lying to the cool kids and saying it stands for Jack Daniels, which ironically I am betting ole JD (John Denver) liked too in his day. The difference between him and I is that I don't drink Jack and Coke and then go and try and fly a homemade airplane... there was that one time I crashed my boyfriends model airplane, but that was vodka and cranberry juice, so really not the same.

When I was a Freshman in high school I was very very involved in my church's youth group. I was the only Freshman to earn the distinguished title of President in the youth groups whole history of elections. (Granted the elections had only been taking place for a year before I got there but really its all in the way you spin the story no?) Back then I had the kind of blind faith I am so envious of now. I would probably think they were full of shit and naive now. Back then,I was a great tribute to all things holy. My church worked with the local University and would go and do Bible Studies for college students and in turn ask for college students to come and help out with the Sunday night Youth Group meetings. Now being a 15 year old girl I was all for the hot college guys to come and help out, but really we mostly got girls.

The one boy/man that came and helped out for two years was named Jim. He was cute and smart and involved in the ROTC program that they used to offer and I lived right on campus practically so they would come and run by my house and I would join them on their excruciatingly long runs, pretending I was in shape and trying desperately to hide the fact that I felt like I was going to pass out. Since I was only 15 at the time I didn't drive (legally, another post) so Jim offered most Sundays to take me to the meetings and then back home again. Well really that's all I needed to fall helplessly in love with him and dream that I would one day be his wife, or lover. I mean just cause I believed in God back then didn't mean I was above letting the cute older boy feel me up. I mean it was in a church parking lot so that had to make it somewhat OK right? Yeah I thought so too.

Wow really long way a round to get to the point of this video huh?

So......as I waited for Jim to come and pick me up in his old blue Ford I would crank up This Ole Guitar and dance around my living room pretending Jim was singing that to me. Ahhh the naviety of youth. I miss being that stupid.

When school ended for the Summer Jim left and our "relatonship" ended. Turns out he left to go back to Indiana to be near his fiance coincidentally named Sarah. Yeah I am still nursing that wound. But Jack Daniels helps and so does John Denver!

Happy Monday!

For Music Memories check out Diane and Jori!

Sunday Shots

2009-03-08T14:57:00.022-05:00

Even though the shots I wish I was talking about involved tequila....

I have been trying to figure things out this weekend, mainly about school and life and love and the molecular configuration of a Twinkie, you know simple stuff. I am making some headway but it just makes me feel kind of like this:

Conversation with my four year old:

Me: Nick how many times do I have to tell you to leave my room?

Nick: Four times

Me: Leave my room. Leave my room. Leave my room. Leave my room.

Nick: Leaves the room.

Smartass kid. I have no idea where he gets it from?

Name that landmark:

and this one smartypants:

My beautiful kids

When Firetrucks Attack

Its a serious problem.

My scary kid.

Black and White Feet are the best.

This weekends forecast here in the Midwest was for rain...lots and lots o rain. So I decide to go and get my carwashed on Friday cause I'm smart like that and want to do my part in stimulating the economy by spending $9 at the Wash O Rama. Apart from probably traumatizing the little one(see below picture) we had a grand time saying good bye to the dirt and the bird poop. Watch and be entertained.

My Dad knowing and loving me anyway for my love of Cat Stevens music and coincidentally hammer dulcimer music,made this for me for my birthday.

Happy Sunday!

Thursday Thoughts-On the Gym

2009-03-05T13:28:00.007-06:00

Dear Random Gym Goer,

Do I happen to have a sign taped to my back that says "Crazies Welcome Here" with a target and an arrow sticking out of my spine? Does it look like from my face that I care about your trip to the Emergency Room? How you have seizures at any moment and I might need to hit your med alert button on your necklace if you have a seizure while next to me on the elliptical? When I move to avoid contact with you, you tell me that you can tell that I am loved, animals are drawn to me, but that I have trouble committing and that I really should go to church. (Cause God will help me commit?) Did my mother send you after me?

When I turn up Bruce really loud so your counting down from 60 every minute is drowned out, does it look like I want to be waved down and shouted at every 30 seconds that you are not leaving your machine and will be right back? That you just have to go the bathroom cause of those damn bran muffins your daughter brought over this morning? That's fine you can totally keep that to yourself and I wont feel like I am being deprived on anything I swear.

When asked if I knew what water fountain had the best water and if I could offer you any suggestions and I asked if I was being Punked, there was no need for you to get out your key chain with the mace on it. Jeez calm down.

Yes I realize that I made a poor clothing choice when going for the white t-shirt that basically gave everyone a free show when I am covered in sweat, and yes I realize that despite 4 pregnancies I do have fairly perky breasts, this really does not give you the right to stand in front of me and stare while I am running. I am not getting paid for you to stare at my boobs. Even if I was that would be weird since I am inside a gym and I might need to rethink my membership if they paid women to show men their tits while working out. On the other hand I could use some extra cash....hmmm.

And to the crazy cute guy that needs to watch Price As Right when he runs. I really am not working out behind you because I am in love with you as you may think. Nor is it to watch you lift your shirt up every 10 seconds to wipe the sweat out of your eyes. We get that you are crazy hot. I did not I repeat did not wear my white t-shirt for your benefit even though I do appreciate the thank-you while I walked past you, nor did I drop my cell phone on purpose so I could bend down to pick it up in front of you only to hear you tell me I have a nice ass. Seriously where do I work out at? A construction site?

To all the old men that want to tell me how low their blood pressure is and how their hemorrhoids are feeling better since starting at the gym and taking advantage of the whirlpool I thank you for controlling my after workout temptation at the vending machine. I have decided I need an old man to follow me around telling me all the details of the fluids that are at any given time leaking from the orfases of their body and I will be Mary Kate and Ashley like in no time.

To super hot woman who I thought I really liked and had just started to get over my urge to drown her in the kiddie pool, thanks for telling me you once weighed what I did and you had some of your old "fat jeans" (size 8) that you thought would look "wicked cool" on me and wanted to know if you could bring them next time. Watch your back bitch.

Love Your Faithful Membership Card Owner,

Sarah

On another note Diane over at Good Morning Glory has given me this awesome award.

And also I am her "Mourner of the Month" Go check her and her site out cause she rocks and I think for the first time in my life I find myself wishisg Detroit was closer to me so we could hang out and listen to righteous taste in music . Thanks Diane!

Happy Thursday.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-03-04T08:00:00.001-06:00

I am so proud.

I actually don't think that's his middle finger in the picture. It was either that or admitting that my son is a big fat nose picker. I choose to believe he was telling me to fuck off. I think the black and white tint gives it a nice artsy touch. Like he's telling me to fuck off in a French accent.

Random Tuesday Thoughts

2009-03-03T00:00:00.005-06:00

Random Tuesday Thoughts again. Is it just me, or am I just random? I am starting to rethink my reasoning for blogging in the first place and am considering taking up knitting or scrap booking, synchronized swimming perhaps.

I have about 15 different ideas of semi intelligent thoughts in my head but when I go to try and make a blog post about them it all comes out like this: blah blah blah blah I'm a little teacup short and stout here is my handle here is my spout blah blah blah. Seriously why can't I form a coherent post lately? Or ever? but lately I just haven't had my blogging mojo in tune. I think Stella took my groove and she isn't giving it back. I need my groove Stella. Damnit don't make me raise my voice.

I have discovered the most wonderful combination of two things ever! Dare I say the best thing since peanut butter and celery, apples and Martinis, woman with big
boobs and Chicken wings, yes it is that good! It is brilliant and I almost don't want to share my new found explosion of deliciousness with the world, but because I am just that nice and have nothing else to write about I will share. You will need a bag of jelly beans, not those spicy ones or jelly belly freaky tasting ones. The normal Easter is here jelly beans. Now we all know how much the purple and the red jelly beans rock right? Of course you do. Black licorice ones are only for when you're desperate for a sugar fix and the lemon ones are only for when you want to remember back to when you were 17 and got drunk on frozen lemonade and vodka, and the orange ones are good for bribing 2 year olds to go pee pee on the potty (seriously since becoming a parent I can't even remember the grown up word for potty. You can all feel sorry for me its okay). But what do you do with the rest of the flavors? I have found the perfect combination of jelly beans....ready? The pink ones and the green ones together in my mouth is pure happiness. Green and pink by themselves? Disgustingness. Together, lovely. Try it. You will thank me I guarantee it. You are so welcome.

Is it just me or did that paragraph sound like it was written by a 12 year old? No offense to the 12 year olds out there reading this who I am sure can write more
entertaining drivel then this. I had a comment on my last post about how I sounded pessimistic so I don't want to disappoint. Since I already pissed off the crack dealers I don't want to irritate the already irritated.

While spending an exciting Friday night at home this past weekend channel surfing and eating jelly beans I stumbled across the Animal Planet's show called Jockeys. Has anyone seen this television masterpiece? It is so exciting and it is really making me wish I was 9 inches shorter and about 70 pounds lighter and wasn't deathly afraid of horses. Or just that I really wanted to throw some of my money away on horses named Jockey Itch or Harry Trotter. I can't decide? I always thought of horse racing as seedy and shady and all the other words associated with gambling, but this show profiles the jockeys (they were pretty smart with the title) and how they are pretty much all multi million dollar athletes. Except if you don't win a race then you get paid in horse feed. This show is almost as good as The Mole Hunter.

I wish I was British and could go around sounding cool with my British accent saying things like holiday and sneaky and little bit. It just sounds so much better with a English accent. Come on try it, its fun.

Why can't divorces ever go smoothly? It took about 18 months from the time he left to the time we were actually divorced to get everything settled the way we both could agree on, and now he is being a total asshat again. The ex , since I am in school and not working at the moment, claims all four of the lovely offspring on his tax return and in turn is supposed to split the refund with me, till the youngest gets to Kindergarten or until I start working again. He told me a couple of weeks ago he was getting so much money wrote me the check and all was good right? Hell no. Because nothing can go that smoothly. I thinking he was up to his sneaky asshat ways looked up online how much of a refund he got and turns out the moron, I cant believe I actually was ever naked next to, messed up the tax return and he got $600 more than what he thought he was getting. I told him about his mishap but he wont give me the extra $300. Its all so immature and irritating I just want his head to explode. (Cause that is mature)

I bought a new kickboxing heavy bag today. To replace that sassy B.O.B. that hurt my knee. (that will show that plastic torso of a man who's boss) I am so excited to start kicking again since the only kickboxing class my gym offers involves combining martial arts with hip hop dancing and believe me No one wants to see me try to do that. So I decided my basement was as good a place as any to get my Hilary Swank(circa Million Dollar Baby) physique back (even though it was no where near Hilary Swank physique ever but it sounded good) Now I just have to figure out a way to get 250 pounds of sand in the base of the bag so it wont go sliding across the basement floor everytime I jab cross upper cut. ( I am so bad ass seriously stop me)

I spent Sunday with E and his 12 year old girls and I am so scared to become a mother one day to 12 year old girls its paralyzing. Even more than that I am petrified to be a stepmother to 12 year old girls who at any minute change their mood from "Oh my Gawd Sarah so and so is my BFF forever I love her" during a conversation to crying and hysterically telling me that they hate her guts and never want to see her for as long as they walk the Planet Earth. Holy hormones I was scared. To be completely honest I don't really like kids. I love my own but I am really thinking that's only because they came out of me. Other people's kids? Well they're cute and I love to hold babies and little kids are pretty cool cause you can eat a banana and they think you're hilarious but 12 year old girls? I'm scared.

Well that's about all the randomness this week. Check out Keely over at The UnMom for all her awesome random bloggers. And if anyone has seen my blogging groove can you please tell it to get it's ass back home, its been out way past its curfew. Thanks.

Happy Tuesday!

Random Word Generator

2009-02-24T07:54:00.023-06:00

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the Random horror! Seriously I do not just want to write

random things and post music videos for the rest of my blogging career do I? I read other bloggers and their tales of Grilled cheese Men and library books , interesting things like lawn Flamingos and scary clowns you know good shit like those guys. I have a bit of blogger envy at the moment since all I got is how I think I may be lactose intolerant and that would suck cause I love love love me some Lite Cool Whip, it tastes just like, well almost kind of, if you close your eyes and pretend, like vanilla ice cream and it only has 20 calories for every two tablespoons, which I know adds up when you sit there and eat the whole container but hell better than a whole container of ice cream.

I am tired I mean like I feel like I got hit by a Mac truck tired. I went to sleep last night at 10 PM which is probably normal civilized world bed time for most people but for me I am a night owl so to go to bed before midnight is like admitting that I am old. That I might miss something fun if I go to bed early, just like when I was a kid. I went to bed early and I am still tired this morning. If I was throwing up my Cheerios I may be worried I was pregnant but so far so good so lets just count that as a blessing.

I have been working out on this thing called the elliptical cross trainer at the gym, its like an elliptical machine but you kind of walk up instead of out. I love it, it is alot easier on my knees than running and lots of other good shit my brain cant wrap around the right words at the moment. So last night as I am falling asleep my brain goes to me on the elliptical machine and apparently in dream land I am a klutz cause I fell off it and did that whole seizure like jerking thing you do when you are between sleep and wake land. yeah good thing I was by myself cause I was even a little bit scared. .

This past weekend between my two daughters and my oldest son I had 5 birthday parties to go to! Which is just a pain. I have noticed this trend in my son's preschool lately with the birthday parties. On the invitation it says where the

party will be and what time and then at the bottom it says "Little Johnny has decided that in lieu of presents this year he would like his guests to make a donation to (insert charity of choice here) in his name" What the fuck? Little Johnny is 4 years old! What the hell kind of four year old says he doesn't want presents for his birthday?? I don't think its fair really. You know it was Johnny's pretentious snotty Mom who wanted people to think that they are better than you because they are teaching their son the meaning of the word compassion. Well good for them, but I bet you a million dollars the conversation went something like this :

Pretentious Mother: Little Johnny , how about this year instead of your little friends getting you presents we have them donate some money to the fire station instead?

Little Johnny: Hell no Mom you said I could have a Wii and a razor scooter and a hooker when I turned 4!!!

PM: Oh well don't worry Johnny your Daddy and I decided that we will still get you every single thing you wanted but we need to pretend that we care about other people so we need to make people think we donate some of our money to charity, so play along okay for mumsie??

Yeah I know I am sure that is not at all how it happens I am sure that my son would gladly give up his transformers to the local VW Hall so that their next singles mixers could have some punch.

Sorry I am bitchy when I am tired.

Koolaid is like wet flour when your two year old son spread it all over the back room and you are trying to clean it up for about 10 days and everything you touch keeps turning red. Do you think it is illegal to put him in a cage till he turns about 5 or 6? Yeah I thought so...

I got my first hate comment the other day. As previously mentioned I had the great honor to be featured over at Blogtations a site where they take nominated quotes from different blogs and post them on their site. Well GreenJello nominated one of my quotes from another one of my Random Tuesday posts it said this, "I have found the equivalent to legal crack, black tea... etc etc etc. Well I got a comment on their that said this: (now realize I can write this now and laugh but it almost made me cry when I read it the first time. Yeah yeah shut up I am a tad sensitive in my real life)

"You: I have found the equivalent to legal crack"

" Me: Fuck you, you offense piece of shit"

Now damn I can't figure out why people would get pissed at that?? I was talking
about black tea. I mean the only thing I can think of is that I pissed off the local crack dealer who lost some business to Lipton's when they read my post and thought "Black tea? Really? Like crack? I think I'll go check that out instead! Sorry Cockroach I don't need any crack today gonna go over to Krogers and get me some black tea. Yeah I read about on Sarah's blog." I mean that is how it happened in my head anyway. Someone suggested that maybe it was someone who was affected by crack? Whitney Houston perhaps? That would be cool if Whitney Houston read my blog! I called my four year old BOBBY all the time when he was little cause their reality show was on at the time and I am slightly demented.

Is it just me or do other people who watch House on a regular basis check to make sure there isn't any blood whenever they cough? Seriously that show is turning me more into a hypochondriac then I already was. Everyone starts out with coughing
blood then its all downhill from there unless you have House and his team. They always think its something easy like MS or cancer but then it turns out to be tapeworms or pretend pregnancies. I love that show. Hugh Laurie could take care of me anytime.

I have this problem (well one of many) that when someone says something a word or a phrase I immediately think of a song that has those words in it. Its slightly annoying to anyone who doesn't know me and only slightly less annoying to my friends who are forced to play along. Here is the conversation I had with my neighbor the other day.

Neighbor: Hey Sarah!

Me: Hey J! How are you?

Neighbor: Great! I just got back from the doctor.

Me: Oh yeah? Did he give you the news?

Neighbor: What? I mean yeah I guess. I have anemia.

Me: Does he have a bad case of loving you?

Neighbor: Well my doctor is a girl so I don' think she loves me, maybe as a patient but no...Do you think she loves me? Why what did you hear?

Me:I just heard that no pill will give her the cure.

Neighbor: slowly backing into the house and shutting the blinds realizing suddenly what I am doing.Possibly considering putting her house for sale but after realizing the failing economy decides to stick it out another year.

Me: Laughing like the dork that I am. I know I am sure you are all feeling sorry for me and my general lack of entertainment in my life that I have to stoop to acting like the village idiot, but you should try it sometime, its like crack (oh wait sorry angry commenter, I mean like sugar free gum)

I am in the car the other day telling my 3 oldest that they need to pick something to be in this Summer like soccer or softball, or dance lessons so I can sign them up for it before the classes fill up.

My 7 year old Lily says:

Lily: Mom I want to take aerobics class!

Me: Lily I don't think they make an aerobics class for 7 year olds.

Lily: Well can't you just tell them I am 8??

Me: Yeah Lily you only want to lie about your age being older than it really is ONLY until you're 21 then you can tell people you're younger. (Yeah I'm definitely gonna win Mom of the Year for that little life lesson)

Lily: OK Mom well then can I take cheer leading lessons.

Me: (Throwing up a tiny bit in my mouth) Sure honey whatever you want.

At the gym this weekend I saw a local news anchor. He stopped me at the water fountain and asked me if I was Sarah Superstar. Why yes I am Sarah Superstar I replied. He actually knew my Dad who is a somewhat semi known personality around Peoria. After he introduced himself and I told him I was a fan I did what I normally do when meeting someone that I have never met before...make an ass out of myself. I couldn't just have shook his hand and went on my merry way could I? Hell no what fun would that be?! I had to go and make a half hearted attempt at being funny. I said to him and I quote" Man you look taller in person" You see he sits at the news desk every night and I was you see trying to make the joke that he is taller in real life....yeah I think I scared him too. Lesson learned.

My second book club was Sunday night and let me just say it is soo much fun to just be around women. Intelligent funny women. I am by nature not a fan of hanging out
with women. I don't know what it is about me but women don't ever seem to like me, right away anyway. You know those girls at the gym or at school who are strangers before class and best friends an hour later?? Yeah not me. Never was me. Never will be me. I am content with my group of friends and never felt the need to be for lack of a better word overly "friendly" to strangers. These women though are genuine and I feel like I can talk and hang out with them and I feel comfortable with them, not like I am trying to be something I'm not. Which was the song I sang while I was with a pretty high powered man who had a lot of snooty high powered friends and I hated the thought that I was constantly being judged by what brand name my jeans were. These woman are successful and sane and normal and I totally heart them all because of that.

End ass kissing now.

Well that's all for the randomness this week. I have another 6 or 7 birthday parties this weekend and tonight is take out Chinese food with Eric and BIG LOVE!!!! I am only slightly more excited to see Eric than I am to watch that show, which we'll just keep our little secret k? Thanks! How could my life get any better???

Random Tuesday Thoughts is brought to you by Keely over at zthe Un Mom. Go check her out and all the other people that have joined this random cult I mean cool gang of bloggers.

Happy Tuesday!

Give Me the Beach Boys and Free My Soul I Wanna Get Lost In Your Rock and Roll....Come Sing It With Me I Know You Want To..

2009-02-20T08:00:00.014-06:00

...and drift away. Ohhhhhhhhhhh

Title has nothing to do with the post except that song is on and the Beach Boys are coming to Peoria and I am nothing if not a Beach Boy fan. Move over Jesse Katsopolis, Sarah is their number one fan. I am hoping to win tickets and then I won't be able to decide who to take and the Beach Boys themselves show up at my door and we jam in my living room and they end up taking my whole family to the concert where during the encore we are all called up on stage to sing Wouldn't It Be Nice. A girl can dream no? ( My daughters are obsessed with Full House and I am beginning to wonder if it is affecting my sanity watching so many episodes.If I start wearing legwarmers and scrunchies call that dude from Intervention.)

Just wanted to take the time to brag a bit, toot my own horn if you will. I have been pretty lazy as of late posting awards given and tags but this one was so cool I had to let the sunshine in. The brilliance that is GreenJello, which despite her picking the nastiest flavor of jello for her blog name, is an awesome blogger, nominated one of my lines of my blog to be on Blogtations and guess what? Yep they actually put it up there! So go on over there and check it out and then go on over to GreenJello and read her stuff she is totally awesome.

I also wanna give a shout out to a couple of bloggers who are just the bee's knees, the Cat's meow, the butter to a loaf of yummy Avanti's bread....bloggers who honestly I have no idea how long they have been around but they rock, seriously they rock the dance floor or the stripper pole or the metal cage. They are a couple of people new to my blog role but people I do a little dance of joy when I see they have written anything new. One of the people I stalk is Rooked who is just plain and simple an amazing writer, I actually read his posts from begining to the end and that's saying alot for me, since I usually read his stuff early in the morning when the caffeine is just kickin in and I start to shake a bit from the overload to my system. He can turn a post about homeless crazy people and tornadoes into a work of art. I am a fan. My other favorite blog of the moment is Angela over at My Bella Figlia . She takes awesome pictures of her (almost as cute as mine) kids. Her posts are heartfelt, funny and just plain good. So go over there and read her now!

This is kind of taking the place of my rules for getting the awards and since it has been quite a while and those bloggers that gave me the awards probably think I have forgotten about them I really haven't! I have just been busy with life and school and love, and also all my new magazine subscriptions just came in the mail and everyone has been neglected, so please forgive me.

I am off to go and workout. I actually met the gym goddess yesterday and she is really nice. Bitch! She asked me if I was a hairdresser. Which I get that question alot and despite really wanting to believe its because my hair is so awesome I know its because most women can only fathom a hairdresser wearing their hair so short. "I wish I could wear my hair like yours" Which is what the perfect girl told me as she took her waist length hair out of her ponytail and it literally bounced on her back as it glistened in the sunshine (and it rained yesterday) . I almost told her to shut the hell up but I just smiled and offered her a power bar. Cause I'm nice like that.

Happy Friday !

Everybody Get Random

2009-02-17T07:34:00.003-06:00

Tuesday again. My favorite day to be random. Coincidence? Oh I choose to believe hell no. Once again I will be writing all the random nothingness that has happened over the past week . I skipped last week cause I was kind of in a "I don't want to write another blog post in my life" funk. Which I snapped out of after I got some sugar in my system (damn diet).

Speaking of diets (man I am queen of a smooth transition no?) I was at the gym this morning and working out on the elliptical machine watching what else on my iPod but How I Met Your Mother (yes I'm still obsessed, I have 3 seasons to catch up on, and on yet another side note I think Neil Pattrick Harris aka Barney, is the voice of Aladin King of Thieves. Crazy huh?) when this woman/super model/bitch I wish would die gets on the machine next to me. I am assuming just to kill time till she gets to go make some other gym goer feel self conscious and fat because she has about a negative 3 on the body fat scale and is built like a god or goddess I should say. She is gorgeous I mean in that way in the movies when the girl walks in the room and everything goes to slow motion? Yeah that way. Then to make matters even more humiliating as I am sweating and huffing and puffing through resistance level 4 she pulls out these weights about 10 pounds each and starts swinging them back and forth as she climbs her skinny ass up the stair climber. Is it wrong that I wanted her to drop one of those weights on her foot? Is it wrong that I wanted to grab the weights from her and drop it on her foot myself? I would have too, but shit have you tried to be on an elliptical machine only using one hand? Yeah not pretty. She finishes her 30 minutes gets off the machine and sighs as she dabs the non existent sweat off of her face, meanwhile I am thinking they made the "towel off your machine after you are done" rule especially for me. And off she goes to get on the treadmill as men and women alike fall over themselves to make room for her. There should be a separate room at the gym for the people that have already achieved perfection. Damn I sound bitter. I should work on that, eh maybe tomorrow.

So this last week I have been feeling kind of like a cross between having a heart attack with chest pain and an elephant walking across me with back pain. Now me not being one to worry (oh my god I can barely write that sentence without laughing) was slowly freaking out that I am having a heart attack and also simultaneously freaking out that I am going to get sucked into the cult that is the chiropractic buisness. Since my usual ignore it till it goes away or kills you routine wasn't working I decided to go with all four kids (I'm a smart one see) to my local PromtCare office since it was Saturday. I realized I had never really heard of people surviving 5 day heart attacks and what the hell would I do if I was dead and my kids had to be raised by the sperm donor? We didn't have to wait long and surprisingly my kids were decent acting. Partly because I had an endless supply of Valentines Day candy in my purse I was bribing them with and partly because there was a man in there with an oxygen tank that was fairly amusing to my boys who thought (out loud naturally) that he looked like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (we just got the movie on Friday night, plus he actually did kind of resemble the red one). I get in there thinking surely they are going to send me to the ER since I say I am having chest pain and back pain. Nope didn't even blink an eye, either they were all too concerned about Valentine 's Day plans later that day or they just didn't care if I keeled over in their parking lot. The doctor finally came in and Hello Mr Doctor, It's me Sarah Just wanted to drop you a quick note and let you know that even though you are a doctor and I'll even give you a hot doctor, please please speak up when you are asking me questions. For the love of medicine. I can not hear you when my 6 year old, despite my death glares, thinks it's hilarious to repeat every single one of your questions to me. I didn't think you would have looked highly upon me if I stood up and beat her right there in the office now would you? Maybe it was funny to you to make me keep having to repeat "Excuse me" Or maybe your mother just taught you how to use your inside voice. But next time lets take it up just a notch? That would be great. Anyway after careful examination you said my right lung sounded a little "fuzzy" and that you would give me some antibiotics and you also thought that I may have a kidney stone from the back pain. Since I have had two excruciating (worse than child birth) kidney stones I really didn't want to tell you I thought your were full of shit right there, mainly cause my 6 year old would probably have repeated it, but I went along with your peeing in the cup and humored you when you thought there was blood in my urine (sorry for the visual) and nodded my head when you told me they would send it to the lab and get back with me. Then of course did the I told you so dance on Sunday when your office called me back to tell me it wasn't a kidney stone. ( I know I am That mature). So I am not dying and I thank you for easing my anxiety and also its so super cool that the antibiotics you prescribed are also used to treat malaria. I like a doctor that covers all the bases. You're loving patient, Sarah

You know what show I miss? Cheers. When I was in high school my best friend dated this guy who wasn't in high school and he lived with a bunch of his friends right behind our high school in this cool (and in cool I mean shitty and scary and gross,but there was no adults so cool) apartment that we would skip school and hang out at all the time. There was this guy that hung out there that later became my best friend's ex husband and he was a big time stoner guy. Some would say "big time stoner guy" is a mild understatement but for the sake of the story let's just say he was always stoned. Whenever he would walk into the apartment we would all yell his name. (like on Cheers, see I did have a point to this )He would laugh uncontrollably and then go pour a bowl of cereal and all was well with the world. I miss those days and that show..oh and Night Court, now that show kicked ass .

Who else out there is comin with me to call bullshit on Joaquin Phoenix's hip
hop career? Seriously come on? What's with the crazies that come along with growing facial hair? Do I need to remind you of Mel Gibson ? Beard=Crazy. Well except for Letterman he just looked hot. (Sorry it is what it is)

Since I am on the famous people section of this post, does anyone else think its a tad unfair for Micheal Phelps's to get his endorsement deals taken away just for smoking some pot? I mean how many women did he beat up? Rape? Impregnate? And how come NASCAR racers don't ever get caught doing stupid stuff? I mean beside eatingpossum and marrying their cousins? I kid I kid. Shake and Bake baby.

So I am now going to show you the most awesomest Valentine's Day gift I have ever received and I am pretty sure it trumps all your lame flowers and candy gifts too so prepare your self for its awesomeness. It is called the My-vu Crystal. What it is is these Space Trek Starship (sorry I don't follow sci-fi) looking glasses that you connect to your iPod and you can watch your favorite videos, TV shows, movies on what appears to be a 50 inch screen in the sky!! It is soo freakin cool. So now instead of straining to see a movie on my tiny iPod nano screen (which was also an awesome gift from the boyfriend for my birthday) I can now lay back in bed and watch it on a 50 inch virtual screen. Sooooo cool. Yeah he got an extra thank you that night if you know what I'm saying. Come on now high five! (sorry channeling Barney from HIMYM again. Damn media influence.). Yeah he is the best gift giver ever. So now I have to figure out a way I can wear these to the gym without someone calling the mother ship to take me away.

He also gave me a card. Not much you may think but I love me a good card and he has told me when I asked him where my Christmas card was that he was "not a card giver" So imagine my surprise when I not only got a card for the big V-Day but also a cute little poem he wrote in there for me. Yeah he's the best (have I said that yet) Oh god I am almost vomiting at the gushy romantic shit this section has been overwhelmed with so I am moving on...

So as much as I love all of my followers and by love I do mean love. I was
slightly confused at my last follower who appears to be affiliated with some sort of church. I am assuming they are following me because I quoted a Bible verse on my last post about love, not because of my post on anal sex and my love of porn and bondage. Oh did I just write that?Oops. I know get the basket ready for me to go to hell in. I heard heaven is too hard to keep clean and shiny all the time anyway.

OK Ladies I know you are gonna be jealous of where I get to go tomorrow. Ready for it? The Chicago auto show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woot! Boo Yaaa! Yay me and my awesome
trip tomorrow!! (Did you buy it? Was that enthusiasm genuine enough?) I am in love with a car guy. The dealership his Dad owns gave tickets to what I think is something like the second biggest car show on the planet ( I think Mercury has the biggest. All those space car prototypes are popular there) and my boyfriend scored two free tickets! And guess who he choose to take with him??? ME!!! Score!!! YES! I am the luckiest woman to walk the face of the stratosphere!!(Too much?) I am sure he will see lots of half naked women on cars, (Do they still do that at car shows?) and I am really hoping they serve beer there, alot of beer.

I used to love vanilla ice cream with raisins when I was a kid. Now um not so much. But I do love broccoli. What the hell happened?

One final note for all my Central Illinois readers just a warning....Avantis is Satan.If Satan was warm and gooey and covered with butter. It calls you in with its warm bread and butter that I can never find in the store that tastes the same, the friendly guy at the carry out, the Italian music, the crowded lines of high college students. You're in there innocently enough for a garden salad, no bread please . The salad that seems harmless enough till they accidentally give you an extra loaf of bread. And extra loaf on top of the half a loaf that it normally comes with it and I said I didn't want, the loaf that they refuse to take back after I point out I didn't order a full loaf of bread. Cause who is crazy enough to not want more of its carbolicios goodness? The bread I find myself eating, alone, in a dark living room, smearing on butter and drinking wine and watching The Food Network while apologizing to my thighs. Stupid, stupid, warm wonderfuly smelling stupid bread. ( I am stomping my feet, cursing my lack of willpower).

Well that's all I am sure that was plenty and my brain needs a rest or a Red Bull I can't decide. Random Tuesday Thoughts is brought to you by Keely over at The Un Mom. Go check her out and read up on all of the other random facts of life that are thrown up on all over the Internet today! Happy Tuesday!!!

All You Need

2009-02-12T15:35:00.000-06:00

Love ...These four little souls walking around in my life are like little pieces of my heart spit out to form a ball of tangled arms and legs and sweaty heads not fully comprehending the extent to which they make my life what it is. Love was something I never fully understood till I became a mom and all the fairy tale lust and desire and romantic love that I thought could sustain me was nothing like the bulldozer of emotions that were piled on top of my heart the day I found out I was going to be a mom. This kind of love is scary and lovely and frustrating and rewarding. It is the thought that they need me unlike any other person on this planet needs me, not just to feed them and clothe them but to give them love. There is nothing I want more In this world than to see them grow up, to be happy to be healthy, to love and be loved because there is absolutely nothing like it.

Love

Is

Patient.

Love

Kind.

Love

Does Not

Envy.

Love

Does Not

Boast.

Love

Is Not

Proud.

Love

Is Not

Rude.

Love

Is Not

Self-Seeking.

Love is Not Easily Angered.

Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs.

Love Does Not Delight In Evil.

Love Rejoices with the Truth.

Love Always Protects.

Love Always Trusts.

Love Always Hopes.

Love Always Perseveres.

Love Never Fails. . .

Three Things Will Remain:

Faith

Hope

and Love.

The Greatest Of These is Love.

This spin on all things love is brought to you by the Spin Cycle over at Sprite's Keeper . Check her out for more spins on love this Valentine's Day Week!! Happy Thursday!

Wordless

2009-02-07T15:49:00.005-06:00

Words that so easily come to my mouth aren't making their way to my fingers for some reason. I am blaming my birthday. I am 32 and no longer able to write a decent page of words. I even entertained the thought of posting some erotica I wrote back in college when I had a brief fling with my music teacher. Yeah I know my teacher, the married man of the kid I was babysitting, my therapist, I'm not proud. I am sure it all has to do with deep down wanting to only be with men who are unavailable. Maybe? Who the hell knows. I decided against posting it, it even though I am pretty sure the blogging world takes a small hiatus on the weekends, but I didn't want to freak anyone out or give any family members a heart attack if they were to ever stumble across this. Why couldn't I have dated a Philosophy teacher? I bet he would have inspired me to write really insightful things. Things I could have posted 12 years later when I had nothing to talk about on my blog. I should have planned better. Dammit.

So I'm here. I am cleaning and watching How I Met Your Mother, and am really glad I looked at the directions on the box of my "homemade" lasagna cause it takes two hours to cook instead of one. Hope everyone is having a great weekend!!!

My Wordless Wednesday

2009-02-04T11:21:00.003-06:00

Tuesday Random Tuesday

2009-02-03T08:00:00.001-06:00

I like that title better it reminds me of Sunday Bloody Sunday except happier and less bloody. But still with Bono and his sunglasses and the desert with a Joshua Tree in it. Damn my obsession with 80s music. I have been listening to The Clash like there is no tomorrow. Which just for the record if there was no tomorrow I would not be listening to The Clash. Maybe some New Order or some Violent Femmes.

It is that time again where every seven days I find all the random leftover stuff sitting around collecting dust in my brain and my notebooks, and voice mails, and emails, and instant messages, and matchbook covers, and cocktail napkins and write them all down to make way for all the really cool posts I will someday (mark my word) be able to think about writing since I have all that free space now.

This week has been somewhat of a let down as far as suckiness or awesomeness goes, it has kind of been mediocre. Nothing great happened but nothing terrible happened either, which makes for an okay week just not all that exciting writing. But I am me and I can ramble with the best of them so I am sure this post will be twice as long about three times the nothingness. So never fear. If nothing else I will just fill this post with pretty pictures to divert you from thinking that I really have nothing interesting to say this week...nothing...at all.

I am seriously considering canceling the water park vacation me and Eric have planned this Summer with all the kids and instead just save about a thousand bucks and take the kids to Wash O Rama. What is Wash O Rama you ask? Well I will tell you. It is only the coolest car wash ever, that your kids will either love (like mine) and squeal in delight every time the mention of a dirty car and the possibility of needing it to be washed comes up, or they will be petrified of the big brushes and creepy sunglassed man who scrubs down the mirrors and tires before you enter (like me). I got the same reaction today when I told the kids that we were going to the car wash that I did when I told them we were going on vacation to a ginormous indoor water park land of fun. Jumping up and down, smiling excitement. So I am thinking that instead of taking them to Disney World next year, I am just gonna take them to the mall and swing by the Disney Store. What do you think?

I am unloading my groceries last week when the phone company truck pulls up in front of my house. Now I immediately start to think of excuses to tell the man why he can't shut my phone off ( I mean the blogging should be reason enough, am I right?) But he isn't there to shut my phone off, he is there apparently to help me take my groceries out of my van and put them in my house? What the fuck phone man? I mean I appreciate your kindness but hello? Didn't they teach you anything in "How not to creep the single moms out" class? Try not coming in their house with their groceries when all they have to defend themselves with is a box of Coco Puffs. So I thank him and he tells me that he and his partner will be working on the phone lines later and I may want to shut my curtains if I am going to be in that back room.(my bedroom) Or not, he adds and he gave me one of those point and wink deals that made me vomit in my mouth a tad. Great I think, as I remember the last time they were back there unannounced as I came walking into my bedroom from taking a shower sans clothes and I look up to see the phone man on a ladder staring at me giving me the thumbs up.

My backyard is wooded so I don't have any neighbors back there so why the hell would I feel the need to cover my windows while I am changing or whatever. So now I have to look out for crazy homeless guy wandering around my kid's playhouse looking for a place to sleep and now pervy phone man looking in my windows. I am beginning to wonder about the actual need for repairmen in my backyard or if they just want a free show? Or maybe I need to buy a robe?

I am now an official gym member. I have the little scan card on my key chain to prove it too. I even went to a class last night. Now I have to say that I have now learned what true humiliation feels like and its not pretty. I am not really coordinated, which by not really coordinated I mean I have trouble doing anything that involves two things at once. For example kicking and moving my arms up and down which is what we had to do in my BODY ATTACK ( I capitalized the letters because whenever the instructor would say BODY ATTACK she would scream it at the top of her lungs, nice huh?) class. So me being the good student that I am go up front so I can see the instructor since I am new and I don't know any of the moves yet. Which really there is alot of jumping. Is that necessary? Seriously? Jumping? So anyway as I am trying to do my thing arm, kick, jump, arm kick, jump, now me move to the right or uh is it left, the instructor asks me if I will go further in the back since I am fucking up all the good people that were actually born with at least one bone of rhythm in their bodies. . Yeah I guess she did actually say it nicer than that , but I still called her a bitch under my breath and took my place in the back of the gym with my proverbial tail between my legs.

So if anyone wants to go to the gym with me, please come. I have a serious issue with doing anything by myself or going anywhere where I don't know anyone. So this is a big step for me.I have realized the gym is kind of like high school and it kind of just makes me want to stand in a corner and smoke a cigarette.

So you wanna know my new found obsession? How I Met Your Mother. I have heard some bloggers and real life people talking about this show and I had watched it a little bit back in the beginning but kind of phased it out of my DVR schedule, until this weekend when the angels sang and that show was brought to me. How could I have not recognized its brilliance before? Even though all I see when I look at Marshall is his penis (from Forgetting Sarah Marshall). The show is hilarious and real I so had a friend like Barney when I was in high school, annoying but fun, an asshole, but really a sweet person underneath, and I secretly wanted to date him even though he was gay. Kind of like the real life Barney. Very cool show.

My birthday is tomorrow I will be turning 32. So if you don't hear or read from me in awhile it will because I have fallen into a great deep depression about turning another year older. And no I don't care that I actually made it till 32, or that I am lucky that I have accomplished all that I have in these 32 years, or that I should appreciate and cherish every year, or my favorite, well the alternative isn't that great, or aging is better than the alternative (death) Shut up with that bullshit. I really don't want to get older.Maybe I should be watching more Oprah? So if any of you are out and about and want to make the trip over to the exciting town of Kewanne on Wednesday night , which is where I get to spend my birthday and wanna stop by for a beer let me know!

Random thoughts Tuesdays has been brought to you by Keely over at The Un Mom . Go check her out and visit some other blogs full of randomness. I promise it will be fun!

Music Memory Monday

2009-02-02T07:47:00.009-06:00

"I've never been to Vegas, but I've gambled with my life."

Best line ever in a song. Ryan Adams is an awesome musician and Heartbreaker is probably his best album. There are so many cool songs on here that its almost sinful. I love Oh My Sweet Carolina the best cause it is sweet and simple and he duets with Emmy Lou Harris who's voice makes me think of my childhood.

I mainly run to hard core industrial or punk music but I have just started listening to some of Adam's mellower music to run to and it slows my breathing down and somehow I run faster when I have him singing in my ears. His other albums are more rock and roll more of a faster tempo, but his range from rock, to country, to mellow almost easy listening music is amazing. As my little sister put it, the man has the ability to put more words into any line of a song than anyone you have ever heard. He is just awesome.

Music Memory Monday is brought to you by Diane over at Good Morning Glory and by Jeff and Me + Three . Go check them out for more music memories and while you're there share your own!

Happy Monday!

Friday Fotos and Some Awards

2009-01-30T11:12:00.015-06:00

Since I didn't do wordless Wednesday this week I will post some pics today since I don't, as usual have a whole lot of interesting things to say today. Except I will throw this out there.... Cat Stevens rules. I mean he just rules. Why did he have to go and change his name to Yusluf and get kicked out of England? And what the hell is a Mona Bone Jackon? It just sounds dirty. I think I am officially iTunes' bitch since I had all good intent to go and by the theme song from House (Ministry by the way) and spend exactly 99 cents but then in the recommendations was Cat Stevens?...hmmm I don't really get that but being someone who has little or no will power I ended up spending $30 on the Cat Stevens Box Set. Now I wanna get on the peace train and maybe live in a wigwam..I don't know I'm all confused. Curse you iTunes (picture me shaking my fist at the Apple logo).

Ok here are some of my favorite pics of this fall we were all over at E's mom's house painting pumpkins and eating lots and lots of food. All the while the big kids were painting my almost two year old's face. I joked on a previous post that this will be the picture that the prosecutor blows up as justification for why he chose to bludgeon me to death in my sleep, probably with a pumpkin, or a paint brush.

I laugh every time I see that...He hates me.

The next pic is on of me and my sister. Back when I was young and blond and tan.We used to try and see how far we could swing the porch swing before our Mom would start to yell. Nothing like the adrenaline rush of feeling like you might at any moment single handily bring down the house with a pump of your feet.

I realized I don't put pics of Sophie up very much, just adding to her belief that everyone else is loved more than her, so I thought I would put this one of the three oldest but Sophie is actually looking at the camera. I love pictures of people's backs and feet. This was taken over the Summer ...is it Summer yet??

I also love this picture of Lily and Nick, she barely wants to brush elbows with him at the dinner table but I know they will love each other one day. Or not....but I will always have this picture to remember how I bribed her to look like she loved him.

I also have been the recipient of two great awards from two great bloggers. So thank you thank you thank you. I have been slow to post them up here but I am loving them all the same. If I could figure out how to put them on the side of my blog I would but I really just figured out how to post in the future ...which is so cool. Now I don't have to pay the neighbor kid to come over here and hit "publish post" for me anymore!

The first one is from Diane over at Good Morning Glory, there are rules about having to name 10 honest things about myself but I think I gave you about 100 yesterday so stop being so greedy. Also I would pass it along but I love you all. really I do all the same.

The next one I got is from Life on the Goo Goo Ga Ga . I love to say that title out loud. She also gave me a great award that doesn't have any rules except to pass it along to other fellow bloggers , and like I said I have enough trouble trying to get my kids to believe I love them all the same but for different reasons so I am not even gonna attempt it here. Thanks ladies! If you all haven't been over there go now and check out their sites!!

Happy Weekend!!!

100th Post

2009-01-29T10:27:00.004-06:00

Well today is my 100th post. I am pretty much positive this means I have way to much time on my hands or I am greatly ignoring things I shouldn't be. At any rate I am very thankful that people are actually reading what I write and I love this forum to express the things I would just normally talk to myself about. This makes me look slightly less crazy.

I thought about not doing the 100 things about me list that people do but then I didn't really have any other ideas so here we go. There will be a test at the end so don't cheat and skip to the last one and comment on that one! I am on to you and your slacker ways!

1. I never wanted kids.

2. I can not imagine what I would be like them now 7 years later.

3.I shoplifted once (or twice) in high school, and I got caught by a friend's Mom who told she wouldn't report me if I promised her I would never do it again.

4. I was an active member in my church's youth group during my teenage years.

5. I haven't been to church in two years.

6. I miss having something to believe in.

7. I envy the people who can have faith without questions or doubt.

8. I used to have bleach blond hair.

9. I was voted Most Environmental in high school.

10. I got my hand caught in an escalator when I was little.

11. I have the scar on the side of my hand to prove it.

12. I used to have a very bad temper.

13. I smashed my ex's guitar.

14. In my defense he called me a bitch cause his dinner wasn't ready when he got home from work that night.

15. He is gone and my temper is alot better now...go figure.

16. I lived in Seattle for two years.

17. It was the worst two years of my life.

18. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

19. I am sad that I won't be able to have any more kids.

20. I want to be a foster parent one day.

21. I am deathly afraid of getting old.

22. I cried the day John Ritter and Tim Russert died.

23. The song Sympathy for the Devil by The Rolling Stones scares the shit out of me.

24. So does Edward Norton.

25. I love john Denver, The Clash and Bob Seager.

26. I had a huge crush on Bob from Sesame Street.

27. On Linda too , the actress that was deaf.

28. That's how I knew I wanted to learn sign language.

29. I am a perfectionist.

30. Which is really annoying.

31. I can lick my elbows.

32. I suck at Math.

33. My favorite fruits are blueberries, grapes, and strawberries.

34. My favorite vegetables are broccoli and mushrooms.

35. I love the heels of bread.

36. I won't dance in public.

37. I hate clubs.

38. I love dive bars.

39. The fist concert I went to was Raffi and I think he was staring at me.

40. I am so into fat, bald, biker, men.

41. I am madly in love with a tall preppy salesman.

42. I can't whistle.

43. I love to vacuum.

44. and mow the lawn.

45. I have been told I sound snotty when I talk.

46. I'm really not.

47. Most of the time.

48. In exactly one week I will turn 32 years old.

49. You'll probably find me under the covers with a bottle of Whiskey listening to Pasty Kline.

50. I hate chocolate.

44. I love summertime

45. and grill out

46. and beer

47 and sunsets.

48. My eyes are glossing over....damn this is alot of shit to think about...

49. I am a bit of a control freak.

50. I don't have a lot of patience.

51. I am fiercely loyal to the people I love.

52. I sat on the family bird when I was 7 and it killed her.

53. Don't laugh that was sad.

54. OK you can laugh a little bit.

55. I had a miscarriage and I lost a baby in the span of 2 years and I thought I would go insane with grief.

56. I almost did.

57. Running saved my life.

58. I tend to over analyze things.

59. I hate camping.

60. I think men with glasses are sexy.

61. I think men lots of muscles are gross.

62. I love Bob Dylan

63. and Neil Young.

64. If I watch the Wiggles one more time I think I might knock something over...hard

65. I think the Red Wiggle is kind of hot.

66. I am pretty sure the Purple Wiggle is pervert.

67. I love wikipedia.

68. and youtube.

69. I liked Van Halen with Sammy Hager better than with David Lee Roth (don't hate)

70. I can play the piano.

71. I love board games.

72. I never carry cash.

73. Everytime I buy a new shirt I buy socks that match.

74. I can't play poker.

75. I can almost always know when someone is lying.

76. I love Texas Rummy.

77. I hate Rum.

78. I once called a girl fat in 5th grade, she told the teacher and he threatened to wash my mouth out with soap.

79. Years later she was my teaching assistant .

80. The best one I have ever had.

81. I apologized for calling her fat.

82. She forgave me.

83. The worst thing I have ever done, was sleep with the Dad of a kid I was babysitting.

84. He called me and told me he was leaving his wife, and that he was in love with me.

85 I never went back to babysit.

86. I played basketball in grade school.

87. I wanted to joining the swim team in high school.

88. But I was too afraid to learn how to do the flip at the end of the lane.

89. Anyone still here????

90. Really?

91. I love the smell of cigarettes, beer and grease.

92. Preferably on a man.

93. I can drive a stick.

94. But I don't now cause I drive a mini van.

95. I still think I am too young to drive a van

96. or be a parent.

97. I love denial.

98. I hate roller coasters

99. but love water slides.

100. I love to finish things

Whew, I am glad that is over with.

Well I am raising my imaginary shot glass in a toast to all my bloggy friends, for reading, for emailing, for commenting, and for laughing at me as well as with me I am sure. . Thank you so much for reading and here's to one hundred more.

My Very Very Wordful Wednesday

2009-01-28T09:13:00.008-06:00

Usually I post a picture on Wednesday, put a pithy little comment in the title area and go on about my day, but sadly my computer ate all my pictures last week. I'm not sure what happened it may or may not have been the porn that may or may not have been downloaded on it, but that's still up for debate. Or is it?? I am confusing myself. Anyway so all my pictures are backed up on disks somewhere but I can't find the disks at the moment so have decided to do an entirely different post. Really probably didn't have to explain that to everyone but I am hungover in a big way. (Yes I am slightly ashamed I am hungover on a Wednesday, don't judge)

So....I am a great believer in online dating. I should be its poster child, well not child since that is an entirely different sort of online dating, I should be its poster young but not to young woman. I loved it when I was single. It was like window shopping. Yes I realize that I may have just compared the men I went out with to shoes but they were almost as enjoyable. I loved being able to talk to someone either online or over the phone and then see what they were actually like in real life. I was really lucky and met some amazing smart, funny, good looking men online. Yes I did meet some that wanted to become a woman (but only the boob part, he still wanted to keep his penis) And some that claimed to run illegal counterfeit operations with the Chicago police department, but on the whole I got pretty good at weeding out the crazies and getting to the really good men.

Now I don't know how many of you who read this are single out there, but during my time as an Internet dater I compiled a list of a sort of "code" my girlfriends and I picked up on, on what the men would tell us and what it really meant. So consider this my public service announcement to you single ladies and men too out there who might be considering online dating. Again you're welcome.
The first one is what they say the second thing is usually what it means.

Intelligent ... College dropout.
Fun ... Annoying.
Spontaneous ... Never around much .
Affectionate ...Clings like Glad wrap.
Adventurous ... Is part of a para-military group.
Likes Sports ...Watches a 30 second bit on TV once a year.

Enjoys working out ...Compulsive liar and in denial
Hard Working ... No time for dates longer than 15 minutes.
Enjoys finer things in life ...with you and half the female population.
Very Romantic ... Thinks relationships are just like in the movies, and by movies I mean porn.

Divorced ... Four times and counting or just separated, or in some cases still married.
Easy going ...Control freak.
Enjoys family get togethers...Spazzed out and threw pizza at everyone at the last one. Driven...Drinks lattes by the gallon and talks way too fast. Or is on meth (he was sweet though).
Caring...donated $1 to some cult group 15 years ago

Environmentally conscious...Drives the "small" Hummer.
Emotionally Stable...As long as the meds keep working.
Doesn't want a serious relationship...Wants to sleep with you and still see whats out there...to sleep with.
Won't settle...Will be single at 90 and still placing personal ads (not there's anything wrong with that).
Happy...As long as the meds keep working.

Competitive...Nothing you say will ever be right...EVER.
Kind...Petted a rabbit at the pet store once in 1972.
Enjoys Outdoors...Lived in a tree for 2 years in protest of logging companies.
Frugal... Lives with parents.
Open minded...goes to swinger conventions.

Shy...Always worried that you are an undercover cop.
Doesn't like to get their picture taken ...They have no front teeth. (I never would have guessed from his picture either)
Self-Employed ... Unemployed. Or a drug dealer...usually a drug dealer.
Enjoys biking...They have 2 DUI's and legally cannot drive.
Doesn't drink... Their liver is failing.

Looks are not important...OH YES THEY ARE.
Non-judgemental ...Participates in weekend orgies at hotels.
Lives on the edge...One step away from prison time.
Honest...Only when they're found out.
Vegetarian...That eats chicken and fish.

Independent...Still takes laundry home and mom cleans the house.
Attractive...Only to themselves and mom.
Likes to Cook ... Has a really good recipe for crockpot pigeon. (This one's my favorite)
Likes to visit Chicago...To launder money for the mob.
Enjoys women who wear sexy underwear...He wants to become a womenand is hoping you are his size so he can borrow some.

Hope this has helped. Have a great Wednesday!!!

Random Thoughts Tuesday

2009-01-27T08:28:00.001-06:00

I have been thinking about changing the name of my blog to Random Thoughts All Damn Week, or That's What She Said, or Who Gives a Shit, or Be Quiet Mommy is Trying to Sleep, What do you Mean You're Hungry? Get Your Own Damn Breakfast. But I knew I would regret it. I'm just grouchy and tired.

Time for my post of all things random and all things taking up space in my brain so I need to hurry out and get all this stuff down on cyber-paper before I forget my name.Brought to you by Keely over at the Un Mom. Check out her site with the list of all us random souls.

This week has been hell. H. E. Double hockey sticks. Hell. Really the whole month of January has pretty much been chewing me up and spitting me back out, right in the eye, and it stings, and makes my eye water, and then my mascara runs...um yeah that's all I got. But come the fuck on February. I think I should make a bummer sticker that says that. January blows chunks of Cheerios, all over my favorite sweater.

Eric and I as previously mentioned on this blog have not had the best of weeks. Well he is fine I haven't been. I was the one that quite honestly couldn't get over his past. The things he has done and the things that he told me because I asked. The things that Cosmo tells you to never ask a man and the things it tells the man to never answer if a woman asks them those questions I did and he did, and I think, well I know it was influencing the way I saw him as he is now and that's not really fair to him or me . His past was messin with our future and I was having none of that so I went and kicked the pasts ass and I think I am alright now.

I went to a book club Sunday night. My first ever, with 5 other women I have never met before, but kind of in a stalkery way felt like I knew them all already, and I was sitting there listening to my 5 new best friends talk (too forward?) and I realized something, like a freakin light bulb went off in my overloaded brain....We are all really different people now than who we were 5 years ago, or 10 years ago, or shit even 6 months ago, some more than others but I shouldn't let that get in my way of being really happy and optimistic about our relationship. I think if I had
learned that bit of wisdom a week earlier I wouldn't have flipped out over the whole he's 40 not 39 thing. Well maybe not as much.So I am going to as the saying goesLet go and Let God or perhaps let go and let dead Bob Marley ghost...whatever same difference right?

I was listening to a radio station online the other day and it listed who was singing and the name of the song, and Paul McCartney's song Man On the Run was playing and the screen said it wasn't "Man On the Run" but "Band On the Run"??? Do you know how much that disapointed me that it wasent man on the run? I for years have pictured a young Paul (Abby Road days)running away from some jilted lover. Then he got lost and Sailor Sud and Jailor Judd were searching ever more for the man on the run (or whatever that lyric is) Now all I see are four fat old guys carrying guitar cases running down the interstate.

Word to the wise don't use mouthwash to clean off your windshield when you are driving behind a snow plow and it is throwing snow back onto your car windshield that won't melt and so you are now just driving on sonar, because the dumbasses at the oil change place put water instead of windshield washer fluid in your van and it freezes everytime it gets colder than 70 degrees outside. Cause the mouthwash doesn't evaporate all that well, but your car smells nice and minty, which is a good thing since you just found an old package of lunch meat in your back seat that must have fallen out of the grocery sack sometime last Spring and you were just starting to was wonder if there was a dead mouse or possum stuck under your floor boards. Gross.

My English class is sucking every imaginable moment of my free life slowly away from my grasp. It is overwhelming and I seriously just want to say screw college and go be a roller derby queen. (love that Jim Croce song...remember that one?) My daughter is having a roller skating unit in her gym class and being the awesome parent I sometimes make myself be I volunteered to help. I was the only parent to

come...pussies! It is so much fun and I so want to go rolling around the gym knockin out second graders...Is that wrong? I think my roller derby name will be Sarah Tripabitch.

Why the hell am I getting a yellow word in my posts? Can't you people tell by now I don't use spell check??

Last week I made a big poster board poster of my house rules. Because my seven year old is getting a mean case of the "two smart ass for her own good", ironically I am also coming down with a case of "Payback's a bitch", but I digress. So I made the rules and things are going pretty well with the no screaming, no whining, no biting , no throwing food (And those are just for me. Ha!! Thank you very much I'll be here all week) until I started getting a little bit confused on how to discipline each of the kids. Up until now it is all pretty across the board no matter the age but since the girls are getting older and completely know better I was at a impasse until I watched The Office and heard Dwight's song for following the rules, sung to the tune of Three Blind Mice:

Learn Your rules
Learn Your Rules
If You Don't
You'll Be Eaten In Your Sleep

I love The Office. And yes I realize that totally wasent at all funny unless you watch the show.

Alright that's about all I can stomach for now. I am off to go work on my paper that has to be about a significant moment in my life. If anyone has any significant events they would like me to pretend actually happened to me I am taking suggestions.

Happy Tuesday

Music Memory Monday

2009-01-26T08:11:00.009-06:00

Oh Yeah its that time again. Go on over to Diane at Good Morning Glory and Jeff and Me Plus Three's site and check out all the other people who play along on Mondays.

This week I was lazy and I put a Sex Pistols video up cause who doesn't think the Sex Pistols don't do anything but sing like angels? Anarchy in the UK. I love all their songs this one gets stuck in my head for days on end. I really don't understand why paperclip earrings didn't catch on?

I love Neil Young and absolutely love that he said Johnny Rotten's name in his song Hey Hey My My. I was kind of partial to Sid Vicious myself but I love a drug addict with a tragic end, call me crazy. I am trying to get Neil to read my blog and do a song about a girl named Sarah. But not on one of those "the whole album tells a story songs", a whole song just dedicated to me. Yeah I know I won't hold my breath.

The Sex Pistols were just cool when I was a kid. I was a high school student of the 90s where my love of music really started and thank god for Jimmy C. who turned me on to these guys while trying his best to get to second base.

Happy Monday!

What Day Is It Again?

2009-01-23T11:13:00.006-06:00

I was thinking about doing some sort of quirky post dedicated to all things Thursday when I realized it was Friday. Shit! I hate when that happens. I guess its cool since Saturday is tomorrow and the kids are going to a sleepover at Grandpa's while we live it up in P-town (she says laughing hysterically) but also kind of scary. I think I may have talked too badly about the Mormons and they have sent their henchmen to erase days from my memory. I did see a huge Hummer drive by my house a couple of times last night. From now on I will whisper anything about the polygamists in Big Love and only to very special people who probably don't have any mind altering chemicals in their ears.

I think Random Thoughts Tuesday should be every damn day since I really have nothing to talk about but randomness.

My son is at this moment trying to get the fruit roll up stuck on his bottom teeth off and he is about 30 seconds from meltdown mode. Hold on while I go get my camera k?

Guess who's going to Seattle in May? Come on guess...no not Ricky Martin, who would say that? Me me me!! I am going! I found a deal, well actually my step mom found a deal on tickets and I just happened to be talking to my Dad who told me they were going to fly to Seattle for the weekend to visit my sister, for $150 round trip! Seriously too good a deal to pass up right? My sister lives in the city and my mom has a house in Granite Falls.

I call Eric up and see if he wants to fly there with me for a long weekend during the two weeks the sperm donor has the kids in May. He would love to go and he just had to see about getting the days off work. He calls me this morning tells me to book the trip, I go online $270. God damn my luck. But still pretty cheap and we're going to go anyway . I have never seen my Mom's house and would love to see Seattle with Eric instead of four screaming kids, even though I am sure that would be just as much fun traveling on an airplane with four kids under 7 and staying with my Mom for a week yeah almost just the same.

Side note: Thanks to all of you who helped me out with the boyfriend (lying rat bastard)episode yesterday. I took all your comments seriously, well except for a few...you know who you are. I talked to him about it last night, again, and he made me feel better I think I was just looking for him to tell me something that made me feel better about his mistake. I told him I felt like a fool similar I explained to when women walk around a dinner party talking about what a wonderful marriage they have, when secretly all the women there have slept with her husband. (I mean I am not comparing having an affair with telling me he's 39 instead of 40, but you get the picture, and so did he) So I may be stupid and all you women out there might be shaking your head at me mumuring how you cant wait to tell me I told you so at a later date. But I forgave him. I laid down the law and told him, If you lie to me again I will cut your balls off and feed them to your ex wife's dog." (No not really I think I saw that on the Sopranos ) I just told him that he hurt my feelings and it was such a stupid thing to lie about (or joke about) He apologized and will now be my slave for the next several weeks. Yeah he's kinky like that.

I decided that if Eric can tell people that he is 39 then I'm going to start telling people I am 5'11 and weigh 110 pounds. Same retarded and immature concept right? So you can call me Natasha from now on. Thanks.

Did anyone see Joe Biden's son? He is kind of hot. And his wife has killer freakin legs I wonder who her trainer is? You think this will put be on some sort of government watch list for commenting on the VP's wife and his son? Yeah probably not.

I don't want to scare any of you guys out there but quite possibly I may have had a curse put on me at Walmart this week in Kewanee. There was this man who kind of looked like Bob Marley but you know alive, hmm or maybe I saw Bob Marley's ghost? Anyway as I was looking for pesto sauce this man comes up to me and asks me how he can get the donuts out of the container? Huh? We are in the pasta aisle dude. So I told him first thing he is gonna want to do is go to the bakery. He stops turns around and says sometime in some sort of voodoo tongue and then turns me around and mumbles something about a camel's hair and salt.

I shit you not.

I turn around and ask him what he said and he says. "In these days its hard telling what I said."
To which I reply "For real?" The he told me he was hungry and went up in a puff of smoke. No not really he left saying something about how he can't find any good coffee in Kewanee.

So seriously I am thinking some sort of curse is over me and have been looking for some sort of sign in my tea leaves. Have been knocking on wood and making sure I have someone say "Bless You" every time I sneeze. Just to be on the safe side. Did you know that people started to say God bless you when other people would sneeze in case they died during the sneeze? So I am just covering all my basis. Crazy ass Walmart people.

Well I am off to go and do some cleaning. I just stepped in some peanut butter in my bathroom and that is usually a sign that I need to bust out the ole mop and bucket. I hope you all have a great weekend!!!

Help! I Need Someone...

2009-01-22T09:07:00.004-06:00

I need your help. I am confused and torn and sad and hurt and thinking maybe I shouldn't feel like this but I can't help it. Know that I don't make it a habit of talking about anything that has to do with my relationship. It is a wonderful relationship for the most part. He is loving and kind and blah blah blah all those things that make a good person.

I found something out last night he lied to me about his age. It is only by one year. He is 40 he told me he was 39. So big deal right? I can't get it out of my head that he lied about it. He tells me that he decided that he was always going to be 39, which when we met he told me he was 39 so I just assumed that this year on his birthday he would be 40, but I would play along with his little game and pretend he was only 39. Well turns out he has been doing that now for a couple of years. WTF? I have talked about his birthday alot because he told me when he graduated from high school, which he lied about cause he had to adjust for that extra year, we talked about the actual year he was born in cause I said it would have been cool to be born in 1969. Well he was born in 1968.

I couldn't sleep last night thinking about all this. I don't usually air my dirty laundry, but since this is relatively minor on the things that he could have done I thought it would be aright, plus I need someone out there to tell me that I am overreacting or not overreacting. I have a trust issue, I am sure having to do with some Daddy issues and the fact that my ex husband just up and left one day without a warning or a particular reason. I met Eric and he owns a car dealership which I tease him about all the time and tell him I can't believe I fell in love with a car salesman. My best friend 's father was a salesman and we were forever catching him with other women growing up and treating her mom like shit, so stereotype or not I have always had that image of what I thought a car salesman would be like. And yes E does have a past. like we all do, I just guess I was naive enough to think that he wouldn't lie to me about something so stupid.

He said he was going to tell me when we first started dating then he just forgot and didn't want to rock the boat. I hate when people say that. He told me he always would tell me "I am never going to be 40" and that saying that meant that he didn't lie that he was just in his head never going to be 40 he would always tell people he was 39. Come on! Despite the fact of the obvious insecurity issues he has about getting older,(like we all have to some extent) why didn't he tell me?

I needed this outlet to tell my bloggy friends that my boyfriend lied to me. tell me what to do? Do you think this means he lies about other things? Or will lie? Or am I making too big a deal out of this? I didn't get to run yesterday cause I forgot my shoes in Peoria and I am at his house, so maybe that is it. Come on you amateur therapists out there HELP!

My Wordless Wednesday

2009-01-21T15:48:00.002-06:00

"I have spread my dreams under your feet"~~Yeats

Random Tuesday Thoughts

2009-01-20T08:30:00.006-06:00

Once again its time for you all to have the distinct pleasure of reading.or um skimming my diarrhea of the keyboard on Random Tuesday Thoughts. Brought to you once again by Keely at The Un Mom. Its absolutely astounding the things that have gathered in my brain during the course of seven days..like Psych study astounding.

I started school today. This is technically the start of my Sophomore year and I have never been so busy and yet more content in my life. I have decided to take 3 online classes and one actual "real life" class, Abnormal Psychology...so if any of you have anything abnormal happen to you I can analyze it and tell you that I have no idea what it is...hey what do you expect its only my second year....

If I have learned one thing this week it is this...

DO NOT FUCK WITH THE MORMONS!

I am absolutely obsessed with the show Big Love. It started its third season Sunday but I am just playing catch up. And Holy mother of Joseph Smith is that show addicting, like black tea and shoe shopping addicting. I have been watching about 4 shows a night to try and get ready to watch season three with Eric tonight and it is consuming my brain. The main character Bill Paxton ( who I am increasingly thinking Eric looks like the more I watch the show) is married to three different women...the old one, the blond bitch and the young cute naive one. It is fascinating and I can't stop watching it, its painful now to be writing this when I have 3 more shows left in Season 2 I need to watch.

Just remember don't piss them off or they will poison you with arsenic or antifreeze and if your dad is the prophet then you are screwed. To be fair this is a different sect of the Mormons not the LDS group which the show makes clear again and again that they (the LDS) do not condone polygamy. And its really okay as long as you don't marriage underage girls or abuse the welfare system. Whew what a relief...

Oh and the Beach Boys sing the opening song, my favorite song by them I don't know the exact title but it goes "God only Knows What I'd Be Without Her Da da da da"....Love it. If you can watch it watch it....

I love the movie 13 Going On 30. I watched it this week with Lily, my seven year old. From which my daughter learned the valuable lesson that she wants a boyfriend that is both cute and smart, and even if he is a big famous hockey player but he is dumb then she doesn't want to marry him. Go Lily. I tell her there are plenty of smart cute ones out there and maybe she should wait till middle school to worry about husbands?? She shook her head at me and told me that she didn't want to waste anytime. God I love that girl. And thank God she got my sense of humor! (or at least I hope she was joking)

My daughter was invited to a swimming party this Saturday and on the phone while I was talking to the Mom of the little girl who was having the party, she offered to pick Lily up because and I quote "I don't know how you do it with four little kids. I saw you at the grocery store the other day and I thought to myself how does she do it? I can barely go grocery shopping by myself." End quote.

I thought to myself two things :

1. Shit I hope I wasn't yelling, grabbing or threatening one of my kids while she saw me at Cubs

2. Maybe I shouldn't let my daughter in the car with her if she can't even grocery shop by herself?? What the hell is wrong with her?

I have not had one crazy thing happen to me at Walmart this week. Well this guy did tell me he liked my shoes, but they were nice shoes. Oh and this lovely little self esteem booster took place. I am at the check out line buying wine and I am doing the self check out so when you scan alcohol it calls the cashier to the register to type your age in. The screen popped up and it said Is the customer over 40? She stared at the screen then stared at me and after I swear 5 minutes of apparently studying the lines on my face paused and pushed YES!!! WTF! Yes? I am 31 years old. I don't look over 40 What the hell Walmart lady? I was by myself that time and whenever I have my four freakin kids with me that must make me look younger I get carded? That shit is not right...

I had a dream I was having an affair with two different men (see Big Love obsession above) and one of the men NEVER took his blue tooth off...ever...never...gross I need to quit drinking before bed.

A lady looking for a Stella has called my house 39 times!!!!!!! Each time I pick it up and am polite cause I don't think she is all with it and explain to her that I am not nor ever was Stella. Even though I do like that name. I was going to name my second kid Stella until my family starting screaming Stttteeeellllaaaa!!! ala Marlo Brando every time they saw me.

Eric and I are going to take a vacation together this June His two kids, my 4 kids, in a van, to an indoor waterpark for four nights. I am soo excited since I haven't really been on a real vacation since my 6 year old was born. Except now the fear of having to walk around in a bathing suit for four days has set in and I have decided to give up drinking...which really should take about 10 pounds off the first week. Kidding I don't drink that much... sometimes....

I will end with my favorite line ever from a movie well one of my favorites. Its from the movie Knocked Up which I just rewatched this weekend for probably the 77th time....

"Marriage is like that show Everybody Loves Raymond, but its not funny. All the problems are the same, but you know instead of all the funny, pithy dialogue, everybody is really pissed off and tense"

Love. It.

Well that's the end of this train of thought so till next week or well till tomorrow Happy Tuesday. Happy Inauguration Day! How lucky we are to witness this great day in history! Here's hoping my kid's school has it playing today!!

Music Memory Monday

2009-01-19T08:00:00.002-06:00

Probably one of the greatest song writers of all time in my humble opinion. Warren Zevon's Play It All Night Long is one of my favorites from him, but honestly I had a hard time picking just one. Drive By Truckers the alt/country band did a cover of this recently and it is awesome. He reminds me of Summer and guitar players, and rock and roll and sexy men with glasses all rolled into one. His songs make me smile, and cry and shake my head. He brings back so many memories it almost hurts to listen to him....

The Pixies (my all time favorite) were part of a bunch of artists who did a tribute album to Zevon and they covered Ain't That Pretty At All, another one of my favorites. He was most known for Werewolves of London, but honestly he didn't receive near the recognition he deserved. His life was too short as a lot of the great musicians seem to be, but his music still lives on in my iPod anyway...and thankfully on youtube!

Music Memory Monday is brought to you today by the letter M and the number 3. Oh wait sorry , Sesame Street was on. What I mean is Music Memory Monday is brought to you by two of my newest favorite bloggers, well they aren't new they're kind of old...not old age wise but blogging wise...you know what I mean .....Diane over at Good Morning Glory and Jeff and Me + Three So go check them out and play along with us on Music Memory Monday!

In My Life

2009-01-18T10:00:00.008-06:00

I stole this list from Debbie over at Suberb Sanity. She cracks me up on a regular basis and I thought this was the perfect meme for a Sunday. (cause you know of the whole stealing thing)

On a side note I was thinking about going back to church, I think about it every Sunday morning...basically because of my Saturday night phone call from my mother reminding me how my kids should go...but have decided that I am just going to watch Big Love instead. Has anyone seen that show?? The third season starts tonight and E is a fan so he wants to watch it with me on Tuesday nights since Californication is over (our first show that we love) So he got me the first season and I am officially like Whitney with a crack pipe! I love that show! Okay Okay back to my point of this blog...

Really who doesn't feel like nothing got done once Sunday has rolled around? When all that was accomplished was alot of table fort games, Elmo tea parties and a couple of empty bottles of tequila...gotta love taco night.
(Elmo tea parties and tequila two totally separate things, so please no angry emails, Elmo likes Martinis sheesh)

As Debbie pointed out there is a meme going round the blog world of a list of 100 things that people can check off if they have accomplished that in their life. Well being how I have pretty much not been all that terribly exciting in my almost 32 years on this planet, my number of things accomplished was pretty low. So why make you feel sorry for me, or anymore sorry for me than you already do by posting my lack of amazing things not accomplished? So instead I will show you my inner felon by stealing this list of Debbie's and pretending its my own ingenious idea. How's that for a nice Sunday thought?

Here is her list of 32 things you may or may not have done in your lifetime, more for us common folk out there...I have put an x next to the ones I am actually admitting to being a part of,plus my own little explanation. Enjoy...

X. Started something you actually finished ---Even though this one is up for debate but I am going to count being pregnant with 4 kids and actually making it to that finish line (birth)

2.Stood at the bottom of a mountain and thought "wonder why people climb that?" --- Does standing at the bottom of the rock wall at Dick's Sporting Goods and making fun of the people up on the wall count?

3. Been booed off a karaoke stage --- I hate to admit it but I have only done karaoke once while I was young and extremely intoxicated. I have been a part of booing other people off of the stage though.

4.Visited Detroit --- Never even been to Michigan *gasp*

5.Given someone food poisoning --- Well since my cooking repertoire includes pouring cereal into a bowl and broiling things I don't think I have ever cooked anything that could indeed be poisoned. And as much as I would have liked to have filled my ex's body with arsenic like that awesome show Big Love...I didn't and now just hope that the current girlfriend is more malicious than me.

X.Walked to the top of a flight of 8 stairs--- Holy Shit. I think this list is even more pathetic than the list of really awesome things that I have never done either in my life. But I do think I have probably at one time or another walked up eight flights of stairs. Do they have to be at the same time???

7.Grown your own hallucinogens --- Well not on purpose but I bet you if you smoked the stuff growing in the back of my refrigerator you might beg to differ

X.Seen a reproduction of famous artwork done on black velvet--- Well yes I have actually been to a black velvet museum. Ohhh and I love that song Black Velvet...and that little girl's smile....

9. Slept on a train or other public transportation and not known why --- I have been too scared to fall asleep on any sort of public transportation, but give me five minutes tops in a car and I am out like a light ( if I am the passenger that is)

X.Held a possum --- Oh my god yes I have and please don't ask me to relive that tale or should I say tail? Ha! I crack myself up!

11.Driven by an area where people were running a marathon --- I have watched one on television once, till I got too tired and went and took a nap.

12.Taught yourself your native language --- And by native language do you mean English Debbie? Cause I still don't know where to but a semi colon or really any kind of punctuation.

13.Told someone to quit complaining since they appear to have enough money to be satisfied --- Um everytime I watch celebrity intervention (God I love that show)

X.Wondered about the whole "Michelangelo's David" relationship--- Almost as much as I wonder about the Mona Lisa and if Dan Brown's novel the Da Vinci Code is really true.

X.Been bought a meal in a restaurant by a stranger (or the owner after you skipped out on the bill)--- Hehe this list makes me laugh. Well I have been bought dinner before by a stranger...unfortunately he wanted more than just a thank-you and was confused when I told him it would cost more than a dinner to get what he wanted.

X.Looked up Africa on a map --- Shit I have to mapquest my subdivision.

17. Ran along a street by moonlight with nice gentlemen in blue escorting you --- Again if my men in blue you mean the police I am gonna have to go with a no. But my ex husband was kind of kinky and his work uniform was blue...

18.Had your mug shot taken --- No Thank God.

19. Ruined a business--- Well not single handily.

X.Eaten a whole box of Girl Scout cookies in one sitting --- Are you kidding me?? I have two kids this year selling cookies! I love me some Thin Mints.... I'm sorry thighs

X.Threatened a Girl Scout if she tried to take back said cookies.--- Not exactly but I did have to lie to my Mother in law once and tell her that her cookies didn't come in yet because I "accidentally" ate them

X.Read a book --- This one I have actually done. I know all the classics by heart..."It's Not Easy Being Small," "Where the Wild Things Are, " "The Cat In the Hat". and most recently the great literary piece "My Truck Is Stuck"

X.Had your name in the newspaper in a section other than "police blotter"--- Well my divorce announcement was in there last year That was exciting.

24.Been on the wrong end of a jury --- No again amazing but thankfully I have only been to traffic court well and divorce court.

X.Walked all over town with old underwear hanging out the bottom of one pant leg --- Oh yeah and they weren't even my underwear....don't ask.

26.Forgotten to pick up one of your kids until someone called you to ask if you had been in a terrible accident --- No but I had this exact same dream the other night, that my son was stuck at pre-school and I for some reason made no effort to go and get him.

X.Eaten an entire container of ice cream - not the small one either - from the container with a spoon - in one sitting --- Oh yeah you know that Ben and Jerry's flavor Cherry's Garcia? That was my obsession one Summer.

X.Hidden the evidence of #27 under something really disgusting in the trash can--- Oh yeah I hid the cartons in the diaper pail. For no other reason except for my own shame and denial.

X.Ducked behind furniture to keep from answering the doorbell to some person collecting for something --- Um yeah I think we all have. Actually I pretended to be the maid one time, but it was only from the religious freaks not from a collection agency. I did hide from subpoena guy .

X.Hidden in your bedroom/bathroom/closet to eat something so the kids wouldn't know --- Are you kidding me? Every. God. Damn. Day.

X.Bought something and hidden the evidence from your spouse --- Well I'm not married anymore, but I used to tell my ex that my best friend "gave" me my new purse or the new sweater or the new shoes, or the new car...kidding on that last one...maybe

X.Interpreted that "7-second rule" to be any multiple of 7, and then served the saved item to guests.--- Um no! who would do such a thing? My house is the picture of cleanliness It really should be in Better Homes and Garden or Martha Stewart. Cause you know my friends really care if I drop their Cheetos on the floor before they devour them with their Chardonnay

Thanks Debbie for this hilarious take on the things we should probably really try and do in our lifetime.

B.O.B. Kicked My Ass

2009-01-17T10:00:00.000-06:00

I hurt my knee yesterday. I hurt it so bad I cried when I kicked my trainer Bob. And by Bob I mean my B.O.B. or body opponent bag. I am sure you have seen them in the gym, they look like this...

On a side note: as I am looking for a picture of a BOB I come across this kick ass costume of a guy in a body bag. I totally am going to be this next year for Halloween. I just need to find one that has a woman's body. Oh yeah. Target has got some freaky shit. Who woulda thought?

So anyway I dress Bob up and make believe that I am kicking the shit out of an imaginary attacker all the while getting lean and mean and somewhat scary sounding. Even though it apparently does not help my scaredy cat level since I literally let out a yelp everytime I walk down to the basement and see Bob there. So yeah in theory I could kick your ass but only if I have time to prepare and you don't startle me. God what a wimp.

So now I think I have humiliated Bob by putting some sunglasses and a big floppy hat on him so he looks less intimidating. I think he hates me now and that is why my knee is hurting like hell.

I absolutely love to kick. I got into kickboxing a few years back when I was seriously considering becoming a bad ass girl fighter, all thanks to that television series Fight Girls. They had these 20 or so chicks train in Muay Thai and then beat each other up every week and whoever won the fight got to go on to Thailand and fight the real deal. It was inspiring! I loved it. So I found a gym and a trainer and started to learn the fundamentals of kicking and kneeing and elbowing the living shit out of someone, you know if I was in a street fight. ( I almost spit my tea out laughing at the thought of me in a street fight) Then during a sparing session with another girl I got hit,hard, and I quit. Yeah I know...quiters never win blah blah blah, but has anyone ever been kicked in the shoulder before? I mean granted I have the pain threshold of negative 6,but God Damn it hurt like hell Plus it left a bruise, which is really when my vanity kicked in and I thought what good is showing off my toned arms in tank tops if I looked like I had my own personal Fight Club going on after hours (even though how cool would that be...in theory anyway)?

So I just settled for kicking with Billy Blanks DVDs and going to a gym and doing classes there. Shortly after my divorce I started dating a kickboxing trainer near Bloomington. Which word to the wise its never really productive to train with anyone who you are always picturing without their clothes on. Just sayin'. The whole "Don't shit where you eat" saying really rang true on that whole adventure in my dating career. So that ended and I met my last ex who was also a wanna be bad ass and he owned a BOB. That's where my love affair with this plastic man started.

Until today when apparently the universe is trying to tell me to slow the F down. Or fall down in pain, whatever. I think my over zealous kicking might have something to do with extreme amount of caffeine I have been ingesting lately. I have my own theory that it (caffeine) actually makes your bones more brittle. (I smell medical break through) Since I refuse to believe that getting older means I can't do everything I used to be able to do when I was 21 and still function without straining, pulling, or breaking anything. God next thing you know I will be playing Jenga in a bench in the park.

I have just threatened Bob with the garage sale this Spring. I don't mess around people. I need to be moving on a daily basis if no other reason than the sheer amount of calories I consume in a 24 hour period. If I don't workout everyday I probably could easily be around 700 pounds by March. I swear I am not being dramatic or anything! I have been icing the injured knee for awhile and am pretty pissed since I was supposed to actually go out tonight and you know am usually expected to walk. So plans changed and now it is Taco night instead. Oh be jealous I know you are.

Spin Cyle: What IF....Can You Imagine?

2009-01-16T00:35:00.003-06:00

What if... you imagine there's no heaven? It's easy if you try.

What if ...there is no hell below us? Above us only sky.

What if... all the people where just living for today?

What if... there's no countries? It isn't hard to do.

What if... there is nothing to kill or die for? And no religion too.

What if... all the people are living life in peace?

What if.....you say that I'm a dreamer? But I'm not the only one.

What if....someday you join us, and the world will be as one?

What if... there were no possessions? I wonder if you can?

What if... there was no need for greed or hunger, a brotherhood of man?

What if .... all the people were sharing all the world?

What if .... you say that I'm a dreamer? I'm not the only one.

What if.....someday you join us, and the world will live as one?

My shameless tribute to the genius that is John Lennon and this week's post for Jen's Spin Cycle titled What IF? Visit her at Sprite's Keeper.

Hidden Potential : Conspiracy Theory

2009-01-15T13:24:00.013-06:00

When my lovely offspring are with the sperm donor for their "weekend" on Tuesday and Wednesdays, I am in Kewanee with my boyfriend. Where we spend the nights eating panini's and watching the Home and Garden network. Yes he is very much a man, but since he loves me THAT much he watches the decorating shows with me while we drink wine and make fun of people.

One of our favorite shows we have started watching is called Hidden Potential. The idea behind the show is young couples are trying to decide which of the three houses they want to be their first home but the houses need some work done to make it more livable. So the couple chooses three houses that they like and then the designer comes in and shows the couple three different designs that they can do with the money they will have after they buy the home. The concept is pretty cool and the designer uses this computer generated program to transform the old space into the new one so the owners can see what it could look like. Which is pretty interesting in and of itself but the thing I am now obsessed about is the designer on their Paige Rein. I didn't notice anything different about her at first until Eric brought up his theory that she used to be a man. She is very manly looking I'll give him that she has huge arms and a is massively tall. Whatever, I have known some manly looking women out there that are all women. I am not convinced she used to be a man until he tells me that there used to be another designer on the show named Barry Wood, which I knew because he used to be designer for TLC's Trading Spaces. So I google their pictures and OH MY GOD. I swear they are the same person. They look like they are brother and sister if nothing else, but apparently that rumor was put to rest. I found Paige's blog site where she states that her and Barry get asked the question if they are the same person all the time and she find it disturbing.

But come on!!! They look exactly alike. Last night we were studying all the things Spike TV told us to look for if a guy is on a date and not sure if his woman is really a woman. (Things that are important you know) Big hands? Check. Adams apple? I really can't tell cause she/he tends to wear alot of scarves. She is hugely tall and her face looks just like Barry Wood's. I know I know I need a hobby and Eric and I need to start watching something more productive like Robert Downy Jr movies, or porn but come on...You be the judge....
(The woman is on the top. I know right?)

My Wordless Wednesday

2009-01-14T12:33:00.003-06:00

Random Tuesday Thoughts

2009-01-13T10:22:00.009-06:00

It seems I have no creativity as of late and have been using alot of these clever "day of the week prompts", but I have no shame plus I am always completely random and seem to have lots of thoughts that don't really go well with the other thoughts. This is courtesy of Us and Them who got it from Keely over at The Un-Mom. Two great bloggers eating away at my time each day. Go visit them if you haven't already and let me read your randomness. Please?

I have found the equivalent to legal crack...black tea. Holy mother of God. I think I have lost 5 pounds just from the heart palpitations. I am a tea drinker, green tea. I have for the most part given up soda and during my Summer of Craziness posted about earlier I was convinced that green tea would save me from every kind of sickness imaginable so I started drinking it purely for the health benefits, but got hooked. I dream about tea, I crave it and yeah it gives me the caffeine I need to not be a crabby bitch (most of the time). I mean I drink tea alot, all day and I use two tea bags for every cup of water, so I thought Iwas pretty used to the first intital side effects.

I am at the grocery store and they are out of the green tea I like so I get the Black tea. I come home make some tea and 18 hours later I am still trying to come down off that high. Wow. I cleaned my baseboards last night...I mean yeah.

My daughter got a love letter in the mail. Seriously I had to question her taste in men cause who uses paper letters anymore? He couldn't shoot her a love email? Profess his love on a blog or a Myspcae page like a normal 7 year old? It was sweet. He told her he liked her long hair and how she smelled good. Lily ate the whole thing up. Poor girl. This is the girl who would not let me NOT put a hair pretty in her hair all of Pre-K because a boy told her she looked beautiful with her hair up. Yeah she is boy crazy. All ready and it scares the shit out of me. So of course me being me and not one to let an embarrassing event in my daughters little life go unnoticed have been torturing her relentlessly ever sense she opened the envelope. She is 7. A love letter? Crap why couldn't I have had all boys?

I got a summons yesterday. I was working out before lunch and this SUV pulled in my driveway and a very large, and I mean large like his thigh was the size of my body large, got out of the car and began banging on my door. Now I know I think I am a bad ass chasing cart stealers at Walmart, and kicking imaginary bad guys with Billy Blanks, but I did not feel like getting stabbed to death so I ignored the knock, thinking if he was there to kill me he probably wouldn't knock which meant he was probably there to sell me something which seriously is probably worse than death. Trying to explain to someone that yes I already have a religion and that Satan doesn't really like me to talk to Jesus (kidding) is just way to time consuming and I had arms to scuplt.

Most of the time I ignore the first knock and they go away, but no. It could have been due to the fact that both of my boys were standing at the window waving at the man shouting at the top of their lungs "Mommy are you going to answer the door?" As I am trying to get them to shut up and move away from the window. And apparently my doorbell works? Who knew. So finally he leaves and as I am making lunch wondering who could it could have been. Weird thoughts start to go through my head like... What if it was DCFS and someone reported me for not putting shoes on my two year old or for letting Nicholas eat the M and Ms in Walmart before we pay for them? Shit. Or what if the sperm donor is suing me. I seriously thought that that scenario could be true since he is forever complaining about how much time he has to take HIS kids compared to the amount of child support he pays me. I even get the phone out and try to call him to see if he is indeed suing me. To which he laughs at me like that is the most ridiculous thing he has ever heard of. Probably just giving him the idea to now in fact sue me. Shit.

So I go downstairs and open the door and in my mail box is a summons to appear in court. Which I really thought that when you got summoned you had to actually be handed the summons, but maybe I just watch too much Law and Order episodes? But maybe since it was for not getting my cat (my dead cat) vaccinated, they don't really care how you get told. I can either go to court or pay $100. I call the pound and tell them that my cat is dead, that they were in fact the people that informed me that my cat was no longer living so how the hell was I supposed to vaccinate a dead cat? Apparently they don't give a shit and I still have to pay the money.

There is a man squatting in my kid's playhouse in the back of my yard. I live in a subdivision that backs up to a wooded lot owned by a nursing home. My kids call it the "forest" and claim to see all sorts of magical creatures back there. My four year old kept telling me he saw a man in the forest which I just put off as my son being my son and four and a liar. You know a liar in a sweet "only a mother can call him that" kind of way. So last night I am looking out my window and I see footprints going through my back yard. Now why the hell I didn't notice this before I have no idea? So I like a freaking moron who really must think she can kick ass turn the back porch light on and go outside. My uncle built this play house for my kids this summer which is cool but the kids never really played in it much cause it felt like a sauna in the Summer. I had put a cot in there and some blankets and snacks about a week ago when the kids were driving me crazy and I needed them to go play outside for awhile. Well apparently that suited "Darren" just fine and he had set up his belongings in my kid's play house. I calmly as I could ran back to the house and called the police before the sleeping man could wake up and attack me. They came and escorted him out telling me he would be going to the hospital for evaluation first and then possibly to a homeless shelter. I guess I'll listen to the kid next time he tells me he's sees people in our backyard.

I have lost 5 pounds since New Years. I mean granted its the five pounds I put on over the holidays but I am still counting it. Even though I have to buy a swimsuit since apparently those chicken shit swimming instructors don't want a bunch of two year olds floating around in a pool without their parents in there with them. God. What a bunch of babies. I decided I needed to sign them up for lessons since the two year old has taken to putting his head under water and leaving it there for a strangely long amount of time. So I either have the next Micheal Phelps or the next David Blaine. God help me.

Music Memory Monday

2009-01-12T08:30:00.003-06:00

Time for installment number two (ha I said number two...yeah I know I have the maturity level of a 9 year old boy). This week's post is another kind of mellow song but it one of my favorites as well. When I was getting married my now ex husband and I were looking (well mainly I was just looking) for the perfect song to dance to as our first dance. I have been forever a fan of James Taylor and have memories of being a little kid sitting in the corner of my dinning room next to my Dad's huge speakers listening to all the great singer/songwriters of that time. This song makes me tear up everytime I hear it. I wanted to be Carly Simon as a kid, I thought she was beautiful and would put an old towel over my head and pretend like I had long hair like she did. You Can Close Your Eyes was written as a lullaby for his son, but it was absolutely the most perfect song to dance to at my wedding. The marriage didn't last but it never tarnished my memory of this beautiful piece of music.

My favorite part about this video is how as the two of them are singing this really pretty song the captions are talking about their divorce and his drug addictions. Ahhh how romantic. At least I am choosing to believe at the time they made this they were happy in love and not strung out on heroin. : ) Happy Monday!!

What Would I Do Without This Blog?

2009-01-11T10:44:00.007-06:00

You know that lady that has the 19 kids? I think I could have been her. Honestly I don't buy the bullshit that they are letting God decide how many kids they should have because really don't you think God has more important things to decide like you know which rap star will get a Grammy or if Hannah Montana will go another season? I think she is trying to get something that she isn't getting by just being who she is. Maybe? Possibly? Do I seem off base with this one? I can't be the only one that feels like this. Right? Let's discuss...

That lady who is constantly pregnant I get it. I get the appeal. I think if I had the extraordinary amount of money they seem to have and a house the size of Utah that I would have had more babies. My reason is probably needing to be analyzed by a shrink though since it really has nothing to do with God or my love of babies or children, but on my fear of being mortal. Lets face it, my kids getting older means I am getting older and unless you plan to live in a state of denial like my wonderful boyfriend for example who has no plans on aging past 39, kids are a living breathing reminder of the aging process.

The act of being able to reproduce is what young people possess if you're lucky. Even the act of being a parent no matter how the babies come your way is a relatively young person's job. So as long as that lady can crank the babies out then she is young, she is productive, able to bring another living thing onto the planet because the Universe thinks she is capable and cognitive enough to raise it. Maybe that is it?

As I have mentioned before I am pretty fertile, like scary fertile, I am sure my body would have no problem having a kid every 18 months . I get why that lady likes being pregnant, it can give you as a woman a sense of accomplishment, what our bodies were made for right? I certainly have the hips to "breed" babies. So why not? I had an argument about breastfeeding once with a pushy queen of the bitches nurse during the birth of my first baby. I had no desire to breastfeed, didn't want the information on it didn't want judgement, it was my choice and I did not want to breastfeed plain and simple. As I am telling the nurse for the thousandth time that no I don't have any medical reason why I can't breastfeed I just have choosen to bottle feed. She looked at me and asked "Well why do you think God gave you breasts then?" To which I laughed and I will refrain from telling you where I told the nurse to go and what I thought she should be doing while she went there. So maybe that's what she thinks her life's purpose is, to have as many babies as a small village? I don't know? I know we all know that having babies is more than the actual act of making the baby, its colic and sleepless nights and tantrums and tantrums and whining and did I mention tantrums. I love the hugs and kisses and first steps and first words, but really is that all I am here to do? Is that all that women wants to be is a womb with legs? It's her descion and I respect it I just think there are probably some other issues there. Or I could just be projecting all of my issues on to anyone who has over 2.5 kids? Yes? No? Maybe?

That's what are bodies were meant to do have babies right? What happens when you really don't want to reproduce? Or don't want more than 1 or 2 babies? Or like so many friends and family member I know choose to adopt or be foster parents, or gasp God forbid choose to live a child free life? I mean are we not fulfilling our purpose as women?

Do I have a freakin point. I unlike most of the bloggers I love out there cant just go straight to my point can I? Keep you guessing on what I am going to talk about, and did I mention I just ran out of my tea after only two cups this morning? I'll blame my scattered thoughts on that for now.

I loved being pregnant I loved the attention and the feeling of creating a life inside of me. I felt honored and important. I loved feeling the baby kick and the planning and the picking out baby names and painting nurseries and baby showers. Talking to strangers in the grocery store and letting the Walmart greeters guess whether or not it was a boy or a girl. I loved the doctors visits and ultra sounds, the non stress tests and taking my pre natal vitamins,I loved being hooked up to an IV in the hospital and telling me when to push. I loved when they handed me that baby and knowing that I had made a healthy baby.

I never got that feeling that I was "done" after one or two or three and now that my fourth baby is two years old, I start to get that feeling that I want another baby. But why? Why would I want another baby? I have four, I got my tubes tied a year ago ending the actual way I can have babies biologically. I am not married or have the job or degree I want. Why would I still get that feeling to have another baby? The amateur therapist in me thinks its the same reason that that crazy religious lady has them, cause something else is missing in her/my life that I think a baby will somehow fill. What it is I haven't figured out yet. I think its like what the people that binge eat are trying to fill with food. I am trying to fill that void with babies, and that unconditional love they give to whoever will love them and give them their basic needs. Then of course my kids still need me, but they don't need me as much as they get older and then what? What am I scared of?I know I have an issue with getting older or even thinking about death and dying is enough to send my brain into panic mode. Maybe that's it? Maybe its the attention I get when I am telling people I am going to have another baby? The solution to my attention seeking problem could be to do a great job as a mother to the ones I have, to figure out whatever is missing and to fill that void with something healthy I mean I am the queen of finding something to obsess about. At this moment it is kickboxing, next week will probably be running again, or school starting, but in those lows of nothing really exciting going on or when I hear someone is going to have another baby, that part of my brain kicks in with that intense need to reproduce again.

I envy the women who know how many kids they want, or when they are done having one or two or three or none, they know without a doubt that they are done. I like the idea of not having morning sickness anymore, or lugging a heavy carseat around or the smell of formula on me 24/7 but at the same time I miss it terribly. I think I just need to realize the good fortune of what I do have and focus on this new chapter of my life, without little babies around and be happy and content with that.

Ahhh I feel better. Thanks guys! I am giving you all honorary Ph.D.'s The checks in the mail.

Punk Rock Has Lost a Great One

2009-01-10T13:23:00.007-06:00

I am sad today. As a punk rock girl wanna be, Iggy Pop and The Stooges was the ultimate of everything cool. Ron Asheton was the guitar player I wanted to be, well except for James Taylor and The Pixies' Kim Deal. As much as I pride myself in being current in current events I missed this piece of news. He passed away on January 6th at the young age of 60 . The Stooges apparently had just got back together to tour which would have just been awesome to experience live and I am disappointed I won't ever get to see them preform together. Ron was found dead in his home of an apparent heart attack. I don't normally blog about current events but this one hit my house pretty hard. This video below is of The Stooges TV Eye one of my favorites. R.I.P. Ron....

I See the Morning Light the Morning Light Well Its Not Because I'm An Early Riser I Didn't Get To Sleep Last Night

2009-01-09T03:00:00.002-06:00

I am pretty sure that Dylan when he was writting the above lyrics didn't mean he couldn't sleep so why not blog about it. But who knows?
I can't sleep lately. I don't know what it is but I have been up crazy late, or would it be early, the last couple of weeks and I am starting to hallucinate, I mean seriously I think I just saw Moses in my front yard? I need me some sleep before too long or else you are going to see me on the ten o'clock news talking to squirrels in the park. Since I am sleep deprived and have a slight addiction to myspace I thought I would combine the two and try and bore myself and probably my reader(s) in the process with this little survey about my fascinating sleep deprived life...oh no need to thank me...

What are you listening to right now? Sean Hayes

If you won a lot of money on the lottery, what would you do first? Hire an accountant

What was the first thing you thought this morning?Damn I need to blow my nose

What did you do last night?Ate Chines food with my E and debated whether or not the girl from HGTV's Hidden potential used to be a guy.

What do you last think about before sleeping? Sleep oh how I wish I could sleep...

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?Probably the last time I was at Walmart

Is there someone you don't ever want to be out of your life?Of course my kids and E

Do you know someone in jail?Not at the moment

Is there something you're waiting for?My eyelids to shut and my brain to go into REM so I can have some awesome George Cloony dreams!

Does love exist?A question best left for the poets

What's on your mind? School starting, the weekend, sick kids, and oh yeah my lack of sleep!

Was the first person to talk to you today a guy or a girl?A man

Were you happy when you woke up today? Yeah I am generally happy in the morning even though my legs hurt from not running yesterday

Who was the last person to call you?E just got off the phone with him

Do you prefer to take a shower, morning or night? Morning

What color shirt are you wearing? Grey

Do you miss the way things used to be? I miss the ways my boobs used to be

How do you feel about chocolate covered strawberries? Disgusting

Do you have a best friend that knows you inside and out? I used to, and E knows alot and he's learning more everyday or at least pretending to

What kind of mood are you in today? A good mood...sore from kicking

What were you doing at 12am last night? um I am pretty sure some family members read this so I am gonna go with reading the Bible

What did you last eat? oatmeal raisin cookies and some champagne

Whats the greatest thing that happened today? I found the Starter Wife episodes on iTunes ( I know it doesn't take much to make me happy)

Do you care what others think of you? Sure to an extent some more than others

Are you a bitch? who me?

What does your hair look like? Super short...sorry IG no ponytail fantasies here

Do you make out with random people at parties/hanging out? Oh hell yeah all the time!!! Like at the party i just went to . . .. at chuckie cheese . . .who came up with this question?

Whats the CD in your player? The newest John Mellencamp CD don't mock he rocks!

What cant you wait for?a nap!

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night? Have the question gods not been listening???

How good is your eyesight? I am as blind as a bat without contact lenses or glasses or super powers

whats the longest amount of time you've been on an airplane? 4 hours

In the past week have you felt sad? I'm kind of sad for my little sis right now who is going through a tough time

OK well that's done hmm let me check....nope still awake. Damn you myspace survey I put way to much faith in you to put me asleep. Maybe I should try counting sheep?

Sweet Child of Mine

2009-01-08T14:51:00.006-06:00

Don't Quilt Your Day Job

2009-01-08T10:06:00.000-06:00

My sister is younger than me and way way cooler. She just is. It's alright you can believe it too. I know it's hard to wrap your head around the idea that someone could be cooler than my John Denver, Gary Sandberg, Crosby Stills and Nash lovin ass but hey would I lie to you? Growing up we were complete opposites, so opposite in looks and personality that no one ever even believed we were related. I was tall and had straight blond hair, where she was short and had dark curly hair. She hung out with a huge group of friends in high school and was known to get caught once or twice or ten times by the cops for underage drinking. Where I was known to hang out with about 10 tree hugging guitar players quietly drinking MadDog and lighting incense, you know for the ambiance of course. I would have much rather have preferred to fade in while she has always wanted and succeeded at standing out. Like most siblings growing up we pretty much wanted to forget the other one existed or else truly believe that the other one was adopted.

She moved out to Seattle Washington about 10 years ago with my Mom and got her degree in Fashion Design from the Art Institute of Seattle. She is fiercely talented and ever since she got her first sewing machine has known that that how she wanted to make a living, by creating something, anything. I seriously can't sew a button on and craft glue and Velcro are my best friends. She moved to New York City to try her hand at fashion out there, she loved it there, and adapted quickly. I would have took one look at the subway maps and booked a one way ticket back home. You get the picture we are different in every way. She stayed with a friend of hers in Brooklyn and soaked up as much of that culture and lifestyle as she could. The cost of living, the sheer number of people wanting to get a break in fashion compared with the actual number of fashion jobs and I think just a honest homesickness for the west coast brought her back to Seattle a couple of years later.

She got an apartment in the city, fell in love and set her sites on not having to ever have to work for "the man" again. Since her love of sewing and designing was evident to anyone who she came in contact with, from her homemade shirts, or purses, to just her unique artistic style, she decided that making quilts, yes that's right I said quilts, with an edge was right up her alley. She created this website, thought up a name for her business, Don't Quilt Your Day Job and set to work turning the quilting business on its head, or side, or is it ear? She has been featured in numerous trade publications and was even in one of my favorite magazines Bust Magazine. Random House has even been in contact with her to write a book on the new faces of quilters. She is sooo immensely talented and loves what she is doing and to say I envy her drive and her passion about something is an understatement.

We were never really close growing up and really not so much even now, not in a bad way just in the way that we both chose completely different paths in life. She is outgoing and literally can walk into a grocery store and fifteen minutes later come out of there with dinner and know where the hippest and coolest party is going to be that night. I on the other hand still say hippest and coolest, and prefer my own little handful of friends to keggers on the balcony. Her cats are her babies and is a wonderful aunt to my own kids but I know she is glad to have the time to herself when she leaves. I consider my four kids at least six months of birth control after a visit with them. She will be a great mom one day but is in no rush to start her "grownup" life and I admire that quality in her the most.

She'll hate that I am talking about her like this but outside of my kids I don't talk about my family outside of my own kids much so I wanted to share some cyber love to her with all of you. Watch for her, Kim Thomas is her name, one of these days Angelina Jolie's 10th kid will be covered up in a .Don't Quilt Your Day Job quilt and we can all say we knew her when

My Wordless Wednesday

2009-01-07T14:00:00.004-06:00

Music Memory Monday and Some Awards

2009-01-05T08:43:00.019-06:00

I am always looking for new ideas and was super excited when I came across Music Memory Mondays from over at my new favorite blog Diane (oh my freakin God I can't believe I finally figured out how to link someone! Yay me!) at Good Morning Glory if you haven't been over there to check her out do it NOW, well after you read and comment on this brilliant post. (ha I crack myself up) She is funny and dark and has some great stories to tell.

From what I can tell the rules of Music Memory Mondays are pretty simple, you choose a song with some sort of memory attached, and write about it while sharing the video. Sounds fun and every song has a memory for me so I thought I would give it a try. So here is my first foray into my music memories:

The song is Helplessly Hoping by Crosby, Stills and Nash. A lovely song. Just. Simply. Lovely.
Plus I have a huge crush on Stephen Stills. I am not sure why this video has captions, but now you can sing along to my music memory. You're Welcome.

My Dad and I have at least one thing in common, our love for this band. I took my Dad to see them in concert for Father's Day awhile back and I personally thought they were awesome live. My Dad was a little depressed at how old they looked, but I still thought despite the added weight and new livers that they could still rock an assembly hall. They are on my top ten lists of most influential bands in my life, and Helplessly Hoping was one of the first songs I can remember falling in love to. The song that you play over and over when you are first dating someone because it just reminds you of the time you spent with them ...who freakin knew I could be so sentimental huh? His name was Brian McGrath and he smoked Marlboro Reds, wore a leather duster, and thought he was a cowboy and I thought I would grow old with him and we would sing this song to each other at night. Man I miss the ignorance of youth.

Relationship ended but my love of this song stayed. Instead of singing it to just one man that I love, nowI sing it every night to two little men that I love more than I could have ever thought possible at 16 with Brian. My girls liked the song too when they were little but now insist on me singing a Camp Rock song before bed. Yeah I'll admit that I do that on here only and if you tell anyone I will hunt you down!

So do this with me I love seeing other people's taste in music and why they listen to what they do! Happy Monday!!

Now on to two really awesome awards I have been fortunate enough to have been given recently! First one is from Diane at Good Morning Glory

The purpose of this award is to give it to someone who is showing gratitude or a good attitude ("if life hands you lemons, made lemonade") within their life or blog.

The rules: put the logo on your blog, nominate at least 10 blogs that show great attitude and/or gratitude, link to your nominees, let them know they have received the award by commenting on their blog, and share the love and link to the person from whom you received your award.

Well I know that I should name 10 other blogs but I normally don't. Know that if I comment on your blog I love reading you so consider this award yours! If you want it take it and pass it on! Thanks Diane!!!

The next award is from Jim at Irregularity Periodic Ruminations who lets admit it we all love and read daily, but if for some reason you are hiding under a rock, go check him out...often. He's one of my first blogs that I read and one of my favorites! He gave me this beauty :

"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers! Deliver this award to eight bloggers who may choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.”

So thanks so much you guys for the acknowledgements. I am so honored to be a part of this blogging community!

I Heart Walmart

2009-01-04T16:32:00.004-06:00

So I am grocery shopping today at Walmart like most days since I have for the last 6 weeks keep forgetting the God Damn Miricle Whip and various other things that are on the list just somehow overlooked every time I am in that store. I resisted the pull of the bigger chain stores over the smaller Mom and Pop chains for a long time, but eventually the appeal of being able to buy diapers and wine at the same place was too much.

Now normally I am in and I am out I try not to pay attention to the random acts of child abuse or spousal abuse or verbal abuse to the customers/employees I hear there it seems whenever I go. I just face forward and try not to accidentally run my cart into a crazy person who might "straight up cut me bitch" But today was different I had to step up, do my civic duty as a concerned citizen.

I was walking past the grocery aisles staring at this man who looked familiar but in that odd "Have I seen him on Dateline's To Catch A Predator?" familiar. He kept walking back and forth between the lady giving out samples of Fiber One breakfast bars (yum) and the stack of sodas. He looked normal enough in what I assumed was a church suit. He had on a hat, and frankly I dig a man in a hat so I watched him more, casually playing cool by pretending I was interested in the Hannah Montana shirts they had on sale for $3.50. Then all of a sudden he walks past this woman who is standing at the beginning of the cereal aisle and he takes her cart. The lady doesn't notice at first cause she is talking to her friend, blocking the aisle for all the other frustrated shoppers trying to buy their Honey Nut Cheerios I might add but that's neither here nor there. So I am thinking WTF? Did he just take that lady's cart? Maybe she's his wife and he is trying to be funny? Maybe he thinks its his cart since he is a nutcase? Maybe he was too lazy to shop for his one food and thought her selection looked good? I turn around thinking someone has had to have seen that, but it didn't look like anyone had or no one cared. Finally the lady looks up because her friend notices the cart being taken and asked "Hey do you know that dude that just took your cart?" She looks up and yells after him "Hey that's my cart" I am casually pushing my cart closer to this guy. Well he starts running! I mean like he is on that game show Supermarket Sweep. (I love game show network!) So I start to run after him and am yelling at him to stop. The lady catches up to me and lo and behold she just happens to be the sister of the man who married my old college roommate (small world). She is out of breath and says "Can you believe this is happening?" I of course can cause it is after all Walmart. Finally the cool old door greeter guy is calling security over his intercom and trying to stop the cart napper at the door. We reach him and I am sooo ready to put my kickboxing skills to good use when he surrenders the cart and starts laughing. Yeah the guy was a whack job and I was hoping he wasn't too pissed off that we had chased him halfway through the store. He said she had suckers in her cart and he was hungry for a sucker. Oooookaaay. I had to go back with Walmart security, did you know that they have that? I mean I knew they had all those big black balls (go ahead make your jokes) in the sky that can see you no matter where you go, but they have this big room of CSI looking stuff that is very impressive. They call the guys wife who comes to pick him up and as he is sitting in a chair he is continuously asking for a sucker then looking right at me. I in an irritated state ask him if I look like I have a sucker? He blows me a kiss. Creeppppyyy. I thanked the guy for at least giving me some good blogging material cause I have been running pretty low on bloggy inspiration lately. He told me "anytime" then asked me if I wanted to keep his hat? Yeah I have no idea but it sure proved to be a damn entertaining afternoon. And I finally remembered to buy the Miracle Whip!

A Year In Review

2008-12-31T09:36:00.003-06:00

Another "cheating" post. I borrowed (stole) this one off my Myspace page. Happy New Year!!

2008 is quickly coming to an end. So tell us exactly what happened in this unforgettable year.

How old did you turn? 31 Ughh don't remind me. I prefer to think of it as 21, since 31 is the new 21 right? Yeah shut up I know I 'm getting old.

What school did you go to? A local University here where I live. I did all online classes this last semester and really liked it alot even though I miss being around 18 year old girls that look like they eat only ice chips and model for Vogue. Envy is a resolution I'm working on for next year.

Tell us about something good that happened: Lots of things, I met Eric, I got all As in school, I started this blog and have made some great new friends, rekindled an old friendship etc etc

Did you change much? I don't know? I guess I changed in the fact that I was the one that ended the relationship this Spring when there was really nothing wrong with him just he was wrong for me. I would have never walked away from something or someone who loved me that much before. I just wasent ready to settle again.

Are you happy with who you have become? Very I love being a mother more than anything and think I have really "grown' into that role well

Tell us a song you were hooked on: I love Flowering Spade by Sean Hayes It is playing constantly on my iPod.

Did you go to the beach? I wish! Maybe this new year I can get a vacation in somewhere warm!

Did you get really dressed up for anything? No not really a couple of weddings that were really courthouse casual this summer. Oh I did wear a dress for my ex's brothers wedding that was during my skinny pre gaining 10 pounds in a month days so I looked pretty smokin!! I mean if I do say so myself.

Tell us a funny thing that happened? My kids make me laugh everyday. I ran into a telephone pole while running I am sure that was hilarious for the people that were watching it.

Tell us the saddest thing that happened? My Dad's dog Dook had to be put to sleep yesterday. That was really sad. We knew he was sick and that putting him down was inevitable but it was a tough thing to read from my Dad. Also losing Jack the cat was really sad too. I am lucky my two legged family memebers have all been happy and healthy this year!

What are your plans for New Year? Going out with E to do who knows what since he has made secret plans that are driving me crazy not knowing!!

What are you most looking forward to next year? School, running in the nicer weather, Summer, vacationing with E and his girls. Hopefully going out to Seattle to see my Mom and sis. Lots of things...

Tell us something you plan on changing for next year? Well I want to be healthier in what I eat. Train more, be more patient, the usual things

Think back to the beginning of the year and now think of now what’s different: Oh God I was living with a man, I had a different car, a different hair color, I was a different jean size : )

Are you happy with what happened this year? I am very happy I was fortunate to have had a good year when so many people around me were losing jobs and homes, and retirement savings, I somehow got around all that and feel very very blessed

Was 2008 your best year? Well I am planning to have lots more years so I am gonna say that this isnt my best that it is yet to come!

Time For New Beginnings

2008-12-30T13:45:00.003-06:00

Since my Mom is in town this week and I have pretty much been on the move since her plane landed on Saturday I am gonna cheat a bit with today's post. A friend sent me this and I thought it blog worthy. Just a simple verse to remind us what is important and all that we have to look forward to in the coming year.

I hope everyone has a safe and fun New Year's Eve tomorrow night. I am going to venture out into the public for the first New Year's celebration that wasn't spent in my house or someone else's house since high school. I am very much looking forward to partying like a grown up and laughing at the drunk people. Happy New Year!

Time for New Beginnings

"This is a time for reflection as well as celebration.
As you look back on the past year and all that has taken place in your life,
Remember each experience for the good that has come of it and for the knowledge you have gained.
Remember the efforts you have made and the goals you have reached.
Remember the love you have shared and the happiness you have brought.
Remember the laughter, the joy, the hard work, and the tears.
And as you reflect on the past year, also be thinking of the new one to come.
Because most importantly, this is a time of new beginnings and the celebration of life."

Spin Cycle: New Year's Resolutions

2008-12-27T17:12:00.007-06:00

This is my first Spin Cycle, I have been a big follower of Jen over at Sprite's Keeper forever and enjoy reading every ones take on her chosen topic of the week, but have always been too chicken to join in. I figured I should just man up and do it, especially since this Spin is about New Year's Resolutions.

This year has been interesting to say the least. I started the year in a relationship and am ending it with a new one. A better one and one that I didn't just settle for. That's my first resolution for the new year:

1. No more settling. Time to realize that just because I am a woman, or a single mom, or in school, or over 30, it shouldn't matter...no more excuses. No more settling for someone of something that is just okay. I am aiming high. I have a tendency to accept things that will just get be by. A job that just pays the bills, or a relationship that nothing terrible about it but nothing too terribly exciting either. No more. Watch out world.

2. Join a gym. I haven't worked up the whole go and work out at the gym yet. But I am pretty excited about carrying the card around in my purse and having $60 deducted from my bank account every month. Baby Steps...

3. You know that old joke when someone asks you what your New Year's Resolution is and they say they are going to quit smoking crack, or cigarettes or turnips...but they don't really smoke those things? Yeah I know I am laughing on the inside too. That's me I don't smoke but I resolve to be a supportive girlfriend of a man who is going to try and quit smoking...cause lets face it, its no freakin fun. As a former smoker I know how hard it is for the actual quitter, but as the girlfriend that has to be around the person that is quitting? Ughhh I suck at being understanding and putting up with tiredness and grouchiness and etc., etc. So I am gonna be chanting the "God give me the patience" prayer in my sleep this year. E has said he is gonna quit. As much as I think smoking is soo sexy. I want him healthy and alive for along time...preferably with me. So I will try to be the best cheerleader there is and maybe throw in a couple of rewards for his progress *wink wink*

4. Run a half marathon. I am confident this will happen. I can run the mileage pretty easily. Its just I have this nasty little habit of not doing anything unless I know I can be the best. Kind of reverse perfectionism. If I don't think I can do it perfectly I just don't try. So in 2009 I am gonna run it, I am gonna finish the race and not care if I don't finish first. Show my girls and boys what their Mom can do and to prove it to my self I can run more than 6 miles and not keel over.

5. Be a better Mom. I make this one every year I think cause Christmas just seems like a big slap in the face of the reality of time passing, and how they won't be little forever. My niece MY NIECE!! is turning 18! this February. Graduating from high school this May. Holy crap! I remember when she was born! I remember when she started kindergarten! It seems like only yesterday she was graduating from 8th grade!

My sister cries every time the subject comes up and I wonder if she is thinking back on to all things she wished she would/could have done with her little girl who is now almost an adult. I don't want that. I mean I know they will get older but I don't want to look back and think that I just did the minimum Mom requriments. The whole settling thing again.

I have my kids I am going to start once a month taking one of them to do something special with just me. Its hard when you have four kids and only two hands to always get to do everything that a specific kid wants to do. Lily my 7 year old is dying to go ice skating but I don't think I could hold on to 4 hands and keep myself upright on the ice without someone getting a blade in the head. So I figured this would be the best thing for me and the kids to get to hang out and do something they normally wouldn't get to do with all of their siblings. As the lovely VodkaMom recently commented "Time is a thieving bastard" I plan to catch the mother fucker head on this year and at least slow it down for an afternoon.

There are so many things I want to do better this coming year: floss more, love more, eat less, enjoy the little things more, worry less... all the things I think about doing every new year, hell every new week. Sometimes I get there sometimes I don't, so these guidelines are just that,guidelines. That way when the things that I want to get accomplished do get done it is that much more rewarding then when the things that don't get done don't. I am really just not making any sense to myself anymore...You get the general idea don't ya?

This year has been on the whole a good year. I sent my little girl to kindergarten, we elected the first black President, I got all A's in school and finished 2 more semesters, my ex and I have started to at least be on civil speaking terms for the kid's sake, and I met one of the most amazing men I could have ever asked for (no not George Clooney maybe in 2009) and I am happy, healthy and breathing.

I wish all of you a very happy New Year.

Hammer On

2008-12-24T22:45:00.008-06:00

I am a secret Hammer Duclimer fan, I mean a big one. I love it and very much think that this hobby will be what I try and learn how to do when I am old and living somewhere warm. This first video is my favorite Christmas tune and I hope you enjoy. I so love the dude rockin the mullet. Its all business up front though on this morning show video even though I am sure he can throw it down with some AC/DC when he wants to.

This next video is not a Christmas song but its my Dad so I can show him some Chirstmasy love by posting this one. He has only been playing the Hammer Dulcimer for about 7 years and is incredibly good. This is a video he posted on youtube for my stepmom who loves The Wizard of Oz. So here is my Dad playin Somewhere Over The Rainbow:

I hope you all have a great and Merry Christmas. Don't drink too much, don't eat too much, don't stay too long, but laugh alot, bite your tongue alot, and remember you are making memories. I love all my blogisphere peeps out there. Happy Holidays

You Are My I Love You

2008-12-21T20:00:00.010-06:00

No not you....geez get over yourself.

I try and be a semi good mother occasionally and was reading some bedtime stories to the girls tonight when I came across this book I had almost forgotten that I had. Unlike seemingly every other Mother on the planet, I didn't feel that overwhelming love or connection right after the birth of my first child, which when I was given this book. I read it put it down and hoped to God that I would someday stop feeling like I was just babysitting and form a bond with this little thing in my arms. I of course did and it hit me hard, like a steam roller and all my inner cheesy Momness came gushing out. Then with the birth of the second and third and fourth babies, loving them came like second nature, even though I may not have fallen in love with them immediately I knew because of my experience with Lily that it would eventually happen. Reading this book tonight was yet another reminder just how much they need me. How much our kids need us as parents to be their carriage, to be their bridge and to be there for them with open arms.

I don't know what's gotten into me recently...if its my youngest getting older, or my oldest still getting oldest(?), or me just getting older, or all the paint fumes coming from my laundry room, but I cried like a baby while I was reading this. Shocking and apparently providing much entertainment for my wee ones. It reminded me of what is important to me that simple things like reading a book or telling them a story or singing a song means more to them then the newest iPod or video game. Ughhh pass me the whole freakin box of tissues now. When the hell did I become such a softy?

Here are the lines from the book You Are My I Love You by Maryann Cusimano. Any of you who have children somehow somewhere at sometime in your life, know that as much as they drive the living daylights out of you (especially on snow days and Christmas vacations) they are everything you never thought you needed and more. If you are a parent, or have a parent, or know a parent, get this book, read it or reread it, have a good cry and hug your kids or someones kids tight (just make sure you have permission if they aren't your own.)

I am your parent;
You are my child.
I am your quiet place;
you are my wild.

I am your calm face;
you are my giggle.
I am your wait;
you are my wiggle.

I am your carriage;
you are my king.
I am your push;
you are my swing.

I am your audience;
you are my clown.
I am your London Bridge;
you are my falling down.

I am your carrot sticks;
you are my licorice.
I am your dandelion;
you are my first wish.

I am your water wings;
you are my deep.
I am your open arms;
you are my running leap.

I am your way home;
you are my new path.
I am your dry towel;
you are my wet bath.

I am your dinner;
you are my chocolate cake.
I am your bedtime;
you are my wide awake.

I am your finish line;
you are my race.
I am your praying hands;
you are my saying grace.

I am your favorite book;
you are my new lines.
I am your night-light;
you are my starshine.

I am your lullaby;
you are my peekaboo.
I am your good-night kiss;
you are my I love you.

Damn it just writing it gets me all teary. At the risk of sounding like a afterschool special, I think during the holiday season more than any other time of year, when we are rushing to buy the latest or newest, or fastest or coolest toys and gadgets, even when economically things have been tight on our pocketbooks, we still feel the need to give them things to prove to them how much we love them. Even if that's not our outward intent, it stills comes from the thought that if you have more, you are loved more. Which as an adult I still fall victim to that way of thinking. Simple children books like this make me realize that we are everything to them even if we have seemingly nothing in the eyes of the World. CEO of a fortune 500 company or laid off after 10 years at a job, we are King or Queen of the Planet to them.

Nothing seems to be slipping away faster than time right now and time that I so desperately want to stop for just an hour to savor in all their little kid naughtiness and lovableness. I want to be their I love you for as long as they will need me to be, and they of course will always be mine.

Happy Birthday Red

2008-12-19T14:16:00.008-06:00

Your birthday feels like a lifetime ago. Back then I was really only beginning to come into my own as a woman and as a mom. I was scared shitless to do this on my own. Since you were the fourth child my fears of 'breaking you' were replaced with the fear of doing it right, of not having someone else to fall back on when things got hairy. I had no one else to share the blame with if you didn't sleep through the night, or eat your vegetables or set the cat on fire. It was all me, you were all mine the good and the bad, and the ugly, you were my responsibility.

I didn't want to be a single mom. I knew alot of women, your Grandma included, who did it by themselves and did it well. It just didn't seem natural to me,being pregnant alone, giving birth by myself and definitely being driven home with you from the hospital by my best friend instead of my husband was a feeling of helplessness and anxiety that I can probably never explain to you. I got over that quickly and you taught me more about myself then I ever hoped to learn. You showed me the power that I never knew I had, to do this on my own. You gave me the confidence I needed to not give up. The determination to be a better role model, to be a great mom, and to prove to myself that I could do this and do it well.

My World changed the day I held your little cheesy baby body in my arms. I was so wrapped up in myself and everything that had happened during the pregnancy that your cries your presence was enough to snap be back to the reality of what I was and who needed me the most. I could whine and complain till the cows came home, but you still needed to be fed, to be held and most of all to be loved. I knew I could do that and you made it so easy to do. The circumstances surrounding your birth only led to your absolute uniqueness and not for a second did it take away from the magic of seeing and experiencing a new life come into this world.

Your birth baby boy, your existence in my life made me realize the sheer willpower that I never knew was there. You cried in the middle of the night I was it, the only one to take care of you. Your diaper needed to be changed? As much as your big sisters wanted to help, I was it, no more passing the buck, no more delegating. You were the beginning of my new normal and like it or not I had to take this new challenge on with confidence, and a "No Bitching Allowed" attitude. I learned quickly that I could complain but you could care less if I had just changed your diaper five minutes ago, or had been up all night with a sick toddler, or had to get the little girls off to school, clean, shop, shower, and lose the 40 pounds of pregnancy weight all in a span of 10 minutes, or so it seemed. You needed me, I was the most stable thing in your life. And if you realized how scary that was, you probably would have worked out some sort of bribe with the baby next to you in the hospital nursery to switch armbands so you could go home with his parents. We made it, two years, the best and worst two years of my life.

You are my last baby, my very first little redhead, my fourth child, and my reason for getting out of bed when I just wanted to get back under the covers and feel sorry for myself. You and your brother and sisters have been my constant. When things seem to be losing perspective and my world gets a little bit shaky, I step back into this life and remind myself that all of you need me, all of me. When my life took a big downward spiral when I was pregnant with you I couldn't imagine what my life would be like with another baby. Now with your sweet little smile and perfect fit into our family, I couldn't imagine what my life would be without you in it.

As you get older Nathan, and will inevitably need me less and less, know this, you can always come back to me to steady yourself, to find some perspective and always to find love.

Happy Birthday my little Red.

Wordless Wednesday

2008-12-17T15:31:00.001-06:00

We All Grieve Differently

2008-12-15T13:30:00.004-06:00

After the untimely death of Jack the cat, my son the almost 2 year old has been acting very strange. And by strange I mean I think I am gonna go online and research a good shrink for him just to get a head start before it becomes court mandated. His odd behavior? He is now acting like a dog. All the time. He barks. He wants me to scratch him on his head. He pants when he is asked to say please. He rolls around on the floor and has just started to crawl everywhere lapping at the air? If I didn't find it so cute I might really be concerned for the boy's mental health.

I have to admit I am a bit of an enabler. I mean who doesn't want to play fetch with their kid? I ask him he wants a treat, or if he needs to go outside, or wants to take a walk. Purely for my own twisted amusement. I will draw the line however at putting a leash on him, or installing a fire hydrant in the playroom. The kids gotta have some boundaries right? Maybe Jack's spirit came back to freak me out as a dog disguised as a little red headed two year old?

Mother Nature Can Kiss My Ass

2008-12-14T22:10:00.003-06:00

You know I don't mind living in the Midwest. As previously mentioned in a older post, no doubt when the weather was 70 and sunny, I love it here. I love the seasons. The rain in the Spring and the heat in the Summer and the leaves turning color in the Fall and the snow in the winter. Well I lied. I hate it and I especially hate it when it is freezing rain outside and E who lives 50 minutes away from me can't come over for our weekly Sunday night (don't call it a booty call) get togethers. Why does anyone stay in the sucky winter states? I mean why don't we all pretend we're 80 and Winter in Boca three months out of the year? (and yes I know that's not realistic but its my rant so be quite)

I really do love it here for the time being at least, my family is here and my life, but I hate when I can't see the people I love because of shitty weather. I don't mind the snow or driving in the snow, but when it is pouring down ice that is just not right, and I don't care what kind of 4 wheel drive vehicle you own it just becomes one big flying ton of metal on nights like tonight, which leaves me with some *ahem* pent up energy that needs to be dealt with. God damn weather.

And yes I will have some cheese with my wine.

My Son: The Not So Subtle Hint Giver

2008-12-14T13:20:00.007-06:00

A conversation between me and my four year old son today after he got home from Christmas shopping for me with his Grandparents...

Me: Hey kid how was the shopping trip? Did you get me something fabulous?

And by fabulous I mean something fabulous cause its from my kid and costs no more than $5. You gotta love those shop by themselves places

Son: Me got you something great mama. You want me to give you a hint?

Me: Sure but don't tell me what it is I wanna be surprised on Christmas morning.

Son: OK Me got you something that is round and shiny and fits on your finger.

Me: Hmmmm I have no idea! I bet its pretty though.

Son: Oh yeah and it starts with an R. You're gonna love it mama. Fofie got you something that hangs on the tree and is square and looks like Santa Clause. Lily...me don't remember what she got you.

Me: Oh I know I will love everyone's gifts! I can't wait to find out what it is?!

If you need me I'll be working on my surprised faces in the mirror! I love Christmas.

WelI I Made It 8 Months

2008-12-12T08:11:00.009-06:00

I was driving in my garage on Easter morning after brunch when I thought I saw what looked to me like a ginormous sewer rat. (In reality it was a ground squirrel.) I have never been so freaked out...ever. I didn't have the knowledge about how to deal with vermin in my house, and seriously thought about just putting the house up for sale. No lie, pathetic I get it, but I don't like rats especially ginormous city sewer rats that could chew my face off as I sleep at night. It could have been, come on, that's not dramatic. Just cautious.

My boyfriend at the time, who really was just no help in the "man department" suggested getting a cat. I had been thinking about getting one for a long time anyway. The kids were getting older and cats were easier than human babies, so why not? Cats are pretty low maintenance and I just don't get attached to them like I do dogs or you know humans so I thought perfect lets get a cat, it will keep the mice and rats and other things I don't want in my house away.

The next morning we go to the shelter and pick out Jack our cat. He was a kitten and the lady at the shelter thought he was born in January so we decided that Jack and Sophie (my second baby) would have the same birthday. (Score one for the kid who thinks nobody loves her.) We take him home spoil him rotten with new toys, kitty beds, and the best food. He is loved/hated by the kids, he is a kitten so he is very "spirited" You know spirited like what I was trained as a teacher to tell the parents of the bratty kids. "No no, Mrs. Jones, little Johnny isn't disrupting the class climbing over the desks to get to my pencil holder to start throwing pencils at his fellow classmates, he's just spirited! Who wants 20 kids that behave all the time anyway??" Yeah like that.

Eventually, come September or so the little boys started to really fall in love with the cat. He would sleep on Nick's bed at night and after Nick and Nathan got home from their Dad's house on Thursdays they would race through the house yelling for Jack. After finding him they would spend a scary amount (no doubt for the cat) of time laying on him and telling him how much they missed him, as the cat, I am sure, was just expressing his love and amount he missed the boys by scratching at their faces and biting their legs.

Many times throughout these eight months I have thought about giving him back to the pound or at the least finding him a nice home without kids.

Many times I have cleaned up bloody scratches and soothed broken hearts as the kids don't understand why the cat would bite/scratch run away from them when all they wanted to do was "play with him"

Many times I caught myself petting that damn thing as I sat and watched T.V. wondering how the sound of his purring could make me feel calm and happy.

Many times I laughed at the pictures I took of the kids trying to dress Jack up in Cabbage Patch clothes, or unsuccessfully trying to put make-up on him.

I thought we were making progress though, after the little guy got neutered he calmed down a bit. I don't know if that was my imagination or if after being desexed he just didn't have the desire anymore to prove that he was the alpha pet in this household.

I don't get attached to cats. I just don't. I know its probably my cold cold heart, but I used to be a big embarrassing cat lover. Before Lily we had a cat who I loved more than life itself. I had about 340 picture albums full of all the cute things the cat did. When I got pregnant with Lily, I used to tell people that if Lily was allergic to the cat, then I would put Lily's crib in the garage (and I was only really halfway kidding). I couldn't imagine loving my baby more than I loved my "first baby". Then I had her and I could barely remember the cats name, and the pictures of the cat got replaced with thousands of pictures of my sweet little baby. It's that thing that until you have your own just doesn't make sense but it happened to me even as much as I tried to resist it. I wasn't worried that this time around it would be hard for me to stay detached from something that wasn't really an extension of myself.

I took care of Jack gave him fresh water and food every night, and changed his litter box every morning, but I didn't have that undying love toward him that comes so easily when little bitty pieces of your heart are walking around.

Jack got outside alot. I even stopped looking for him when he would get out. I figured who am I to deny him his kitty freedom. He would cry at the door and I was convinced he was trying to espcape from this kidtastic house he was thrust into. He would always come back at night to eat and sleep, and he almost never wanted to go out when it was cold or rainy. I thought What the hell? He had his shots and he couldn't impregnate any of the neighborhood girl cats so why not let him run around outside and have his kitty fun. Nick, my four year old thought that Jack went across the street and played with the neighbors dog. Yeah that dog weighs more than me, and I am pretty sure the cat wasn't over there playing cards but who knows stranger acquaintances have been formed.

I leave for Kewanne where my boyfriend lives every Tuesday afternoon and am back on Thursday mornings. I ALWAYS put the cat in the house before I leave, or at least make sure a neighbor gets him in the house or garage if I can't find him before I go. Well this weekend I didn't. It had just started to rain and it was freezing and icky out and I ran around the house with Jack's food bowl and called his name, but no luck. So I called a friend and just asked her to keep an eye out for him and took off. He has been outside before with no problems and I wasn't too worried, expect I didn't want him to be too cold.

I get home Thursday morning. I have a call on my phone with the animal shelter, thinking that Jack had somehow gotten picked up by animal control I quickly call them back without listening to the message, at the exact moment the lady is telling me that Jack was turned in by a couple who had hit him with their car, my wonderful neighbor Bill was knocking on my door with a note, from this person, who had thought the cat had belonged to my neighbor, since apparently Jack had run out from his driveway, and had left a note on his front door.

As I am reading the note that said that this man was very sorry but that my cat had ran out in front of his car and that they didn't have time to stop, that they had taken my cat to their vet but that he had died on impact, the vet had said, and that their doc had recommend taking him to the pound in case I had that tracking chip put in him when I had adopted him (I had) ,that is how the shelter got my number and was waiting to hear from me before they did anything with his body.

I'm not so good with death. Human death, animal death, death of strangers or loved ones, I don't exactly handle myself all that great. I felt sick to my stomach and even though I never really did bond with Jack, the thought of my kids not having him around anymore was enough to make me start to bawl right there on the phone.

The lady at the shelter we'll just call her "the bitch with no tact" was at that moment giving me a lecture on why I should have not let my cat get outside and how this is why the shelter sees so many accidents and an increase in their animal population every year is because of owners like myself who don't care enough about their pets to keep them safe indoors. If I hadn't been so completely in shock at that moment I would have told that lady to bite me in not so few of words, but I didn't I cried and apologized and cried to my neighbor who told me that it wasn't my fault and made me hot chocolate. You can tell he has to be the best grandpa ever.

When my boys got home from their Dad's, as usual the first thing my four year old does is go around the house and yell for Jack with his brother and partner in crime behind him yelling "Kitty! Kitty!" Now I am not a softy by any means but that broke my heart. Ughh I had to tell them that Jack wasn't here and that I thought maybe he had ran away for awhile to go and play with his kitty friends down the street. I had no idea how to deal with that on a kid level. "Hey kids, your know your mom? Yeah she failed miserably as a pet owner and Jack is now eating meow mix in the sky." ???? The girls who never got so attached to them weren't that disappointed, now they could leave their bedroom door open at night so the cat wouldn't get in and jump on their feet all night.

It was a sad day for me yesterday, it was a day that I look on as a big fat failure for me as a grownup. I hate to fail. I hate to do something that I know was half assed by leaving him outside instead of looking for him. I know I am a more responsible person than that and it pisses me off that I didn't take the time to find him and put him inside where he wouldn't meet tires on the road. I think I am gonna take a break from raising any kind of furry animals for awhile, maybe a nice house plant? We will all undoubtably miss him here in our family and I am just very grateful that we had him for these eight months.

My Brain Is Tired

2008-12-11T12:13:00.003-06:00

I got my older girls each a Nintendo DS for Christmas this year. Purely and unashamedly (is that a word?) selfish on my part, because I wanted to play Super Mario Brothers and other games from "back in the day". I ordered them online and they came in the mail on Tuesday just in time for the kids to be at their Dad's for their "weekend" and plenty of time for their Mom to "test the toys out" to make sure you know they aren't radioactive or anything like that. I had bought awhile back that game Brain Age cause I thought it would be funny to see just how stupid I really am...no not really, but I am laughing and apparently I am stupid. I took the initial test to see what my "brain age" was and then in theory you are supposed to go back daily and retest to see if your brain has gotten any smarter from doing the different exercises that the game has you do.

So you wanna know what my brain age is?? I know you are all dying to know the IQ of the chick that has the hots for Gary Sandberg right? At least maybe it will give me some sort of excuse for the dreams? Ready? It's 56! Fifty freakin six years old?! I just got all As this semester at school. All As you smarty pants talking head on there who told me that my brain was tired and that if I rest more and eat carbs first thing in the morning...oh and do these exercises I will train my brain and it will eventually become more energetic and hopefully not as old and tired. The tests on the game are kind of fun..and yes I can admit some are a bit more challenging than others. For example the first one showed you words that were names of the primary colors (red, yellow, blue, green) the lettering was colored sometimes the same as the word like yellow would be written in yellow ink and sometimes yellow would be written in blue ink and you would have to say out loud into the Nintendo what the actual color is. Piece of cake right? Hell no! On top of people looking at me funny for screamin "BLUE, no shit I mean YELLOW, I SAID YELLOW!!" into a video game I also realized just how my brain works or should I say doesn't work. I'm not gonna lie, just a bit embarrassing on all levels. My goal is 20 years old. That is the optimum brain age according to this game. I think they probably will never let you get to 20 because then what? I like the game now and will now have to make up some sort of excuse, possibly that Santa must have been eating Cheetos while delivery my kid's Christmas gifts, since the screen is now somewhat icky. Have I told you all that I HATE to lose. I was up late last night doing the Sudoku puzzles on there. That is better than crack! Has anyone ever done those? I didn't get how to do it at first but now I am hooked and needed somewhat of a mini intervention to shut the game off last night. I will have a brain of a 20 year old God Damn it.

So I am off to run now, which is supposed to somehow strengthen my peripheral cortex muscles, and hopefully my leg muscles as well.

A Slightly Inappropriate Crush

2008-12-10T11:09:00.007-06:00

I know this post will probably ruin my "street cred"... well no I take that back the post where I professed my undying love for all things John Denver and then ended it with the phrase "that's how I roll" probably sucked a bunch of the remaining balance....but I digress.

Have you ever had a dream about someone that before that dream you had never thought twice about and then after the dream that person is suddenly in your thoughts constantly and you want to stick an ice pick in your eardrum to try and get that person out of your head because its not the typical crush? No, not even my typical Chris Matthews, Chris Farley crushes that I am known to have, it is someone who I listen to alot, someone who I may even admire a bit, someone who's fashion sense is something to be desired but still I should never judge a book by its cover right?

I listen to the Peoria City Council meetings every Tuesday they are played on WCBU. When I can't listen to them I record them and listen to them on my iPod on my Wednesday runs (told you I'm a geek) Well I am blaming those meetings those words of this person in my ears for this slightly embarrassing and inappropriate crush.

If you're not from Central Illinois you won't know who this guy is but for those of you that are you will probably question your choice to read my blog after this, but its the chance I have am willing to take to make this public. Hopefully writing this post will help rid his imagine from my brain so I can go back to dreaming about normal things like being in a naked circus and riding off into the sunset with Harrison Ford.

Its Gary Sandberg, a city council member, and a Peoria institution all in and of himself, known at least by me for his long winded explanations about why he opposes everything and anything and of course for his bow ties. Now the guy is pretty cool, and I think he enjoys what he does and going to bat for the "little people" of the Peoria area totally earned my respect for this guy. He dances to the beat of a different drummer. Has opinions and opinions and um opinions that other people may not always agree with but you have to have some sort of admiration for anyone who doesn't just follow the obvious path. But having naked Gary Sandberg dreams is like me having sex dreams about my ex father-in-law. I am sure the guy has some smooth moves, and is very popular with the ladies in his own right, but come on brain where did all my predictable heartthrobs go during my R.E.M. sleep? Where's the Brads and the Georges, hell even where's my sexy ass boyfriend? But please no more Garys. He's all I can think about and I blush everytime I see that picture . Its like having a bee buzzing in your ear and you keep swatting it away but the buzzing is still there. Help...

I do kind of have a thing for older guys with that salt and pepper hair thing going on. It always reminds me of my therapist who I had a very inappropriate affair with, once upon a time (a blog post for a different day). So that's probably where this dream/crush can from, since if I were to have a crush on any of the city council members it would probably me the Mayor, I mean I think most of us would agree that he is pretty easy on the eyes, or that Madam Clerk lady she sounds kind of hot. Just sayin...

I can't be the only one who has a tiny crush on Gary am I? Come on here's your chance ladies. Back me up. Tell me I am not crazy and don't need to seek professional help ASAP, I mean for this anyway.

Goodbye Lorraine

2008-12-08T14:08:00.004-06:00

I stole this meme from DeeMarie . I love these kind of things because they are semi fun to do plus it gives me a break from my brain trying to figure out something somewhat entertaining to write. Which it seems to be having a problem with lately.

So here are the rules:

1. Put your iTunes or MP3 player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY? I Love Your Brain

2.WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY? I'm Not Dead (I'm In Pittsburgh)

3.WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? Stormy Weather

4.WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? Pearls On A String

5.WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? Penniless Patron (LMFAO)

6.WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? You Belong To My Heart

7.WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? You Can Close Your Eyes

8.WHAT IS 2+2? O My Soul

9.WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? Jet Black River

10.WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Bananaphone (God I love Raffi)

11.WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? Trains

12.WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? Don't Forget

13.WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Break My Body

14.WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? Greentoad

15.WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? My Favorite Kiss

16.WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? Just Like the Moon

17.WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? Dixie Chicken

18.WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? The Winner Takes It All

19.WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN? You're Pretty When I'm Drunk (only slightly embarressed I have that on iTunes)

20.HOW WILL YOU DIE? Politics

21.WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET? Ooh Ahh

22.WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH? Poprocks and Coke

23.WHAT MAKES YOU CRY? Warm Weather (oh it sooo doesn't)

24.WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED? Simple + Ideal

25.WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST? There Goes My Gun

26. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE? Shake That

27.WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW? The Sun Is A Mass of Incandescent Gas

28.WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS? Goodbye Lorriane

Not tagging anyone... if you want to play along, feel free!!!

Ok that was a silly amount of fun! Can you tell I have finals tomorrow and want to do anything besides study? I also have an abnormal amount of Frank Black and The Pixies in my iTunes account. I am totally blaming the boyfriend for that. I also think I have not passed the age of 13 in my head. I am goona go buy me some MadLibs now and make some prank phone calls.

Maybe I Should Join the Circus?

2008-12-08T08:49:00.002-06:00

I've been having this dream for the last week or so that I am a part of the circus as a trapeze artist, (which I know must be a dream because I am scared of heights, and moving fast). Every night I get up on the platform in my sexy leotard, (which I know must also be a dream because I probably wouldn't choose the purple sequin getup in everyday casual wear, also my hair is long which it hasn't been in 10 years), and high heels and I am the star of the show, a standing ovation even before I start the performance (damn I must have a reputation). I wave to my admirers and the music starts, the circus conductor MC guy ( I know they have a different name I just don't feel like googling it, I haven't had my 6 cups of tea that usually help me function normally yet) introduces me as the World Famous Sarah Superstar and I grab the trapeze bar and start to swing. There is a person on the other trapeze that I know I am supposed to let go and they will catch me, so I work my speed up to fast (technical term) and as I let go of the bar I am no where near the other person's hand and I fall, and I mean I fall a long time and I am screaming but in this slow motion kind of scream and I can look around at the audience and they are all just sitting there staring at me....oh yeah cause as I am falling I have some how lost all of my clothes. As I am about to land on the net these 2 clowns who are holding the net start to move so I will fall on the concrete floor so I start to try and move my body around in the air to position it to land right on the net. But those damn clowns keep moving and I start to cry cause I know that it's gonna hurt when I land. Then I wake up. What the hell? I have no idea what it means or if it really means anything. I am not really too into reading in to things to much but I keep having this dream . I dream alot, usually just weird bizzarro stuff that I just attribute to the alcohol I had or the spicy food for dinner the night before, but I don't get this one? But why couldn't I just have the one where I am riding off into the sunset with George Clooney instead of crazy circus dreams?

I Feel Pretty

2008-12-05T16:43:00.014-06:00

Well Heinous over at Irregularly Periodic Ruminations http://http//h31n0us.blogspot.com/ (I still haven't figured out how to link people without having to do all that. I hate my ignorance) gave me this kick ass award today and I am eternally grateful and not just for the acknowledgment, but for actually giving me something to write about since my brain seems to have taken a vacation without my consent lately. So here is my pretty award and the instructions that come along with it.

1. You have to pass it on to 5 other fabulous blogs in a post.

2. You have to list 5 of your fabulous addictions in the post.

3. You must copy and paste the rules and the instructions below in the post.

Instructions: On your post of receiving this award, make sure you include the person that gave you the award and link it back to them. When you post your five winners, make sure you link them as well. To add the award to your post, simply right-click, save image, then "add image" it in your post as a picture so your winners can save it as well. To add it to your sidebar, add the "picture" widget. Also, don't forget to let your winners know they won an award from you by emailing them or leaving a comment on their blog.

Addictions first:

1.) I'll start with the most obvious one I can think of and that's running. I love it. And I do believe that if I had to or was forced to stop running, say in some sort of bizarre kidnapping scheme, or an accident where my legs were broken, or the possible threat of World destruction if I were to lace up another Adidas I do believe that I would go into withdrawal which is what an addiction is right? Something you can't live without. If I don't run for more than a day I am cranky, some might even go as far as to say bitchy (gasp), tired, and my legs start to twitch (no lie) So I love it and as addictions go I guess it is better than most things, let's say crack for example.

2.) My computer. Whether it be emailing, IMing or blogging it is my lifeline to friends, family and love ones. I miss it when I don't have it, and if my computer isn't working for some reason or another I am incredibly antsy and usually go and run, shop, or eat to help displace the anxiety. I can say it is definitely my drug of choice.

3.) Shopping. Now I know as a budding therapist, I should shame myself into admitting the real reasons that I shop the way I do, usually impulsively with no thought as to how the light bill will get paid if I buy that beautiful jacket or expensive pair of shoes. I should know its textbook, not feeling good about myself and trying to buy material things to make me feel love for myself. Right? Really? I don't know I guess it could be true but hell it is soo much fun. It really does make me feel good when I find a good deal or even when I don't. I get a little jolt of excitement when I think about how good my feet will look in my new pair of boots I plan to wear tomorrow night. Sad...but true I make no apologies and I absolutely am addicted to shopping.

4.)Food. Definitely a fabulous addiction food and beverages I am gonna say. I love food and trying new food and making new foods even though I royally suck at the whole cooking process is something I love to do. I love to eat out and try new restaurants, but I also love the whole comfy feeling of my regular dive bar and the way it can make me feel happy and full and satisfied all at the same time. Food and drinks that can bring people together and enjoy each others company is an awesome thing.

5.) Man 5 addictions is kind of tough...seriously I have no idea what else I could be addicted to? Men? A great pair of jeans? The smell of Elmer's Glue and those little pink erasers? All good things.

I am not gonna name anyone specifically just because I love you all so if you want the pretty fab award its all yours. I can't wait to read all about your addictions! Thank you again Heinous. I know I see alot of my favorite bloggers over at his site, but if you haven't checked him out he writes a definitely addicting blog!

My Wordless Wednesday

2008-12-03T14:39:00.005-06:00

The World Might Be Ending

2008-12-01T21:04:00.004-06:00

I can't think of anything to say...nothing...nada...my mind is a big bad blank blog page. I have even been trying to do things that might turn out funny or amusing so I can write it down, but I got zip, zero, el nothin.

Playing in the snow with kids....nope all were cold and wet within 5 minutes.

Thanksgiving....nope everyone got along and no family secrets were revealed.

Christmas shopping...nope I shop online so no crowds no mess no trampling stories to tell.

All that keeps going through my head is that I need to buy cat food, and how I wish I would have said yes to taking leftovers on Thanksgiving cause I could really go for a turkey sandwich right about now, and how I much I think that Kate from John and Kate Plus Eight is really a psycho blond bitch and am thinking she secretly killed Aunt Jody and hid her body so she couldn't steal her spotlight,and how I sooo hate the snow cause I can't run outside and my treadmill is not working so I am like a teenage girl who is PMSing BIG time times 100 cause I need to move my legs, and how I can't wait to take English 110 next semester so I can learn how to not use run on sentences in my blogs.

Hopefully more interesting posts to come. I am gonna ask Santa for some creativity while he's dropping off the kid's Wii.

My Wordless Wednesday

2008-11-26T12:49:00.002-06:00

I Saw Her Today

2008-11-25T15:30:00.003-06:00

Nick my four year old had a Thanksgiving "feast" today at his preschool. Let's just start by saying that whoever thought of the word feast for the spread they had goin on over there was being waaay to generous. We had carrot sticks and dip and chicken nuggets...just like in the days of yore...or something like that. They had a little program before the feast and they were all dressed up in cute little pilgrim outfits and sang songs no one could hear or understood but still made me cry like a baby. I don't know what it is about my kids singing in front of a room full of strangers but it always brings out that crazy mom side of me and I want to yell "Yeah that's my boy..over there the one with the pilgrim hat on, see him? WooHoo Baby you sing it!" As I am bawling and blowing snot into my neighbor's handkerchief. It was great and I love the fact that he isn't old enough to be embarrassed of me yet, plus I wasn't the only Mom there being overly dramatic.

My ex-husband has the kids this year for Thanksgiving and Tuesdays are usually his "weekend" anyway so I knew he would be there at the program with Nate. I didn't see him at first cause it was crowded in there and I just assumed he would sit with me since Nick would want to eat with all of us.

Big Fat Wrong.

He comes in the dining area where the feast is and he isn't holding Nathan which is odd. Even though Nate likes to pretty much be independent whenever he gets the chance nowadays I thought he would at least have him near him. He walked up to Nick before the program started and gave him a kiss then went to go find a place to sit. I yell "Hey Sperm Donor! I saved you and Nathan a seat if you want" No Thanks, he said, we already have a space. WTF? What do you mean and where is my kid? That's when it happened that's when I saw the woman who has in a sense replaced me. She came in holding my baby and he was surprisingly calm and not spitting or clawing at her neck or screaming demon prophecies. And talk about tears welling up in my eyes. Its okay I love that Nate loves her I just have never seen his girlfriend before today. I didn't know she was coming with her little girl to see my baby sing. I suddenly felt like going over to her and ripping Nathan from her arms and telling her she would in no way ever replace me. But then thought better of it and took a drink of whiskey from my watch flask (kidding, but wouldn't that be kickass?)

We have been divorced for a year now just last week it was a year. Separated for 2 and half, I have dated alot, lived with a boyfriend, and am now dating someone great, since we separated, and I am happy that he has found someone, but it doesn't stop it from feeling all kinds of unnatural to be across the room from one another watching the best part about us singing Thanksgiving songs and not be together smiling and sharing in that. We weren't good for each other, toxic really, but it still makes me sad that we became a statistic. That we were that 1 in 2 couple that divorced. That my babies have to split their holidays and their homes, and their parents. Will they be better or worse off? Who knows. I do know that they see us both happier and healthier than we ever were together and how bad can that be? Plus they get two Christmases a year which was personally my favorite part about being from a divorced home.

Little Nathan never knew his Dad in his house, and the other kids were little too when it happened. They know the word divorce and what it means and have friends who's parents are going through the same thing. Its sad, when my parents split back when I was in 2ND grade there was only two other kids in my school in the same situation, now I bet half of Lily's class is either single moms/dads or divorced parents. Dale and I are very friendly with each other and had always joked that we wanted to be cool divorced parents like Demi and Brice Willis, it hasn't worked out entirely like that but we do agree that even though we didn't work out as a couple we did four things right and I know that both of us wouldn't change that for the world. As hard as it was for me to see him with her today, to know that he has a family with her and as hard as it is to admit that that marriage failed, that the family we had started won't ever be like that again, its okay. Its my new normal. So as I give thanks on Thursday for the ridiculous amounts of blessings I have been given I will be thankful that even the sperm donor found someone to love and spend his life with, that my kids love her, are healthy and damn cute, and that I am sooo much skinnier than her. (Come on you know I had to throw that one in)
Happy Thanksgiving!

Things I Don't Understand

2008-11-23T12:50:00.005-06:00

I mean that statement up there in the title...the examples are infinite, but I am gonna just narrow it down to the things I don't understand this weekend:

How the hell does David Spade get so many hot blonds? I mean I know they are kind of older washed up actress blonds but dude! I get the whole funny guy thing and we all know from my love of Chris Matthews that I am not the most conventional in my attraction to men...but David Spade? He kind of looks like a rat. And he's short, well I don't know if he is short or not but he looks short. Hmmm I don't get it.

People answering their cell phones in the public restrooms..I mean while they are on the toilet? I try to make it a general life law to not use public restrooms, but when the kid is doing the pee pee dance up and down Grand Prairie yesterday I had to give in and go. While I was laying the toilet paper protective cover all around the rim of the seat I heard someones cell phone ring. Oh I am sure she is not going to get it while she is in there doing her "bizness" . Oh but she did. "Hi Karen, no, no this is a great time to talk" Barf. I am sure that if Karen knew what her friend was doing at that exact moment she would have gladly called her back in five.

Now this goes back to high school days but why do men feel the need to shout out comments from their car when I am running? Seriously, I mean the whole "Hey baby", "What's your number?" "Can I run with you?" They don't make any sense? I am on Allen Road and Big Hollow waiting for the light to change and I got asked the above questions from two different cars. Does that ever work? I mean what if I said "Sure come on get out of your big truck with the cow testicles hanging from the back and come run with me. I am sure your Carhart overalls will be real wind resistant and you could totally make it like a half a block before the smell of deer urine overwhelmed me and I passed out." Great...

Why my son insists on eating cat litter? I don't get it. I mean I see the appeal of playing in the litter box since it resembles a very small sandbox, but eating it? What the hell does cat litter look like that would be tempting to eat? It looks like cat litter. Gag. I am hoping he grows out of it and it doesn't mean he has some sort of vitamin deficiency and I am ignoring it. But seriously cat litter? I am totally blaming the sperm donor's genes on that one.

And some random things as well:

Technology in general, insurance or cell phone plans, really how a satellite television works,why old people drive huge cars, math , spending more then my mortgage payment on shoes, why the McChicken is so damn good, men, Space travel, that movie Memento... the list goes on and on.

Smiles Through the Chaos

2008-11-22T12:45:00.005-06:00

Nick (4 year old) : Lily me cold will you give me a hug?

Lily (7 year old): In a rare act of kindness Lily agrees. Sure Nick come here. Hugs brother tightly.

Is that better? Are you warm now? Already annoyed that she agreed to touch her brother.

Nick: Yeah that's okay...Mom's hugs are better though.

Lily: Well yeah but thats because she has bigger boobs.

Nick nods fully understanding the "bigger the boobs the better the hugs theory"

I Party Like a Rock Star Look Like a Super Star...

2008-11-21T09:35:00.013-06:00

That title has nothing to do with this post, its just such a damn catchy song I thought writing it down would help get it out of my head...*waiting*

Shit now I have The Beatles, Why Don't We Do It In the Road stuck *sigh*

Anyway this is purely and solely a procrastination post. A post that nobody is going to benefit from, no one will think it is that entertaining or humorous but it is what it is. I need to clean, mainly I need to clean the 74 crayons my son stuck down the vent and the bag of chips he threw all over the kitchen floor and is now rolling in getting them all nice and ground up for me and the bugs that I am sure love my house. I need to put back the curtain he tried to swing on yesterday when he got put in his crib for a "time out" mainly a mom time out so I wouldn't hurl him out the window. Apparently my son is a hoarder and so now I need to wash his sheets, wall, son, crib, because all the food he stashed in his crib was somehow spread everywhere I mean everywhere. Oh yeah and litter, cat litter I need to clean out of my washing machine because he dumped the litter box on the laundry room floor then shoved the said box in the washing machine. And yes I do watch him, I don't follow him around 24/7, but hell I have four so its not like he doesn't have people watching him at all times. But he's a sneaky shit like that. I am about to check the back of his neck for the 666 number, but then he is just so damn cute. I swear yesterday while I was threatening to leave him at Walmart he said 'I love you mommy'. Even though he doesn't talk and the only words he can say are cookie and no... oh and he growls now... alot (cute). I think that must have been the gods way of defusing mother's tempers so we don't really leave them at Walmart or else I bet you all could find all four of mine there on any given day. (They love the fabric section if anyone is interested in some kids.)

So instead of cleaning and cleaning and then waiting cause five seconds later I will need to clean again I am going to post this survey a friend of mine sent me. I am a nosy lady so they always fascinate me to learn useless I mean important items about my friends things like what kind of spaghetti sauce she uses or how many times a day she showers...Information I know I will need if an emergency arises. So here is a survey of sorts about some random things! I hope everyone has a great weekend!!

About Me :

First Name? Sarah
Middle Name? Ann
Last Name? Superstar
Nicknames? Mommy, Supreme Goddess
What do you prefer to be called? My Queen

Date of birth? Feb 4 1977
Time of birth? early evening I think
How tall were you at birth? 21 inches

What did you weigh? 7'11
What is your zodiac sign? Aquarius
What is your birth stone? Amethyst
Where is your birth place? P-town USA
What hospital were you born at? Methodist

How old are you now? 31
How tall are you now? 5'7
Brave enough to share your weight? 145
What shoe size do you wear? 10 (don't make fun)
Do you have any tattoos?no

Any piercings? just the ears
What color are your eyes? blue
Do you wear glasses or contacts? glasses most of the time, contacts when I'm racing or swimming
Ever wear colored contacts? nope
What is your natural hair color? hell I can't remember

How long is your hair? very short
Where do you currently reside? Peoria
Is this your hometown? yes
How many times have you moved? 4 times
What is your heritage? Swedish and German

What Preschool did you attend? University Methodist
What Elementary School did you attend? Concordia Lutheran
What Middle or Jr. High did you attend? same
What High School did you attend? Peoria High School
What College did or do you plan to attend? Bradley and ICC

What was your favorite subject in school? recess
Did you have a favorite teacher? Ms Richerson and Mr Gutzman but only cause he was hot
What was your least favorite subject? Math
Ever skip class? pretty much
If so, who was it with and what would you do? it was usually with Renee and we always did super cool things like hang out at Lums and smoke or drive to Bloomington to go shopping..we were rebels

Ever gotten detention or Saturday School? nope but I loved The Breakfast Club
Ever been suspended? nope
Did you have a steady boyfriend/girlfriend in high school? not really
What about clubs and organizations? every one of them
What is/was your graduation year? 1995

Were/are you popular in high school? Well I was popular in my group of friends
Whats your mom's name? Nancy
Whats your dad's name? Frank
When did you last see your grandparents? along time ago but will be seeing my Grandpa in December
Do you have a big family? well I have four kids but I didn't come from a big family just my sis and me

Do you have any siblings? younger sister older step brother and step sister
If so what are there names and ages? Angie-40 Marty, 37, Kim 29
Are you the oldest, youngest or middle? oldest and wisest and greatest
Do you have any step or half siblings? already covered that
Do you put your family before your friends? my kids yes

How many best friends have you had in your life? 2
How many best friends do you have right now? 2
Who is your very best friend in the world? Renee
How did you meet him/her? high school
How long have you known them? duh since high school Who wrote this survey??

Do you feel like you are drifting away from any close friends? no
Any pets? a cat and four kids
Who all lives in your house? the kids and me and the cat
Do or did you have to share a room with anyone? when i was a kid I had to share a room with my sis and when I was married I had to share one with my husband lol
Do you get along with your parents? yes

Are you closer with your mom or dad? Mom
Do you feel you are your parents favorite child? of course
What kind of flooring? hard wood
What color are the walls? brown, red, blue, grey, purple, green, orangy
Do you have a stereo? I have a $10 radio from Walmart it rocks the good tunes

Do you have a computer? yes
What size bed do you have? queen
Do you have pictures of friends in frames? friends...no kids yes
Do you have a photo album laying around? yes
What is your favorite possession? My signed Jonas Brothers poster...oh wait no I mean my house

Any stuffed animals? well if that damn cat isn't careful...
Do you keep your room clean? sure

What's your political affiliation? dem
Do you like politics? very much so
Pro Life or Pro Choice? choice
For or against sex before marriage? I'm gonna go with before since we're all adults here

Are you patriotic? sure
Should marijuana be legalized? hell yeah why not?
Are you open minded about religion? I can be
For or Against Gay Marriage? for
Do you really care about the environment? I try to care

Do you care if the polar bears are becoming extinct? are they?
Do you believe in magic? I truly believe that my neighbor pulls real quarters out of my kid's ears and I think he might have actually stolen my nose once...so yes
Ever done drugs? yes
Ever drink alcohol before the legal age? um yes
Ever use a fake ID or one that was not you? nope

Ever sneak out of your house? no
Ever shoplift from a store? yes
Ever steal from a friend or family member? no well unless my sister counts and then yes even though I cant think of what I would have stolen, gum?
What color is the comforter on your bed? black and grey
What kind of camera do you own ? Cannon

When was the last time you hung out with a friend? Wednesday
Have you ever gotten a black eye? during kickboxing
Are you using a laptop or desktop computer? desktop
Have you ever been camping? yes unfortunately
What was the last song you listened to? Sean Hayes

Do you rent movies at a local store or online? neither
Do you like to sing? yes
Have you ever broken a bone? my arm while I was trying to turn a corner on my bike with no hands
What are some of your hobbies? running, shopping, reading
Ever shop at a thrift store? yes

Single or Taken? taken
Truly Happy or Just OK? happy
Book Smart or Street Smart? oh I am the shizzle when it comes to street smarts
An introvert or extrovert? both
Leader or Follower? a bossy leader : )

Giver or Taker? both
Outgoing or Shy? both
Phone Talker or Texter? phone
Tall or Short? tall
Blonde or Brunette? brunette

Day or Night Person? night
Responsible or Carefree? responsibly carefree
Loud or Quiet? Quite...hahahaha just kidding I'm loud
TV Sitcom: Friends
Reality TV Show: So You Think You Can Dance

TV Station: TLC
Cartoon: Smurfs
Movie: Old School
Movie Genre: Comedy
Actress: Tina Fey
Actor: Will Ferrel

Favorite:

Band? Big Star
Artist: Sean Hayes
Mall: Grand Prairie
Clothing Store: The Gap
Grocery Store: Cubs

Website: anything porn ; )
Sport to Watch: running
Sport to play: running, swimming
Olympic event: running
Radio Station: WCBU

Drink: beer or diet Coke
Food: not picky (understatement)
Vehicle: my minivan It is a fanasy...I say that on a liscense plate and knew I had to work it in here somehow

I know I know I am one hell of a procrastinater right? You all should take notes from me.

My Wordless Wednesday

2008-11-19T10:47:00.004-06:00

Lessons From a Seven Year Old

2008-11-18T08:32:00.005-06:00

Sophie (5 year old) : "Hey Mom I learned what to do if there was a fire today."

Mom (31 year old): Thinking about a fireman story she heard recently, involving a hot fireman and a married woman...snaps out of it....

"Oh Yeah?? What's that?"

Sophie: "You Stop Drop and Roll."

Lily (7 year going on 15 year old): Looking at me like she just heard the stupidest statement in the world

"Duh Sophie but only if the fire is on your clothes. If your house is on fire you don't stop, drop, or roll."

rolls eyes.

Hmmm makes sense.