Friday Frustrations-Do You Think Methadone Works on Caffeine Addicts?

Friday Frustrations is exactly like Tuesday Random Thoughts except without the catchy title or little banner or links to another site, or readers, but pretty much the same.

I am giving up caffeine and I compare it to probably what it is like giving up smoking, except when I quit smoking I felt like jumping off a cliff into a rocky ocean bottom and becoming one with the water as The Sound of Silence plays in the background.* Giving up caffeine is kind of more like me running into a brick wall and it hurts really bad, no soundtrack, no nice warm ocean water, just pain. Look for my book out called Million Little Pieces Part Two.

Because of my caffeine withdrawal I credit my most embarrassing moment which I no doubt will identify as my most embarrassing moment when I go back to giving a shit about things other than caffeine and pain. I was driving in my minivan yesterday when I got behind this slow car I mean resembling a funeral procession slow. I could not pass him due to all the other morons driving on the road at an abnormally slow rate. As I finally make my way around the driver I look out my window and mouth What The Fuck Asshole? (yeah seriously not my best moment but it was the addiction talking not nice sweet Sarah. I swear you don't wanna be around me when I haven't had any caffeine in two days its scary. Kind of like Amy Winehouse without a gin and tonic scary, but without the big hair, but with the smeared eyeliner and torn fishnets. ) So as I am mouthing those words to the driver I actually focus my blurring vision and realize that it is my pastor. The pastor I have very inappropriate dreams about. The pastor I haven't seen in two years because of my lack of faith and other heathonry I am involved in . He looks at me recognizes me, and then all his good thoughts about me I see dissolving into thin air as he realizes what I am saying to him. I am telling my pastor to fuck off. I am calling him an asshole. I see the hurt in his eyes as I speed off. It was not my best moment. Except there were no kids in the car so at least I might still be in the running for the Mother of The Year Trophy, which I think I should get anyway cause I bought about 100 boxes of Girl Scout cookies. But really only so I wouldn't have to sell any. I suck at being a salesman. I actually inadvertently convinced a friend of mine to buy an Audi instead of going to Eric's store to buy a Chevy. I have no idea how I lost that sale for him, but I guess its cause I am that good at sucking.

Then as I am slowly climbing out of my cuss the Pastor out hole. Thinking that I should be okay because I did in fact by 100 boxes of Girl Scout cookies and that has to count for something in god's eyes right? I think Jesus was a Boy Scout so maybe he can relate? The lady at Subway doesn't put my bacon on my roast beef sandwich. Which I should have taken as a sign from the group Save Sarah's Thighs and just been done with it, but no I had to rewait ( is that a word?)in line for another 5 minutes to get my sandwich as I mutter under my breath as I leave something along the lines of "What a bunch of fucking morons". Maybe I need to go back to church?

Then I get an email from my sgirlfriend who unbeknownist to me at the time started the begining of the email in the subject line. Please for the love of God if you do this STOP! Or else put a little disclaimer at the bottom of the message maybe somewhere along the lines of " Oh yeah I left all the important beginning of the invitation in the subject line so you may wanna go look up there and read it before you get totally confused and pissed off and write me an irritated email stating that you couldn't understand a word I wrote"

It is not a pretty site people! I am scaring myself. My kids are scared. the man at the gym at the front desk who I rely on for my daily 'Looking good Sarah' ignores me. Which I am usually a pretty confident person. And it is sad to say that I have pretty much come to rely on that guy for my shot of self confidence. Without it I just want to go home and put on my Walmart pants and pizza shirt** and crawl up in a corner and snort caffeine. It is a little bit pathetic.

They say any habit you are trying to break takes 21 days to kick. So I am holding out for day 21 and then see how bad I have gotten. I may need to be on Oprah with Lisa Ling when she outed that whole family that did heroine and then they got their kids taken away and sent off to separate rehabs.

*That was a scene from the best movie EVER Old School when Will Ferrel accidentally shoots himself in the neck with a tranquilizer gun.

**Pizza shirts are the waffle shirts that you can get anywhere that are best for eating/getting/ordering/spilling pizza on. You are welcome.

*** I totally am stealing the * idea throughout my post from Kurt. Cause he's cool and pretty much does Random Tuesday Thoughts every damn day and they rock, and I am pretty sure he gets to wear Walmart pants and pizza shirts daily and that brings him up a level in my book****

****For anyone that is wondering my book is pretty full right now, but I am still taking orders.

I know most of you are not going to believe that I gave up caffeine after reading this and some may even wonder if I have replaced Meth or crack, or speed for caffeine. But rest assured I am trying to detox my body of anything harmful so no drugs are being used at the moment. No animals were harmed in the making of this blog, only possibly the Pastor's believe in humanity and myself respect.